Corresponding Shapes
by norrific
Summary: She'd been a bright child, smarter than other children her age, so even at five had understood that Jax was meant to be hers.
1. Pilot

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**AN: So this is for the girls over at the Jax/Tara thread on fanforum. It's an AU of the series starting with the pilot. And is my take on a different way for Tara to have left and come back to town. Some things, such as dialogue and events are straight from the show. You'll notice the timeline of certain events are altered a bit, people show up sooner than on the show. Also a change, Lenny the Pimp did not go away for murder in 1989, for purposes of this story it was much, much later.**

**Wanna give a special thanks to Eve Levine who pointed me towards the First 9 info I needed and also read part of this chapter and gave me much needed feedback.**

**Chapter 1**

He hadn't asked for the kid. Didn't even particularly want it. If he were honest with himself the kid hadn't even been real to him. Just some thing that his soon to be ex-wife held over his head. Jackson Teller had no idea what he was suppose to do with a baby. Especially a half dead one. What did he know about being a parent? His first official act as a father was beating the shit out of the dickhead who sold crank to his pregnant wife. Second act was flushing her excess shit down the toilet.

Now he figured he didn't need to know much because no matter what his mother said, Jax didn't think the kid was going to make it through the night. The fucked up thing was the kid _was_ real, making sure people knew not to hurt his kid was parenting, and he began to think his aversion to fatherhood had less to do with the kid and more to do with the kid's mother. Because he wanted him. At some point in the last twenty-four hours he realized he wanted the kid. How the fuck did that happen?

The cut was just barely on his back when the knock came at the door, Chibs his friend and brother telling him it was time to roll out. Jax made his way through the clubhouse, throwing his shades over his eyes as he stepped outside. At first he didn't see the kid. It was only because kids weren't a norm around the clubhouse that he caught his attention at all. But with other things on his mind, Jax still didn't really _see _him. Then he noticed the way all the guys were hanging around him, two guys in particular.

"Hey, Jax!"

"Yo, Jax!"

"Kozik. Happy." Detouring from his original path, Jax went to greet his brothers in a hug. Realization dawning. There'd only been one reason why both Kozik and Happy transferred to Tacoma. And there was only one reason both of them would leave at the same time.

Kozik, knowing exactly why Jax was scanning the area the way he was, decided to put his brother out of his misery. "She's at the hospital." When the younger man pulled back in shock, Kozik shrugged. "We were rolling through, on the way to visit the old man and deal with the rental properties, when she got the call from Gemma."

"She didn't have to-"

"Come on, bro." Happy gave his shoulder a none-to-gentle shove. "You really think she'd be anywhere else."

Jax looked back at the kid, _her_ kid. Thick wavy hair, that was only a shade or two darker than his on, fell messily to his chin. A chin that held a slight cleft, like hers. Full cheeks with a deeper set of dimples than hers. He had her wide set mouth with the slightly fuller bottom lip. His eyes were the same mossy green. God the kid was the spitting image of her.

"He's what, two now?" But he knew. Knew more about the kid than he thought he probably should.

Happy nodded. "Yeah and bad as shit." And there might have been a hint of pride in his voice. "Kid's a fucking terror."

"Well if it isn't the Tacoma prince." Bobby Elvis was stepping out of the clubhouse. He was suppose to be on his way to a gig, but didn't see the harm in sparing a few minutes to hang with his brothers. There was a easy grin on his face when he grabbed the boy and tossed him in the air a few times.

"Hey, Bobby man, I wouldn't do that. The kid is stuffed full of nachos and juice." Kozik kept one hand on Jax's shoulder to lead him over to the others.

"What's up, little bro?" Jax brushed his hand over the kid's hair. The words 'I should have been your old man' burning at the tip of his tongue. "You riding on two wheels, yet?"

"Hey Nik, show the guys how you ride." The little boy lifted both hands in the air, as if he was holding onto ape hangers. It was Kozik's turn to beam proudly.

"What the hell are we all doing standing around here?" The rough voice came barreling out of Clay Morrow, president and original member of SAMCRO. There was a scowl on his face until he caught sight of the little boy. "Well, if it isn't Nikolai Janowitz." He winced as he said it. "What the hell was she thinking with that name?"

"She was all doped up at the time." Kozik explained. "His old man picked it out."

His old man, Jax thought bitterly, Russian mafia dickhead who was too stupid not to get himself dead. If there was one fucker who's death Jax hadn't mourned even a little bit it had been his.

"God, it's like she spit him out." Juice was saying, something akin to awe in his voice. "Other than being blonde, the kid looks nothing like Vlad."

"Vlad?" Tig frowned. "I thought his name was Ivan. Or Boris or some shit."

"Who the fuck cares?" Clay stared at them incredulously. "He's dead." He looked over at Jax, saw how distracted he was, the far off look in his eyes as he studied the kid. "Why don't you call her?" It was the only way he was going to get his stepson's head in the game. "We got a few minutes."

Before Jax could object, play like he didn't need to hear her voice, Kozik was slapping a prepay into his hand. Her number had already been dialed.

She picked up on the fourth ring. "How's my baby?"

Jax grinned. "I'm good, sweetheart. How are you?"

Her breathe caught, his name coming out on the one she released. "Jax."

Jax wanted to think he heard longing in her voice, convinced himself he had. "We were getting ready to head out, heard you were in town, thought I'd give you a call."

"You caught me just in time, I was just getting ready to scrub in."

"Scrub in?"

"Yeah. I started to Gemma my way into assisting in your son's surgery. Come to find out flashing my badge from Seattle Children's was all I needed to do."

"Path of least resistance." Jax paused. "Tara," And he had the uncomfortable suspicion there had been longing in his voice when he said her name. "You don't have to do this. You're old man-"

"Isn't going anywhere for a long time. I want to help your son, Jax."

The smile came easy, it always did with her. "His name is Abel."

"That's a good name. Try not to let mine burn anything down while he's there." There was a lot of talk behind her. "Listen I gotta go. Talk to you later."

When he clicked off the cell, Jax noticed the way all his brothers were looking at him. Clay was shaking his head sadly.

"That's a goddamn shame."

"Fuck you." But the smile was still on his face. "I'm gonna pick up, Ope. I'll meet up with you guys"

It had been no secret that from early childhood the one thing Jackson Teller wanted was a Harley and a cut. The irony was the only thing Tara Janowitz wanted was Jackson Teller. She'd been a bright child, smarter than other children her age, so even at five had understood that Jax was meant to be hers. But at nine Tara Janowitz had lost her mother. Her father had left Charming, where she grew up, when she was just a baby to become president of Sons Of Anarchy motorcycle club in Tacoma, Washington. But he had remained a major part of his daughters life. So when her mother died he had come to take her back to Tacoma only days after the funeral. He'd been doting to the point of spoiling Tara. And agreed to let her return to Charming during her summer breaks.

Lenny 'The Pimp' Janowitz had been an original member of the Sons of Anarchy. The irony of the man who coined the term 'croweater' fathering a daughter was lost on no one. His status, along with being the lone First Nine to have a daughter, placed Tara in high regard with the club. The princess to Jackson Teller's prince. In Tacoma- even after her father stepped down as president, even after he was picked up for the alleged murder of three ATF agents, even though she wasn't anyone's old lady-she was considered the club's queen. But being female, there was no future for her in the club.

With no future in the club and no desire to be just anyone's old lady, Tara decided to go to college. School had always been easy for her. Lenny insisted she got her brain from him and Tara never argued with that because her father was an extremely intelligent man. Fortunately she got her mothers calm demeanor. So she was never one to stress over exams, which resulted in exemplary scores.

The only thing that threw a wrench in her plans was that she was not, nor had she ever been, a joiner. As far as Tara had been concerned her obligation to school began and ended with her classes, extra-curriculars were just that. _Extra. _She'd been raised to believe the club was all she needed. Fortunately the charity the club did, that Tara was always present for, had been enough. And she found herself at UC San Diego. Things had been fine while she was an under-grade. Med school is where it all went south.

It had been at Opie and Donna's wedding, where Jax overheard her telling Bobby Elvis that she'd gotten into Loyola Med. At no point had she said that's where she was going, just that she'd been accepted. Still didn't stop Jax from completely flipping out. Starting a huge fight right in the middle of Opie and Donna's reception. He'd thrown out demands, ultimatums before _ordering_ her to come back to Charming. It had been exactly the wrong thing to say, especially since he'd shown up with Wendy Case on his arm.

It hadn't been easy for Tara, but the four years she was at UC San Diego, she hadn't asked for his fidelity. Didn't ask him about the other women she knew he was with whenever she went back to school. There'd been an understanding between them. Yes they loved each other, had only ever loved one another, but his lifestyle didn't lend itself to long distant relationships and she understood.

So she didn't get why it was so hard to get just a little understanding in return. Had only been able to stand in stunned silence when he shouted, in front of everyone, that he wasn't going to be her 'townie dick' any longer. She had no response to that, didn't even know _how _to respond to that. So she did the only thing she could think to do, balled her fist, cocked her arm back, and aimed for his face. Just weeks later she met and became involved with Alexei Volkov. An on again off again relationship that lasted the four years she attended Loyola.

It was during one of those off periods, where Alexei had asked her once again to let Jax go and she claimed not to have any idea what he was talking about, when she'd gone out with a few classmates and met Joshua Kohn. He was older, attentive, and Jax, despite being married, was still fucking everything in Northern California. There'd been no point in which being with Josh had been a good idea. Not with him being a fed. Not with her father being who he was. Not with her heart belonging to who it did. But when it came to romantic entanglements, her ability to make good decisions had been faulty at best. Dangerous at worse.

Josh became clingy then obsessive and possessive until he turned violent. When she finished med school and before her father or Kozik or God forbid Happy could find out she applied for a residency at Seattle Children's, changed her name and hauled ass back to Washington. Back to Alexei. And she would forever regret not getting out of there sooner.

Tara had felt like something of a fraud in med school. Everyone she met, in every class, every study group, had some variation of the same story in which being a doctor had been a dream since childhood. She was a good liar, had to be considering, and smart. So when asked if being a doctor was what she always wanted she knew better than to answer with the truth. Which was that the only thing she wanted for as long as she could remember was one Jax Teller. And that she only decided to become a doctor when the results of her aptitude test pointed towards medicine.

It wasn't until her third year of med school, when she lost a great number of her classmates, that she realized her near apathetic feelings toward becoming a doctor were what kept her sane and at the top her class. She didn't feel the stress and pressure everyone else felt. It was then that she discovered her love of medicine. And, that if she wanted to, she could function in regular society.

The thing is when Tara Janowitz Charming princess became Tara Janowitz Tacoma princess, college student, med student, Tara Knowles intern, Tacoma queen, the turbulent years with Alexei, even when she became a mommy, she still wanted Jax. Actually, it was when she was having Nikolai, despite Alexei being there beside her, that she wanted Jax more than ever. It was how she found herself spending one of her precious few days off assisting on a patient that wasn't hers, in a hospital she didn't work, in a state she didn't even live.

Kozik was going to give her shit for days about this.

"Tara." Gemma jumped to her feet when she caught sight of the young doctor making her way down the hospital corridor. When they were close enough she pulled the woman into a hug. "I can't tell you how much we appreciate you doing this, baby."

"It's Jax's kid." Tara tightened her arms around Gemma momentarily before stepping back. "I'll do whatever I can. Hey, Luann."

"Hey, sweetie." Luann stepped forward and greeted Tara in a hug. "It's good to have you back."

Tara gave her a strained smile, she wasn't back. Nothing good could come from her being back. Look where being back had gotten her father. But she'd do this, for Abel, for Jax. "Abel's stomach surgery went well." She made sure to keep her voice detached, doctor to family member. Not daughter to mother, because that's what her relationship with Gemma Teller-Morrow would always be. "But it put a lot of strain on his system. The primary think it's best we do the heart surgery now."

"That's good right." Luann began anxiously. "That they don't want to wait."

Gemma studied Tara, trying to find the girl she loved as her own in the doctor that stood before her. To find what it was she didn't want to tell her. "What do you think?"

Tara really wished Gemma hadn't asked, wished she hadn't agreed that this news was best coming from her. "It's the best choice." She wouldn't tell them why. "I'm gonna do everything I can, Gemma."

"I know, baby."

"I, uh, understand that Wendy is in really bad shape. They say she's still detoxing, can't stop crying."

Gemma rolled her eyes, even Luann gave an indignant huff. "And?"

Not at all surprised by this reaction Tara pressed forward. "I was hoping you could talk to her. They're asking me to, figure since I'm close to you and Jax…"

"They're figuring real wrong." Luann put in.

"I'm in the same boat as you, sweetie." Gemma's lips curled humorlessly. "Nothing I have to say to that crank whore is gonna make her feel loved."

"Please, Gemma. You and I both know she's gonna go completely ape shit when she finds out I'm here and working on Abel's case."

"Are you a good doctor?"

Tara's spine stiffened, Gemma had never questioned her skills before. "You know I am."

"Then let the junkie go ape shit. You just take care of our boy." Her head angled slightly. "You should call Jax. He'll be glad to know you're here, even happier when he knows you're in there with Abel."

Tara had known Gemma too long not to know what it was she was trying to do. "Jax knows I'm here. And he knows I'm working on Abel's case. He called me before I scrubbed in." She noticed the way Gemma's eyes practically lit up. "He's also still married, Gemma."

Gemma's hands went up innocently. "Did I say anything? Though its not like Jax being with Wendy's stopped you before."

"It's not like you and Jax being with anyone else has stopped you before." Luann added.

"We're not kids anymore. We _have _kids now. It's important that we put all that shit behind us." The pager on her hip went off. "I gotta go."

"Why don't you and Nik stay with Clay and I tonight?" Gemma already thought about calling Jax, having a nice family dinner. Just the five of them.

"Hap and Kozik are with me, have to stay at the clubhouse." She started quickly up the hall. "Thanks for the offer though."

Gemma smiled, if Tara was staying at the clubhouse that was even better.

It wasn't until he saw her that Jax realized she was exactly what he needed. He reeked of blood, smoke, and he could have sworn charred flesh. His back throbbed where the bullets hit his vest. He felt sick, punished, somehow tainted. Felt like someone had placed a bag over his head and was pulling it tighter and tighter. Then Tara was there, time slowed, and it seemed the rest of his life hinged on what she said next. She smiled, said something he didn't really hear, and she was in his arms. And everything suddenly made sense again.


	2. Seeds

**AN2: So this chapter takes place during Seeds. I flipped a few things around, just little things but the basic episode details are there. More Jax/Tara history. And a scene not in the episode. Hope everyone enjoys.**

**Chapter 2**

_Clean yourself up, Jax._

She'd looked so disappointed. She loved Happy and Kozik. Hell, her father had sponsored them. When Jax was eleven, Lenny had rode into town with Tara and a seventeen year old Happy, told JT Happy was just the type of guy that SAMCRO needed. Two years later he'd come back with an eighteen year old Kozik. The following summer, Tara had come back to Charming alone. But Happy and Kozik, loving Lenny like a father, treated Tara like a beloved kid sister and why Lenny had brought them to Charming instead of keeping them in Tacoma suddenly started to make sense. Especially when she came back to Charming to stay.

It had been the end of Jax's sophomore year of high school, a few months after his dad died. Tara, having been sheltered in the club, didn't have many friends in Tacoma. Actually she didn't have any friends at all and spent all of her time absorbed in school work. So absorbed she ended up finishing high school two years early. Jax had overheard Lenny telling Clay that Tara needed a strong female figure, that he felt Gemma was better suited to raise a teenage girl than he was.

What no one had known, was that the only time Jax had allowed himself to cry after his old man died was when he was in Tara's arms. How he asked, practically begged, her to stay in Charming. Told her that he needed her. That everyone knew all she had to do was ask her old man and he'd give her whatever she wanted. So, why couldn't she ask her old man to let her live in Charming?

While Jax, Opie, and Donna had been in school Tara stuck to Happy and Kozik, working with them at Teller-Morrow. Lenny kept nothing from her, she knew what the SONS were. And she never seemed to hold that against her dad, Kozik, or Happy. Tara had always seemed to hold Jax to a different standard than everyone else. Even her Russian. The fucker had been a member of the Russian mafia, the middle man between the Sons and Putlova. Jax was sure Boris had never been subject to that disapproving stare of hers.

"We boring you VP?"

Clay's impatient voice broke through Jax's musings. Everyone was looking at him. He knew they were wondering just how much his kid being born was twisting him up. Instead of answering, he'd heard every fucked up word and wasn't about to defend himself, he gave a small grin and sat back in his chair.

Tig was ready to let loose, shoot up a couple Nords, kill two birds with one stone as it were.

_Clean yourself up, Jax_.

Tara's voice, that disappointed look, his dad's manuscript, the kid. It was all tumbling around in his head. He had to slow Tig down, get this done without spilling blood. What his dad's manuscript was saying, it made sense. Brains before bullets. His kid would know that. He could be the man both his kid and Tara could be proud of. "I have an idea."

* * *

><p>"I don't think the kid understands."<p>

"Of course he understands, it's in his blood."

"He probably understands it better than you."

"Happy. Kozik." Clay called as they walked out of the clubhouse. "You two giving the Prospect shit." The three men were standing around Kozik's bike.

Kozik was holding Nikolai in one arm, the other pointing to various parts on the bike. "Your Prospect is trying to say Lenny Janowitz's grandson doesn't know bikes."

Chibs grabbed Half-Sack in a headlock. "The kid probably understands better than you do, Prospect."

Juice appeared every bit as skeptical as Half-Sack. "You're saying the kid can name parts of the bike. That he knows them."

Kozik gave a smug grin. "Nik, what's this?"

Nikolai gave a proud smile before replying in his low husky tone. "Tank."

This continued on, Kozik pointing to different parts and Nikolai correctly naming them, until they'd covered the entire bike.

"Holy shit." Bobby held up a hand, Nikolai happily slapped his small hand inside the larger one. "Way to show 'em, little man."

"Don't ever question the kid again, Prospect." Happy warned. "The kid's gonna be riding in no time."

Tig shook his head. "No fucking way Tara's gonna let that happen. He'll be eighteen before she lets him ride."

"Tiggy's probably right." Kozik glanced at his watch before tossing Nikolai over his shoulder, sending the kid into hysterics. "Shit, I need to head out. Can you watch the kid, Hap?"

"Hand him here." Jax held his arms out for the kid, Nikolai seeing this went willingly. Happy was a brother, Jax knew Tara loved and trusted him as he did. But when she came back for Opie's homecoming party, she told him how she left Happy alone with Nikolai for an hour. And walked in to find him explaining the finer points of torture to her all too attentive baby. "You're getting big, kid."

Nikolai gave a slow smile identical to his mother's. "I'm a Son." He corrected.

Jax nodded. "I guess you are."

"Gemma'll watch him." Clay offered. "She's been bitching about spending time with the kid." As they started towards the garage he looked over at his stepson, knew the looked on his face. Knew what is was like to look at kid and wish that he were yours. "You look good with him."

"Figure I should get use to it. What do you think, little man, am I doing a good job?" Nikolai's full attention was trained on Jax's cut and the patches sewn there, he had to jostle him a bit. "Am I doing a good job, Nik?"

Nikolai glanced up, grinned. "No." And turned his attention back to the cut.

"Shit." Jax couldn't help but to laugh as he stepped into the office. "Hey Ma, you got a visitor."

"Hey, baby." Gemma glanced up from the desk, smiled. "Hey, Nikolai."

"Gem!" Nikolai practically leaped out of Jax's arms and into Gemma's. "Gem, cookies!"

"I don't have any cookies here, sweetie." Gemma glanced over at Clay who rolled his eyes.

"I'll send Sack to the house."

Jax grinned as he headed towards the garage. "I was going by to see the kid later." He told his mother.

"Okay, I'll stop by later. I still wanna have that dinner tomorrow." She smiled at the little boy in her arms. "You see Tara before I do, tell her to stop by."

"Sure."

* * *

><p>He didn't know how it was possible for anything to be so small. Wondered what it was that had the kid fighting, wondered if he'd ever understand it.<p>

"Hey," Tara approached from the end of the hall, dressed in a set of hospital issue scrubs. Dark hair pulled back in a ponytail.

"Hey." Jax grinned. "He's moving around a lot more."

"I had a look at his chart earlier, all his vitals are up."

Jax nodded, but there was still a sinking feeling in his gut. "Any permanent damage from the drugs and everything."

"There's no way to know that for sure, at least not yet. Right now everything points to a full recovery."

He tried to hold on to that, knew Tara wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. No matter what their relationship, she wouldn't fill him with false hope about his kid. "How long is he gonna have to be in that thing?"

Tara shook her head, wondered why he wasn't posing these questions to his primary. Wondered why she didn't tell him to ask these questions to the primary. "Again we don't know, maybe a couple weeks. But he'll be here in the NICU for few months."

"Hey," He moved away from her, had to move away from her. He and Tara couldn't share space. There was too much between them. Hell, he didn't even know how look at her, how to be around her and not want her. "About last night-"

"I…don't want to know." She couldn't know. Right now, because of the mess she'd gotten herself into, she couldn't know club business. It would only lead to trouble.

"Right." He glanced up at her, couldn't help but to smile. His girl, a doctor.

Noticing his gaze, catching the look in his eyes, she returned his smile. "What?"

"Just thought you'd land a million miles away from this place. Towards the end, I kinda got the feeling you hated it here."

"I didn't hate Charming, Jax." She'd hated him. Hated him for trying to make her choose. For not waiting for her, not even trying to. "Just me…in it, at the time." The stupidly in love girl who actually considered throwing away her future as a doctor.

After that huge fight at Opie and Donna's wedding, Tara had gone back to school to finish up the last of her classes. She'd been miserable, didn't know how to live with knowing she'd never be with Jax again. Began to think she didn't_ need_ to be a doctor. Thought her bachelors would be enough, that she could take her degree back to Charming, do something with it there.

Probably would have if her father hadn't thrown her that graduation party. SAMCRO had shown up strong, she told Gemma what she decided to do. Told her she wanted to move to Charming, be with Jax. Gemma had smiled, hugged her tight, and told her she couldn't wait to have her around full time again. Jax still wasn't speaking to her, still had Wendy on his arm, but Tara hadn't been worried. She knew when she told him her plans, everything would be fine.

And everything would have been fine, but her father ended up making a speech. Toasting his daughter. He stood in front of everyone, glass of whiskey held high, and told them he'd never been more proud of anything in his life as he was of his little girl. That he never dreamed he'd have a kid that would be a doctor. He said she was the one good thing he'd ever done and that he couldn't have asked for a better kid. When he called her over to stand next to him, she'd seen her father as she'd never had before. There'd been tears in his eyes, he _allowed_ her to see the tears in his eyes. She couldn't let him down, not after that. One look at Gemma told her the older woman knew it as well.

"Yeah."

"I hear Wendy's going to be okay." Tara offered as she lowered herself down next to him on the small couch.

He wished she hadn't brought up Wendy. "Define okay."

"They're taking her through sedated detox, she'll be out for a couple days." She slipped seamlessly back into doctor mode. When it came to Wendy she had to detach herself. But there was a nagging question at the back of her mind. "Are you two…still together?" _Not that it's ever stopped you before_, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Luann reminded her.

"Naw, I filed over a year ago." He looked at her closely, wondered if she could figure out the timeline. Hell, she probably realized it a year ago. He could play it off, he and Wendy never should have been married and divorce was imminent. But the truth was, just days after finding out the Russian had been killed, Jax filed for divorce from his wife. There was nothing coincidental about it. "She got clean about ten months back, tried to reconcile. Didn't work out too well." It was a fucking disaster. Even moreso than it was the first time around. He'd gone back because his pride was hurt, because Tara didn't immediately leap into his arms. It had been his mother who made him realize that guilt kept Tara from coming back to him. She shared a child with Alexei and though she may not have loved him, she did care for him. She grieved for him. And Jax had felt like an ass.

"Well at least one good thing came out of it." Tara glanced back into the nursery.

Jax followed her gaze before smiling at her. "Yeah. I should get going."

"Yeah, I was thinking about going on rounds." And she needed to start before Kozik showed. If she was in the middle of something when he showed he was less likely to drag her out.

Jax started to get up, but couldn't pull himself away just yet. His hand went to her thigh, he tried to make it friendly, had to force himself not to move his hand up any higher. "It's good to have you back."

The smile strained at the edges. She wanted to tell him that she wasn't back, but she couldn't get the words out.

* * *

><p>From behind the nurses station, Tara caught sight of Gemma. Grabbing her bag, she quickly stepped into her way. "Gemma."<p>

"Hey, Abel seems stronger. Better."

"He's a lucky kid, both he and his mom escaped death in one night."

"Yeah," Gemma gave a disingenuous sigh. "I heard about Wendy. Very sad. Can't say I'm surprised."

Tara shook her head. "Guess you wouldn't be." She mumbled as Gemma walked away.

Having heard her, Gemma turned back. "Something on your mind?"

"No. Something weighing on yours?"

Gemma's eyes narrowed. "Junkie tell you something?"

"She's out." Tara approached her, voice dropping to a whisper. "I asked you to talk to her Gemma. Not shoot her full of crank."

The picture of innocence, Gemma held up her hands. "I didn't, I promise."

Knowing Gemma as well as she did, hell she spent her formative years learning at her knee, Tara knew how her mind worked. "Gave her the needle then. Jesus, Gemma when she wakes up-"

"She'll say what? That yeah, she was shooting crank up her fingers and toes her entire pregnancy but this time it was someone else's fault." She scoffed. "Who the hell is going to believe that?"

"They think I was the last one to talk to her. When she wakes up they're going to send a psychiatrist in there to talk to her, who's going to ask her what we talked about to make her want to kill herself. Knowing Wendy she might tell them I pumped her full of crank just to screw with me. If I were a cop I'd use our history as motive."

"Thank God you're only a doctor. And with your history, _she_ should be the one trying to kill _you_."

With a huff, Tara went to stand by the elevators.

"Oh, come on, it was funny." Gemma smiled as she eased an arm around Tara's shoulders. "Relax, baby. Don't worry about Wendy, you just focus on getting our boy better and helping Jax."

"Gemma…" Tara sighed. "I'm not here to get Jax back. I'll probably be heading back to Tacoma by the end of the week, beginning of next at the latest."

"Whatever you say, baby." But nothing in Gemma's voice indicated that she believed her. "Did Jax tell you about the dinner I'm having tomorrow night?"

* * *

><p>It was a delicate dance, holding a sleeping Nikolai, trying to balance her cell while avoiding Kozik's prodding fingers. This is when she regretted getting drunk with him, when she was younger and he was sneaking her booze and using her drunken state to ferret out her most ticklish spots, it was fun. But when she was sober, trying to act like an actual adult, and he was using knowledge he gained while she was drunk, it tilted towards annoying.<p>

"Stop," She was laughing as she said it. "You're going to wake him up."

"Cannon fire can't wake that kid up." Kozik's hand cupped and squeezed the back of her neck, she nearly shrieked in laughter.

"That isn't funny." Taking the phone from her ear, she pointed a finger at him in warning. "I'm serious, now. Stop it. Donna's not answering. Do you have Opie's number?"

"Naw," He nodded at something over her shoulder. "Maybe Jax has it."

Tara turned just as Jax stepped out of the clubhouse with some blonde. Whore croweater, her mind supplied and had her silently cursing herself for thinking that way. That shit between her and Jax, their back and forth, it was over. She promised herself before she left Tacoma that she wouldn't allow herself to fall into old patterns with him. And those patterns included getting jealous at every blonde he found it necessary to fuck.

"Jax."

The smile he'd been flashing at Emily dropped, just like the arm he'd thrown around her shoulder, the moment he saw Tara. "Tara, hey. You remember Emily, right?"

Tara resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Why would she remember Emily?

"Tara Janowitz." Emily beamed, not at all offended by Jax's behavior. Anyone who spent time around the prince and princess knew how they were when they were together. "Wow, it's been a long time."

"Yeah," Really, she had no idea who this woman was. "How's it been?"

"Really good, but I should get going. It was good seeing you."

"You, too." She knew Kozik heard the lie in her voice, she didn't even need to hear his poorly concealed laugh to prove it. A laugh that had her driving her elbow back into his stomach even as she turned her attention to Jax "I need Opie's number."

"What do you need to talk to Opie for, call Donna."

"I did call Donna, there's no answer, that's why I'm calling Opie." Tara held her phone out to Jax. "So, can you…"

Jax took the phone to dial Opie's number for her. "You and Donna gonna hang out tonight."

"No, I need her to keep Nik tomorrow."

"Why can't Kozik watch him?"

"Because Kozik's coming with me."

Kozik grinned. "It's my job to make sure the Princess' cute little ass stays in one piece."

Jax immediately shut the phone, resisting the urge to drive his fist into Kozik's face. "Really? Where are you going?"

Tara tried to reach for her phone, but Jax slid it into his back pocket. "Don't do this."

"Do what? I just want to know where the two of you are going that the kid can't."

And here we go, Kozik thought as he leaned back against his bike. He knew this cycle, he hated this cycle. He, along with everyone else, had been watching the two of them go around this way since Tara and Jax were fourteen years old. Back when they hadn't known what to do with their feelings for each other. It had gotten progressively more annoying the older they got.

"We're going to visit my dad."

"Lenny doesn't want to see his grandson."

"Seriously, Jax." But he simply gave her an impassive look, as if he were being completely reasonable. "We're heading out tomorrow because I'm meeting with an appraiser, someone wants to buy one of the rentals. We're going to stay the night and then head out to see my dad in the morning. Is that okay with His Highness?"

"Fine with me, Princess."

Kozik figured since _he_ could tell Jax wasn't fine with it, Tara sure as shit could. There'd been a time, back when they were fifteen year old hormones and this jealous bickering thing first started, he wished they'd just fuck and get it over with. Then John Teller died and everything changed. The back and forth was still there, but they became something more. They became a unit.

"Can I have my phone back now?"

"Come get it."

Despite her best efforts, the corners of Tara's mouth curled slightly. "I'm holding my son, Jax."

And now they cycled around to the flirting. Kozik rolled his eyes heavenward, the words kill me now floating through his head.

"Hey kids," Gemma had a large pleased grin on her face as she approached them. "What's going on?"

Clay was beside her, the look he was giving his stepson wasn't pleased at all. "Shouldn't you be heading out."

"I got time."

Turning Tara placed a still sleeping Nikolai in Kozik's arms before she found herself wrapped in Clay's.

"There's my girl." Clay was grinning when he lifted Tara a few inches off her feet. "You bailed on me last night." He set her back on her feet. "I came over here to see you only to find out you were gone."

"I realized Nik wouldn't get any sleep and I wouldn't get any mother of the year awards if we stayed at the clubhouse. The new renters won't be moving into my mother's old house for another week or two, so Nik, Kozik, and I stayed there."

"How fucking cozy."

The back of Gemma's hand connected with Jax's shoulder, in the end she did more harm to herself than him but he did close his mouth. He was practically daring Tara to do something stupid. "Now, is one of you going to tell me what's going on or do I have to guess."

"I was trying to get a hold of Donna and Opie," Tara began to explain. "I wanted to see if Donna could keep Nik tomorrow."

"Donna and Opie are going through it right now." Gemma informed her. "I'll keep him." She noticed the heat in her son's eyes and decided to add a bit of fuel. "So what, you and Kozik got big plans." Besides her Jax tensed and Gemma didn't bother to smother the grin that touched her lips.

"I wish, no. I'm gonna sell one of the rentals, so there's some stuff we need to handle. And then we're going to see my dad."

"You give Lenny my best." Clay placed a kiss on Tara's temple, then went over to place a lingering kiss on Gemma's lips. "I'll see you later."

"We should get going, too."

"Are you coming to dinner tomorrow?"

In a move that annoyed Jax more than it should have, Tara turned to Kozik before she answered. "Probably not, odds are we'll be on the road by then."

Stepping forward, Gemma framed Tara's face in her hands. "Well, bring him by whenever." She kissed Tara before stepping back to watch as she said goodbye to Jax.

"See you later."

Jax held his hand out, grinning when she stared at it suspiciously for a moment before laying her palm over his. Closing his fingers tight over her hand he gave her a tug that had her stumbling into his chest. There was a part of him that wanted just rub against her. She still fit, everything lining perfectly. "Count on it, babe." He leaned in to kiss her, changing his mind at the last minute so that his lips just barely brushed her cheek.

"Yeah." Tara did her best to hide her disappointment. She wanted to kiss him, felt as if whole lifetimes had passed since the last time she felt his lips on hers. "You be safe."

Jax watched as she walked to her car, Kozik right beside her carrying Nikolai. And that burned, it really fucking did. And he found himself struggling with the urge to step in.

"They look good together." Gemma observed with a sly smile the red haze in Jax's eyes didn't allow him to see.

Jax scoffed, clenched his fist and forced himself to look away from them. He had the uncomfortable feeling that it was going to be a long fucking night.


	3. Fun Town

**Chapter 3**

Watching his mother and Clay had the smile forming on his lips without his really being aware. Wondered how two people could still be so in love after so long a time. He knew Clay had other women during runs, but he never doubted his stepfather's love for his mother, never doubted their commitment to each other.

He missed Tara.

Could they last as long as his mother and Clay? He's loved her for as long as he could remember. When they were first together it was…he'd never experienced anything like that before or since. They'd been completely absorbed in one another. Everything had been so fucking intense. For the first time Jax had understood what it was to _need_ someone. Had never needed anyone or anything the way he needed her then. Fuck, even now. Hearing her voice on the phone, knowing she was in town, he thought he could finally get his life together. Knew that she was what had been missing all this time. Just the sound of her voice and he felt like he was part of the world again.

He wondered how things would be for them now. Their boys changed things. Admittedly, he hated the way she changed after Nikolai was born. The kid grounded her in a way he hadn't understood until his own son was born. He missed their games, missed the way she allowed him to goad her into sex. Missed the way she'd push and prod at him until he had no choice but to drag her off and strip her naked.

The day he found out she was pregnant had hurt in a way he couldn't even put into words. Didn't matter that he'd been married at the time. Didn't matter that she and Alexei had been together on and off for four years. He felt betrayed, hell even cheated on. He didn't understand how she allowed that to happen. Didn't understand how she could think to carry a child that wasn't his. Didn't know how they could ever find their way back to each other if he hated her kid.

Jax could remember the first time Tara had brought the kid to Charming. Nikolai had been little more than a month old. Her old man, Kozik, and Happy had been with her. The party was at Gemma's, he figured that was the reason she decided to leave Alexei at home. Jax knew it had been for the best. Seeing Tara with someone else's kid was bad enough. Seeing her and Alexei playing happy families was only going to lead to bloodshed. But what he felt when he saw her with the kid, had not at all been what he expected to feel.

It was the happiest he'd ever seen her. She actually fucking…glowed, was the only word he could think to use. And when she looked at him, the light in her eyes had dimmed a bit. The happiness giving way to fear, he knew she was afraid of what his reaction might be. No matter their history, if he couldn't accept her kid it would be the end of them. The knowledge had sent a chill down his spine and had him approaching his mother and the baby with hesitant steps.

He'd been holding his breath when he looked down at Nikolai for the first time, afraid of what he might feel. But when he finally set eyes on the kid, all he saw was Tara. Her nose, her lips, the cleft in her chin, and, when the baby yawned, her dimples in his cheeks. When he looked up at Tara and smiled, he liked to believe they both sighed in relief.

"Gem!" Nikolai's husky voice cut through the noise around the table.

Jax glanced over to see Tara, Nikolai and Kozik walk in. Tara was holding the kid, Kozik's arm was thrown casually around her shoulder.

Seeing her, Juice and Chibs jumped up from the table and rushed her. Tara just barely placed Nikolai in Kozik's arms before she was tackled by them. Clearly not liking what he saw, Nikolai pushed against Kozik's chest and looked prepared to do a flying leap onto the backs of the men wrapped around his mother. It was obvious he caught Kozik off guard, as he broke the man's hold on him. Fortunately Kozik stopped him before he could go flying through the air.

"He's a fucking wild man." Clay stated. And Jax wasn't sure if there was pride or disbelief in his stepfather's voice, figured it was probably a little of both.

"Chibs. Juice." Tara was laughing even as she struggled to pull away from them. "Get off me."

"But we've missed you so much, darlin."

"Alright, alright." Clay called. "Let her breath." Tara gave Juice a playful shove before reaching out for Nikolai. She pulled him tight to her chest. "You be good." He grinned and kissed her nose. "Nik, are you going to be a good boy?" This time he kissed her cheek. "Nicky?"

"Why are you asking him to lie to you?" Happy gave her a pointed look. "He's going to rip this fucking house apart."

Pulling Nikolai close once again, Tara pressed a kiss to his temple even as she gave Happy the finger behind her son's back. "Love you, Nik."

"Love you, Mommy." His small arms tightened around her neck momentarily before he scrambled down out of her arms, under the table, to pop up at Gemma's side.

"Thanks again, Gemma. Everything he needs is in his bag. He usually conks out around nine. He's getting better at the potty training, but you have to stay on him. And I don't care how he begs, no chocolate milk, it does not agree with his stomach."

Happy's face scrunched up. "You'd be surprised by just how much shit could come out of something so small."

"Noted." Gemma nodded as she pulled Nikolai into her lap.

"All goes well, we'll be back this time tomorrow."

"Little girl." Piney's gruff voice halted her exit. "Just gonna walk out of here without speaking."

"Last time I saw you, you yelled at me for advising Donna not to let you smoke in her house or around her kids." But she walked over to him, giving Tig's shoulder a nudge on the way by, and wrapped her arms around Piney.

"And."

With a roll of her eyes, Tara kissed his cheek. "It's good to see, Piney."

Reaching up he patted one of her hands. "Tell your old man hi for me."

"I will." Tara turned her head, eyes meeting with Jax. And she wondered if there would ever be a time when she would be able to look at him and not feel the tightening around her heart or the butterflies in her stomach. Wondered if she'd ever get to the point in which living without Jackson Teller was a viable option. When she wouldn't love him and want him and need him with every breath she took.

Jax knew that look in her eyes. Thought maybe it was the same one reflected in his. Her eyes had narrowed slightly, that clear green going a shade darker. Lips parting slightly, had him struggling with the urge to get up and kiss her. He fucking loved her mouth. Wanted to bite and suck on her bottom lip until it plumped and reddened.

"Jesus Christ, you two." Clay's voice was filled with disgust as his gaze traveled between Jax and Tara. "I'm trying to eat here."

Tara smiled. "Fine. Do you think the Prospect can get my car back to the house?"

"You should know Prospect," Kozik grinned as he reached over Tig's shoulder and to grab a dinner roll off his plate. "You scratch that Jag and she's gonna remove your other nut."

The back of Tara's hand connected with Kozik's shoulder. "Don't listen to him, but the car was a gift. So if something _does_ happen to it, I'll have Happy remove something of his choosing from you."

"It'll probably be your other nut." Happy twirled his dinner knife around his fingers, but kept his attention on Tara. "I still think you should drive, little girl. It might rain or something."

"I checked the weather, Hap, I'll be okay on Kozik's bike. Promise."

Jax quickly set aside the glass in is hand before he shattered it. Did she even know what that tattoo on her back meant? Why the fuck couldn't they drive? Did she really need to ride on Kozik's bike. Did Kozik even have to fucking go?

"Come on, Princess." Kozik nodded towards the door. "Time to get that royal ass in gear."

"Why don't you fucking cool it with that?" Jax snapped, as far as he was concerned Kozik spent way too much time thinking about Tara's ass.

Instead of saying anything, Tara stepped behind his chair, hands giving his shoulders a comforting squeeze. Leaning over the chair she kissed the top of his head. "Bye, Jax." Before he could respond or worse touch her, she backed away from him. "Bye, Nik. Mommy'll see you tomorrow."

Nikolai was in Gemma's lap, a ear of corn the size of his arm clutch in his hands. "Bye Mommy."

And her heart clenched at the happy grin he sent her. God, how she hated leaving her baby.

* * *

><p>"You know I'm proud of you."<p>

Tara, who'd been shifting through the papers from the appraiser, glanced absently over at Kozik. "What?"

"You saw Jax with Emily Duncan and you didn't go out and do…well, anyone."

"Shut up." The buzzer sounded, she glanced up just as the guards escorted her father in and smiled. "Why do you always have to be an ass?"

"Come on, Princess. You gotta admit, few years ago Jax came out of that clubhouse with Emily, you'd have taken that prospect for a ride."

Tara's face registered her disgust, mainly at herself because that was a little too close to the truth. "He's twelve."

"Yeah but-"

Thankfully whatever he was going to say next was cut off by the guard, who seemed caught between being disgusted and interested in her. When he turned his back, Tara reached out to punch Kozik in the shoulder, which only resulted in him laughing at her. He stepped around her to walk into the visiting room first, something else he knew annoyed her and had her questioning why she considered him her best friend.

"Wait," She grabbed a fistful of his shirt. "Don't say anything about the call." She nodded towards her dad. "I don't want him to know."

"Tara," Kozik sighed, he didn't like lying to Lenny. But there was a plea in her eyes and he couldn't say no. "Alright."

Tara mouthed a thank you before releasing his shirt so that he could walk to her father.

"Lenny." Kozik took Lenny's hand before pulling him into a hug. "You look good."

"Kozik, still a liar. I look like shit." He shoved the younger man aside. "There's my girl."

"Dad." Tara wrapped her arms around her father. The tears and guilt came on immediately. The words _my fault_ racing through her head even as she felt the reassuring ones of her father mouthed against her ear. There'd been a time when he was her entire world. When she was a little girl, she thought he was the biggest man to ever live. Whenever she knew he would be coming to visit she'd sit in the front yard for hours just to watch him ride up the street. The noise his and the bikes of his brothers made sent her young heart racing. She loved the way the bikes wavered in the horizon, the noise filling the quiet of the neighborhood. And when her dad stepped off the bike to swing her up in his large arms, she'd feel safe and protected. The first time she saw Jax with another girl, after the horrible fight at Opie and Donna's wedding, when Alexei pressed her for more, after Joshua got _really_ crazy, it was straight to her dad's arms she ran.

Now her dad was locked away from her. And no matter what he said, she knew it was her fault.

"Hey, Ricone." Lenny called to the guard at the door. "My little girl the surgeon."

The guards lips curled slightly, his eyes traveling appreciatively over Tara. "Must look like her mother."

"Eyes above the neck, shithead." Lenny lowered himself onto the bench but kept Tara's hand locked in his. "Where's my grandson?"

"Because of the business with the house, I decided it was best for Nik to stay behind. So he stayed with Gemma last night." Tara laced her fingers with his. "I'll bring him before we had back to Tacoma. I promise."

"I heard about Jax's kid. How's he doing?"

"He'll make it," Kozik jumped in. "Thanks to Dr. Knowles swooping in to save the day."

Lenny smiled wide and proud. "No shit."

Tara shook her head. "I assisted, that's all. I'm sorry that kept me-_us_-away."

"You were taking care of family." He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. "Jax and Gemma needed you. I'm proud of you kiddo."

Tara wanted to tell him how much she missed him. Wanted to bury her face in his chest and cry. She hated being weak in front of men. Had spent enough time around the club to know how they treated weak women. It was only with her dad, Jax, and on occasion Kozik, that she allowed herself to drop her guard. But her dad was locked up. And she couldn't run to Jax with this problem. "Now, the house-"

Lifting their joined hands, Lenny waved off whatever she was about to say. "Later. How are you doing?"

"I'm good, dad."

Lenny studied her a moment, obviously not convinced. "That son of a bitch still bothering you."

"No." Even if he was, her dad would likely be the last person she told about that now. Lenny was as short-tempered as he was intelligent. And if they were going to find him some way out of this jam, she needed him to stay out of trouble. Which meant she needed him to stay calm. "Dad, I don't want you worrying about that."

Lenny gave her hand a tug to pull her closer. "That fucker terrorized you, put his hands-"

"He didn't."

"I know he did. No one hurts my little girl. And until he's taken care of, I'm gonna worry." He looked over at Kozik. "I'm counting on you and Hap to take care of her."

Kozik placed his hand on Tara's shoulder. "We won't let anything happen to her Lenny. Promise."

* * *

><p>"Hands up, Niko. Like this." Jax kept one arm locked around the toddler's waist and held the other above his head. Smiling wide when the kid mimicked him. This was their first time on the carousal, one of the few rides he could actually get Nikolai on. Tig and Bobby were on horses on either side of him. His mother had taken Nikolai while they rode other things but Jax had seen the look in the kid's eye. The kid wanted to ride, wanted to get down and wreck havoc. Jax felt it was his duty to let him.<p>

"Gem! Gem!" Nikolai smiled wide.

From her place in front of the carousal Gemma pulled out her cell, snapping a few pictures of Jax and Nikolai to send to Tara.

"You think this is a good idea." Clay's arm was resting casually across her shoulders. "Weren't you the one, just the other day, worried that he was getting all twisted up. Now you're adding Tara and another kid."

"Tara's what Jax needs to get his head on straight."

Back on the carousal, Jax half expected the kid to freak out once they started moving. Instead he kept his arms held as high as he could, large grin plastered across his face while urging the ride to, "Go, go, go!"

The day continued on pretty much like this, Jax got the kid on what rides he could, and the rides Nikolai could get on he loved every minute of. At a certain point they lost Clay and Gemma, but by then Nikolai was holding pretty tightly to Jax. He wanted to get the kid something, a stuff animal or souvenir of some kind. When he heard what his mother whispered to Clay, he decided to take Nikolai into the photo booth before he wouldn't even be able to walk pass the structure without getting the willies.

"Hey, dunk tank." Jax handed his money to the carnie before passing Nikolai over to Bobby. "Watch this, little man." He threw two balls as hard as he could, missed both times.

"You're embarrassing yourself in front of your kid, pretty boy. Maybe you should send his mother to me so the kid can have a real man for an influence."

Jax took Nikolai back from Bobby, then carried him over to the target. "Hit it, Niko. Hit it." He encouraged over the clown's protests.

By the time they were finished, Jax was carrying a wet happy Nikolai around the fair grounds.

"Why the hell is he wet?" Gemma demanded.

"We had to put a little bitch in his place. Right, Niko?" Jax gave Nikolai's shirt a tug, but the little boy was starting to doze off.

"Gemma." Elliot Oswald was walking the fairgrounds with his family when he crossed paths with them. "Clay. Jax." His eyes narrowed on the little boy. "I heard about your son, hope everything turns out, okay."

"Thanks." He tuned out the rest of the conversation. Wondered if he'd ever get a chance to bring Abel to a carnival. Imagined what it would be like to come back next year with Abel and Tara. Is it what she would want? Them, together, with their boys? The image came so clearly to his mind, he didn't even have to ask himself if it was what he wanted.

"This must be your boy with Tara."

Before Jax could correct him, Elliot's daughter looked up at him with a smile he was use to getting from women of all ages. "He's really cute."

Jax grinned as he rubbed his hand in circles over Nikolai's back. "Thanks, sweetheart. Here." Reaching into his pocket he pulled out the rest of his tickets. "They won't let me back on any of the rides because I was screaming too loud." He gave her a wink that caused her entire face to go red.

"Hey," Juice called as he jogged across the grounds. "Irish are coming."

Knowing what that meant, Jax handed a now sleeping Nikolai to his mother. He pulled the booth photos from his pocket, handed those to Gemma as well. "Those are Tara's. Don't get them mixed up with yours, I don't wanna scar her for life."

"Smart ass."

* * *

><p>"Dr. Knowles."<p>

Why she thought it would be possible to get in and out of the hospital quickly was beyond her. But she wanted to see Abel, check on him, introduce Nikolai to him. It really should have been a quick trip, she should have known it wouldn't be.

Biting back a sigh, but not bothering to smile, Tara lifted Nikolai into her arms as she turned around. "Dr. Lancaster, good to see you again."

"You, too. I thought you'd like to know that Wendy Teller is awake."

Tara nodded. "That's good. I should-"

"She agreed not to file suit against the hospital. We were just getting ready to have her sign the papers. Thought you'd like to be there."

Not as much as you'd like me to be there, Tara thought as she untangled Nikolai's fingers from her hair. "I would, but I have my son. Under the circumstances I don't think I should bring him with me."

"I thought I saw you come in with a friend."

Although it was a snap judgment and maybe a little unfair, Tara thought she hated this man. It didn't matter that he had no way of knowing that her 'friend' was an outlaw biker who thought her son needed to know the best places to stab a man to ensure a quick painless death. As much as she loved Happy and knew he loved Nikolai, it was just best all around if she restricted their time alone together.

"I think Mrs. Teller could really use a friend."

"Yeah." Which was why she had no business being in that room. There was no way this would end well. "Let me just-" She simply made a gesture towards the end of the hall and very much considered making a run for it.

* * *

><p>Tara could recall very few times when she felt <em>this <em>awkward. The fact that her last clear recollection also involved Wendy was not lost on her. At all. She knew she should have just gone back to Tacoma.

When Wendy finally signed her name to the last of the papers, Tara gave a sigh of relief and prepared to follow Dr. Lancaster, the admin, and the hospital's attorney out of the room.

"You should stay." Dr. Lancaster whispered. "Talk to her."

Jesus Christ, Tara thought but stayed behind. Turning back to the bed, she tried a smile. "How do you feel?"

Wendy scoffed. "Dopey."

Tara nodded, bit back her initial comment. "To be expected."

"Jax been by."

Knowing what it must have cost Wendy to ask her, of all people, that question Tara attempted to move pass her own feelings as well. "I don't know, just got back into town last night."

"You must be loving this."

And the feeling of goodwill was gone. "Your son, Jax's son nearly died. It's tearing him up inside. Why would I enjoy that?"

"Please. The doctor and the junkie, the two women who love Jackson Teller. I nearly killed his son, you saved him. We couldn't be on more opposite ends of the shit spectrum. And this just proved it to him."

Tara thought they'd be better off not talking about Jax. "You told the hospital you had a friend smuggle in that syringe."

Wendy laid back on the bed, but watched Tara out of the corner of her eye. "Thought I'd tell 'em it was you?"

"Crossed my mind."

"Crossed mine, too. But don't worry, I know the party line. I kept your name out of it, Princess."

Tara rolled her eyes and figured they played nice long enough.

"So," Wendy began before Tara could reach the door. "Fuck my husband, yet?"

And, there it is. "Wendy-"

"What? Was that out of line?"

"I'm not here to hurt you. I came to help Abel, to support the family."

Wendy gave a bitter laugh. "That sounds strangely familiar. Actually, I believe that's almost exactly what you said. That you only came to my wedding to support the family. I guess that you came _at_ my wedding was just a bonus."

"That wasn't one of my finer moments." Probably one of her smaller ones. But she'd been eaten up with jealousy. Pissed that Jax would take things so far as to marry another woman.

So she wore a dress she knew would drive Jax crazy. Made Alexei her plus one knowing it would piss Jax off. Then she spent the night ignoring him and plastered to Alexei. She drank, she danced, and made sure Alexei's hands remained on her at all times. When she finally pushed Jax as far as he could stand, she didn't even bother to smother her grin as he dragged her to his dorm room. He shoved her back against the door and they didn't even bother to remove their clothes. Tara unzipped his fly, Jax shoved aside her panties, and she was coming before he was even fully inside her. They managed a little more finesse the second time.

"You fucked my husband _at_ my wedding and all you can say is that it wasn't one of your finer moments."

Tara thought about pointing out the fact that it wasn't _technically_ her wedding. The _wedding_ was a quick shot gun thing in Vegas while Jax was drunk and pissed off at her. No, what took place at the clubhouse, if they were going to call it anything, was the reception. But she knew now was not the time to start that fight. Actually considering how deep in the wrong she'd been, Tara knew there would never be a time to start that fight. "I'm sorry. I'm not proud of my behavior. It hurt a lot of people."

"And yet here you are to get him back."

Tara shook her head. "Bye, Wendy."

"You think things will be different." Wendy taunted. "You'll never be able to stand the thought of him with other women. And Jax will never be able to keep his dick in pants. It still won't work between you."

"I think you need to concentrate on getting clean, Wendy. And not concern yourself with what I'm doing."

* * *

><p>"And that's mommy's heartbeat." Tara had to smile at the look of concentration on Nikolai's face. She had him perched on top of the nurses station. Someone had given him a stethoscope and she couldn't deny that she felt a surge of pride in seeing him with it. "Can you hear it?"<p>

Nikolai glanced up at her briefly, nodded, then focused his attention back on the stethoscope. Since the earpieces were hanging out of his ears, she doubted he heard anything. "Wanna hear your heart?"

"No, mommy's heart." He held the chest piece up to her mouth. "Mommy, say hi."

There was no way she couldn't smile at that. "Hi, Nik." He threw his head back and laughed. Why he found that so funny, she didn't know.

"Another doctor in the family." Gemma began as she approached them. She ran a hand over Nikolai's hair to gain his attention. "Hi, baby."

"Hi, Gem."

"So, what are you two hanging around for?"

"I brought Nik by to see Abel. Happy came with us and now he's off with some nurse doing God knows what to that woman."

"Sweetheart, I doubt even God knows some of the things Happy's likely doing to that woman."

Tara couldn't help but to nod her agreement. "Is it true about Tristan Elliot?" But she saw the answer in Gemma's eyes. "Jesus, she's a child."

"Not anymore." Gemma ran an absent hand over Tara's hair. "How's our boy?"

"Stronger. I took a look at his chart, he's doing very well Gemma."

"Good," Gemma kissed first Tara then Nikolai's temple. "I'll see you later."

"Hey, wait." Scooping Nikolai up off the counter, Tara started after Gemma. "Wendy's awake. They had me go in there, Gemma. Said she needed a friend."

"Why don't you just tell them how you fucked her husband at her wedding." Gemma smirked and Tara would have sworn there was pride in her eyes. "I'm sure they'll stop asking you to be all buddy buddy with her then."

"Okay, technically it wasn't her wedding. It was more like the reception."

Gemma's smirk stayed in place. "Right."

Not wanting Gemma to walk away with the upper hand, Tara once again stopped her before she could walk away. "You know the gift shop is still open."

"And?"

"Just thought you should know." Tara's lips curled slightly. "In case you wanted to buy Wendy flowers."

"Another smart ass."

* * *

><p>From his vantage point on the roof, Jax had seen the car pull in. He recognized the Jag and even if he didn't, Happy was right behind her. He started down the ladder to meet her. "Hey, what are you doing here so late?" He took a look in the backseat. Nikolai was fast asleep in his car seat.<p>

"Wanted to see you." Stepping out of the car, Tara leaned back against the door. "See how you were. I heard you guys were playing Avengers."

"Yeah well, playing avengers didn't exactly go as I thought it would." Even though he knew he probably shouldn't, Jax leaned against the car so they were hip to hip. "Seems Clay and I were working towards different ends."

He just seemed so lost, she hated to see him this way. And it took all her willpower not to just take him in her arms. "It doesn't matter what Clay was after. What were you trying to do, Jax?"

"A thirteen year old girl was raped, there's no making that right…but I wanted to try."

He would. He had such a good heart, always had. "Clay…is Clay. Always has been. You tried to do the right thing, don't let Clay twist that."

God, he fucking missed her. Missed this, these quiet moments of comfort she could bring him. "I can't believe you're driving a Jag."

"It was a gift."

"The Russian?"

Tara didn't bother reminding him that "The Russian" had a name. "Yeah, he gave it to me after Nikolai was born."

"You popped out my kid here's a car." Jax took a languid drag from his cigarette. "And a fucking Jag, the guy didn't know you at all." Tara didn't go in for expensive gifts. It was true Lenny may have spoiled her, but not with things. Material things never mattered to Tara. He didn't know how someone could claim to love her and not know that about her.

"His heart was in the right place." Tara dismissed it with a wave of her hand. "Besides, I'm shipping it back to Tacoma tomorrow. I can't wait to show you what my dad had in storage."

Jax grinned at her teasing tone. "Can I get a hint?"

"No, you'll just have to wait and see."

They fell into a companionable silence and Jax could see she was getting ready to leave. He knew, with the kid in the car, she couldn't just hang around all night. But he wasn't ready for her to go just yet. "I hear Wendy's up."

"She is."

"What the fuck am I suppose to do with that?"

"Go see her. She asked about you." Off his look, Tara rolled his eyes. "Don't ask."

"Shit, I'm surprised that hospital's still standing."

"Shut up." She bumped her shoulder against his. "You need to talk to her, Jax. The two of you have a child. You have to work your shit out for him."

"That what you and the Russian did." Irritated, Jax stomped out his cigarette.

"Alexei and I knew what we had to do for our son. But it was different. Alexei and I weren't married."

No matter how she tried to hide it, Jax caught the way she practically bit the word off. "I told you I filed for divorce."

"And Alexei didn't have a drug problem."

"No, he just worked for the Russian mob. You probably don't even know half the fucked up shit he did."

He was right, she didn't. The most she knew about Alexei's business was that he bought guns from SAMCRO. "Doesn't change the fact that he's Nikolai's father. And he loved his son, he loved both of us." And she felt the guilt pressing in on her. She may have cared for Alexei, lusted for him, and just plain enjoyed his company. She never loved him. "I know it never would have worked for us. I'm surprised we managed for as long as we did. But we would have found a way to make it work for Nik. Wendy is Abel's mother. You have to get right with her, Jax. You have to get right with her for your son."

* * *

><p>Jax found himself taking Tara's advice. It had been her voice in his ear that had him climbing onto his bike and carried him up the hospital corridors. He felt he owed Wendy the truth, thought he might have owed her much more than that.<p>

"Hey." He spoke softly.

Wendy pulled herself up in the bed a bit. "Hey. I'm glad you're here."

He didn't want her to think this was something that it wasn't. Didn't want to hurt her any more than he already had. So he cut straight to the point. "You can't keep doing this Wendy. It's not good for you or the kid."

"I know. But if we-"

"There is no _we, _Wendy. There can't be. Us getting back together, I knew that was a bad idea. I didn't wanna be married. No way I was ready for a kid. When you got pregnant I hated you. Hated that you gave him a name. So I bailed."

"You're so full of shit. It wasn't that you didn't want to be married, you just didn't want to be married to me."

"Come on, Wendy, don't do this."

"Why not? She's been a factor in our relationship since day one. You were always measuring me against her, don't think I didn't know I always came up short."

"This isn't about Tara." And it wasn't. At least not the way she thought. For the first time in their relationship he was making a decision that had nothing to do with Tara. This was about him and Wendy. And Abel.

"Oh, please. Are you saying you coming over here and telling me we never should have been together has nothing to do with her. That you'd have made this exact same speech if she never showed up in Charming again. I'm sorry but I find that a little hard to believe."

"Believe whatever you want, but we have a kid now. And we have to do what's best for him."

"And what's best for him is for us to be a part."

"I think that's what's best for everyone. I'm sorry, Wendy. I'm sorry if you feel I let you down. And maybe I did. We have to think about the kid."

"Maybe what you should think about is the fact that Tara's Russian has gotten her use to a life beyond your means. You saw that house, those cars, just like I did. You can't give her any of that. You think Princess Tara is willing to slum it with you."

Jax felt his jaw clench. There was no way he could forget the way Tara had lived when she was with the Russian. The house they lived in had been big enough to where his entire Charter had been able to stay comfortably. "I think it's time for you to concentrate on something else. Has anyone taken you to see him?"

All the anger and fight seemed to deflate right out of Wendy. "No."

"Come on. I'll take you."


	4. Patch Over pt1

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**AN: This chapter takes place during Patch Over. It turned out to be eleven pages so I split it. I've tried to do better with the breaks, I'm sorry it was so confusing for everyone. Hopefully it's easier to read now.**

**Chapter 4**

Nikolai had decided to have one his mornings. There were times when Tara could get him up, bathed, and dressed with no problems what-so-ever. And then there were mornings when he insisted on running through the house like a wild man. She figured if she could track his moods she could be better prepared for his wild mornings. But that would be entirely too easy. Nikolai seemed to thrive in the random.

It probably would have been better for her to pack the night before. Or to wake up a little earlier and get it done before Nikolai was up for the day. But she hadn't. So now clothes were in piles on the beds, she was still in her bath robe, and Nikolai was literally running naked and wet through the house. And though she new better than to chase him, she did it anyway, and ran into four different pieces of furniture before deciding to just stay in one place.

"Nicky, come on. At least get your pull-up on."

"No." He streaked by her, laughing in a way she could only describe as maniacally. "My booty!"

Tara knew she shouldn't, but she couldn't help but to laugh. "It's time to cover your booty. Come on." When he shot pass her again she snatched him up. He continued to laugh and struggle, but she was eventually able to get the pull-up on him. And she should have known his complete lack of tears could only mean trouble.

"Mommy, I peepee."

"Of course." Pushing to her feet, Tara held out her hand to take him to the bathroom. But Nikolai turned and shot towards the bathroom screaming the entire way.

"I peepee, Mommy! I peepee!"

Two hours later and their bags were packed, Nikolai was dressed, and Tara was exhausted. Which was why she decided to curl up with her son for a nap. At least a nap had been the plan.

"Tara!"

If she hadn't known any better she would have thought Kozik had actually kicked her door in. But she knew him, knew he always entered a room like he was being blown in by a storm. He was an absolute mess, but he was her best friend and despite being a pain in the ass at times, she wouldn't trade him for the world.

"Where you at, Princess!"

Tara considered keeping her eyes closed and feigning sleep. But she's known Kozik since she was eleven years old, so knew he wouldn't even care if she was asleep. Glancing over at her baby, Nikolai barely shifted. The boy could literally sleep through anything.

"In the back." Climbing out of the bed, Tara grabbed the pair of jeans she left unpacked. She just barely stepped into them when Kozik all but flung himself into the room. "Kozik!" She quickly yanked her jeans up and snapped her robe closed.

"What? He continued into the room. "I've seen tits before. Shit, I've seen your tits before."

Snatching a pillow off the bed, Tara chucked it at him, giving a satisfied grin when it connected with his head. But realizing he was right, let the robe simply drop to the floor. "You're such an ass."

"So you always tell me. You had quite the potty mouth for a kid."

Kozik had been sixteen years old when Lenny took him in. He never told anyone where he came from, whenever someone asked all he would say was that he wasn't ever going back. But even at eleven Tara knew where ever he came from had been bad and the parts he filled in for her over the years confirmed that. He'd been angry at the world and Tara had been scared to death of him. But somehow, in the two years before her dad took him to Charming, they formed a bond.

Kozik dropped onto the bed. Leaning back he gave Nikolai's foot a tug before looking up at Tara as she adjusted the straps on her bra. His eyes traced over her back, lingering on the two tattoos. The Aries heart design that was inked high on her back, so that it was just barely hidden by a shirt collar, was for Nikolai and he could remember how diligent she'd been in picking out the design and location. A stark difference to when she got the crow on her lower back.

He remembers her when she was seventeen. All thick dark hair, mossy green eyes, and quick smile. He remembered Jax, somehow even more cocky, strutting around town believing his own hype. Grinning like he truly was the fucking prince of Charming. And really Kozik could give a shit about that, he didn't do pressure, especially the kind of pressure that came along with being John Teller's kid

He remembered the day Tara came back to the garage, remembered the large grin on her face. Remembered the completely self-satisfied smirk Jax wore on his face as he walked next to her. His arm had been thrown around her shoulders and in that moment anyone would have thought he was king of the fucking universe. Tara had wanted to lift her top and show him, but Jax told her she didn't want to risk infection. Kozik called bullshit and figured Jax just didn't want anyone to see any part of her. Tara hadn't caught that, hadn't stopped smiling as she told him and everyone else that she'd gotten a crow.

He could remember the way Jax's arm tightened around her shoulders as he told everyone "She's my Old Lady" and how Tara just fucking beamed at the kid. Smiling at Jax in a way she hadn't smiled at anyone else. Kozik remembered being twenty-two, a patched member of SAMCRO, and jealous of a fucking kid.

"Could that crow get any fucking bigger?"

"Shut up." Tara pulled her tank top down before turning to face him again.

"And do you have any shirts that fit. I can practically see through that thing."

She rolled her eyes, but to appease him snatched up a blue button down shirt to throw on over her tank. "I hope you have a good reason for annoying me."

"That's a nice way to talk to the guy who loaded your Jag onto a flatbed, drove it all the way to Tacoma before turning around driving to Stockton to-"

The grin broke out on her face. "You got my car."

"I got your car." Kozik confirmed, a pleased grin on his face. "Where's my love?" He held his arms out but Tara had already shot out of the room towards her car. His arms fell back to his sides. He didn't know if it was self-preservation or the routine they fell into over time, but though he loved her probably more than anyone else in his life, he had not been in love with Tara for a long time. And it was better that way. Since that part of her heart had, and likely will always, belong to one guy.

* * *

><p>"Oh, shit." There was a grin and just a hint of appreciation in Jax's eyes as he ran his hands over the car. "Tell me this is not the same Cutlass."<p>

"One in the same." Tara pulled Nikolai out of his car seat, she set him on his feet but held tightly to his hand. The garage was busy today and her boy did not do well around busy. "Can you believe my dad kept it in storage for me all these years?"

Yeah, he could. Tara had loved this car and Lenny loved Tara. Jax didn't think he would ever forget the day she first saw the car. She was just barely out of drivers training, still shy of her sixteenth birthday and her license. They had been hanging out at the garage when Tig and Kozik came back with the repos, with the Cutlass. Tara had looked at that car the way most girls their age looked at a pair shoes. It had been hers by her sixteenth birthday.

"We had a lot of good times in this car." Jax glanced in the backseat, never would have imagined seeing the Cutlass with a child's car seat strapped in it. "I hope you got it detailed before you let Niko crawl around back there." He smiled down at the little boy who was struggling against Tara's hold. "You nearly had a big brother conceived back there."

"I come over here to invite you to breakfast and you fill my son's head with things like that."

"You can't keep your hands off me, darlin'. He's gonna learn that sometime."

"I doubt that. So what do you say to breakfast?"

"Sorry, babe, can't. I'm just heading out for a couple days." He saw the flash of disappointment in her eyes before she could cover and he couldn't deny being happy to see it. He liked that she wanted to spend time with him, that she'd miss him when he was gone. "Going to Vegas to see Uncle Jury."

"Oh." Jax in Vegas, Tara thought bitterly. She had no doubts what so ever of exactly what he'd be getting into there. Better yet, who. "Did you let the hospital know?" She caught his look of confusion. "Just in case something comes up with the baby."

"I thought you said the kid was out of the woods."

"He is," She was quick to assure him. "But procedural stuff might come up."

"They have your number, right? They can call you."

"That's the thing." She watched Happy pull in, Nikolai began to tug even harder on her hand so she picked him up. "We're heading out today."

When Nikolai continued to struggle, Jax absently took the little boy from her arms to hold him upside down, sending him into a giggle fit. "What do you mean heading out?"

"I need to get back to Tacoma."

"Why?"

"Because I have a job, a life there." She reached out to touch him, but Jax jerked back. He didn't even try to mask his anger and disappointment. "Jax, come on." He started to walk away. "Where are you going? You have my son. Jax."

"I'm taking him to say goodbye to the guys."

Why did he always have to fucking be like this? He could always make her feel guilty as shit for having a life outside of him. With a roll of her eyes, Tara dropped back against her car.

"Hey," Kozik called as he and Happy approached her. "We need to talk to you."

Knowing them, Tara knew the looks on their faces could not mean anything good. "What's going on?" She gave an absent wave to Gemma who was just pulling in.

"Come on," Happy took her by the elbow and lead her back towards the clubhouse, away from everybody else.

"You're scaring me. Is it may dad? Did something happen?"

"No, nothing like that." Kozik was quick to assure her. "Linc called."

Linc being a patched member of the Tacoma charter. "Okay."

"Kohn showed up at the clubhouse." And Kozik hated having to watch as all the blood drained right out of her face. "He was looking for you, told the guys it had to do with follow-up questions regarding your old man's case. They reminded him about the R.O, but he gave some bullshit excuse about his federal mandate superseding a state RO. The guys started asking around, seeing where else he popped up looking for you."

Tara thought she was going to be sick. Her heart was pounding so hard she was amazed no one else heard it. Her stomach churned, her palms started to sweat. How could he be back? How could he still be coming after her? "And?"

"Tara," Kozik placed both hands on her shoulders. "He was at the hospital and Nik's daycare."

For a moment it felt like her legs would give out on her. Her baby, he went after her baby. If Nikolai had been there, if she'd gone back when she originally planed…she'd have killed Joshua, she would have killed him with her bare hands if he'd gone near Nikolai.

"Let me do it, Tara." It was almost as if Happy had read her mind. "You should have let me take care of it a long time ago."

"After what happened to my dad. To Alexei." Tara shook her head. "I can't let you take that risk."

"Tara we have to keep you safe."

"How?" She sure as shit didn't feel safe in Tacoma any more. And she wasn't going to hide in one of the other charters She wished her dad wasn't locked up. It might have been pathetic but she wanted to curl up against her dad's chest until Josh simply disappeared.

"We talked about it," Kozik caught her look, he already knew she wouldn't like them making a decision without consulting her. "We think you and Nik should stay here, under SAMCRO protection."

"Alexei is dead. My dad is in prison. I can't bring that kind of heat down on SAMCRO." On Jax. If Joshua found out about Jax, connected them in any type of way, it was only going to be trouble.

"Jax and the guys find out you were in trouble, this kind of trouble, and we didn't tell them, they'll fucking flip."

"You guys want me to stay, I'll stay." She'd rather be with Jax anyway. But she wanted to be with him under different circumstances. Now, she may be able to stay in Charming, but for his own safety it might be best if she stay away from Jax. It wouldn't happen, Tara knew that for her, staying away from Jax was nearly impossible. "But I don't want them involved. It's bad enough I got you guys mixed up in this."

"You can cut that shit out right now, little girl." Happy bit out gruffly. "Someone hurts you, rather you want me involved or not, I'm going to fucking gut them."

"Same." Kozik confirmed with a simple nod. Reaching out he gave her hair a tug, before delievering the second part of why the pulled her aside. "I'm going to head back to Tacoma."

She knew he'd have to, he was sergeant at arms, but still a part of her wished she could get him to stay.

"Hap's going to go Nomad. Kohn won't know what to make of Hap being on the move and me being in Tacoma. This is for the best."

That may be, but she felt as if she were losing them both. "I'm going to call Dylan. Joshua went to my place of work, he went to Nikolai's daycare. He violated the restraining order."

"Dylan wants to violate you." Happy pointed out.

"He's my dad's lawyer and Joshua is just proving my dad's case. We can use this."

"You just make sure he knows not to use something else." Happy warned before he stepped away from them.

Tara slid her hands into the back pockets of her jeans as she turned her attention to Kozik. "So, when do you leave?"

"Now. I gotta get back, princess." When Tara held out her hand, Kozik placed his palm against hers and with a smile pulled her close. "You're going to miss me."

"You're not going to know what to do without me."

"It might actually be possible for me to get a little pussy without worrying about you walking in."

"You know what Kozik, don't have a lot of women in my house. My son still has to live there."

With a grin, Kozik pulled her into his arms. "I'll make no promises."

* * *

><p>Jax may have walked away, but he never took his eyes off her. He watched Kozik and Happy pull her aside. Watched the color drain right out of her face. And had seen when the fight came back into her. He wanted to go over, see what was going on, but stayed where he was. Then he saw Kozik tug her close, wrap his arms around her, and press a kiss to the top of her head. He didn't even need his mother's voice in his ear to get him moving.<p>

"I wonder what that's about." Gemma's head was tilted to the side, studying Tara and Kozik as if they were a complex puzzle that needed solving.

"I don't know." He tossed Nikolai over his shoulder.

"Well," The movement of her shoulders may have been indifferent, but the look in Gemma's eyes was anything but. "As long as they've known each other, I guess it was only a matter of time before-" And there was a smile tugging at the corners of her lips when Jax marched across the lot.

"Hey," Jax kept one arm locked around Nikolai's waist as he reached out with the other to grab Tara's hand. "You okay?"

"Oh, so you're speaking to me now?"

Grinning but deciding not to say anything, Jax dropped Tara's hand only to throw an arm around her shoulder to lead her to her car and away from Kozik. "You know the little man doesn't want to leave. He likes it here." At the look she shot him, his face became the picture of innocence. "I'm just saying."

Tara looked at her son. He had one arm hooked around Jax's neck and looked to be trying to crawl across his shoulders. "When I came down, I never said it was permanent. I don't why everybody thought it was."

Because this is where you belong, Jax thought. "You were missed." Is what he said. He pulled Nikolai off his shoulders and set him on his feet. Tara immediately reached out and grabbed his hand. "I should get going." He started to back away, ran directly into his mother.

"Watch it." Gemma wrapped an arm around him, giving his back a pat that was somehow affectionate while holding just a hint of warning. "I want you to be careful. No getting into trouble out there."

"Yes, ma'am." With a charming grin he leaned in to kiss his mother's cheek. He started to step away again, but was no more successful than he was the first time. Taking a step towards Tara he placed one hand possessively on her hip. It took every thing he had not to allow his hand to slid upwards, cup her breast, and feel her nipple hardened against his thumb. Especially when he leaned in, lips hovering so closely to her mouth he could practically taste her. He knew it had been a bad idea even before his lips touched her skin.

He'd never been able to figure out just what she put on that had her smelling faintly of roses. Never knew how she applied it so lightly that he had to bury his face in her neck just to get the full affect. Didn't know what it was about her body chemistry that took a smell he normally found cloying, but on her made him think about long nights rolling naked together in bed. As he drew back, thumb brushing just lightly under her breast because he couldn't help himself, he wondered just how he was going to ride all the way to Vegas with a fucking hard-on.


	5. Patch Over pt2

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**Chapter 14**

It had been a handful of years since he sat in the dark outside his uncle Jury's bar. Thought he may have just barely been twenty-one. Tara, he thought, may have been out of school on spring break. He knew Opie had just proposed to Donna. And the four of them had decided to celebrate with an impromptu trip to Vegas.

If asked, Jax wouldn't be able to say what hotel they stayed in. Didn't remember much about the room. His only memory of that weekend consisted of the bed. The first night they had all gotten wasted and hit the strip. They lost money, won money, Tara and Donna pulled him and Opie away from a few fights. It may have been one of the best nights he ever had.

They had stumbled back to their rooms and Jax hadn't been able to get Tara's clothes off fast enough. The mix of bud and booze made him clumsy. The smell of her rose scented skin and the feel of her wet silken panties made him desperate. Once he was inside her, he hadn't been able to make himself draw away for three days. Three days they spent, moving from the bed to the shower and any available surface in between. Sleeping only when exhaustion knocked them cold.

On the way home, they stopped in to see Jury. But he still hadn't been ready to share her just yet. He always felt that when Tara was home from school that time was his and his alone. And he thought she felt the same way as she never complained. They had left the bar to sit almost in this exact spot. Neither of them said anything, but then there were times they didn't need to. She understood him, just as he understood her, in a way no one else could.

He wished she'd been the one on the back of his bike instead of…fuck, he couldn't even remember the chick's name. Not that it mattered, a 'darlin' or a 'sweetheart' always got him what he wanted. Except with Tara. But then, pussy wasn't what he wanted when it came to Tara. Well, at least not just. With her he wanted everything. And he needed her to quiet the noise that seemed to always be in his head lately.

Jax knew that Bobby had a point. He was second guessing Clay and it wasn't good for the club. But, shit, wasn't it time somebody started to. The decisions he was making, for far too long weren't about the club or the brotherhood, it was about cash. And what was the point of making all of these fucked up decisions if the cash stalled any way. Jury, The Tribe, they weren't outlaw. And they had no business forcing them to be. It would only lead to trouble, to dead brothers, and Jax had thought the point of this was to stay whole.

Glancing up at the bar, at a whole lot of shit he didn't want or know how to deal with at the moment, Jax pulled out his cell.

"Hello?"

"It's awfully quiet. The hell raiser must be sleep."

On the other end of the line, Tara's lips curled into a smile. "Not here, actually. He's staying the night with Donna."

"Donna?" His heart began to race, hope springing in his chest. "You still in Charming?"

"Yeah. Something came up, decided to stay awhile."

That his palms actually began to sweat and his lips curved into a smile without him being aware was troubling. "How long is awhile?"

For a long time Tara said nothing, she didn't want to get into this with him because she felt that if she said one thing she'd end up telling him everything. "I put in for a transfer to St. Thomas."

Jax didn't know the circumstances, knew there was something she wasn't telling him, but at the moment he was so fucking glad she was staying in Charming he wanted to hop on his bike and rush right back to her. "Is this…" Am I, he added silently. "What you want?"

"Yes." There was a long pause. "What's wrong, Jax?"

Now that he knew she was still in Charming, that she hadn't left him, Jax didn't want to focus on what was wrong. But he found himself telling her all of it anyway. That was the thing with Tara, once he started talking to her, he couldn't stop. "So, now Clay's on his way here. He's wants to patch over The Tribe."

"The Tribe?" Her voice dropped to an incredulous whisper. "Outlaw? He can't be serious. Has Jury even fired a gun since 'Nam?"

"Shit, I don't know." Jax pulled out a cigarette. "It just doesn't feel right to me. It's not what these guys are. It'll be like lambs to the fucking slaughter."

"Did you say something?"

"Yeah, but the guys are starting to look at me like my kid is twisting me up. Like I'm going soft or some shit."

"Abel's going to twist you up, Jax. He should. SAMCRO….it's not what it was when we were kids."

No and it hadn't been for a long time. Maybe somewhere, in the back of his mind, he'd always known that. But, in the past few years or so, he'd been so detached he didn't really care. Then he found his dad's manuscript, Abel was born, and Tara came back to him all in the same day. That couldn't be a coincidence.

"This is Abel's legacy every bit as much as it is yours. You have a right to decide the course the club is going to take."

"What am I suppose to do, Tara? The guys are already starting to look at me sideways."

"I know, baby, and I'm sorry. But thinking about your son and the life you want for him, there's nothing wrong with that. And there's nothing wrong with trying to….not change the club…but move it pass where it is now."

"I'm starting to get the feeling Lenny must have been relieved when you were born a girl."

"He might have been. Then I grew breasts that you couldn't keep your hands off of and he was back to wishing I were a boy."

Jax had to laugh, though he hadn't found it funny at all the day Lenny walked in on him and Tara. They'd been fifteen and had snuck off to one of the backrooms at the clubhouse. It had been a week before his old man's accident and Jax had thought his life was as perfect as it was going to get. His and Tara's relationship had started to take that turn where everything they did somehow ended with them being all over each other.

Lenny had come to take her home and Jax hadn't been happy about that at all. The clubhouse was packed and he just wanted a little time alone with her. But one thing had lead to another and she didn't stop him when his hand found it's way beneath her shirt. And when his hand cupped her breast, instead of pushing him away she arched into him. It had been that moment Lenny decided to collect his daughter. "I thought your dad was going to cut my fucking dick off."

"So did I. Glad he didn't."

Jax grinned. "Makes two of us. Tara-" But whatever he was going to say was cut off by the male voice on her end.

"Tara our table's ready."

"One sec. Jax? Jax, you still there."

Whatever happiness he was feeling was gone in a flash. "Who the fuck was that?"

"Jason Dylan, he-"

"Are you out on a fucking date?" Is that why Nikolai was staying the night at Donna's? "Is his dick what suddenly came up. The reason you're staying in Charming?"

"What? Jax, no. It's not like that. He's-"

Dead if he lays so much as a fucking finger on her. He was immediately on his feet, trying to walk off the anger that was suddenly coursing through him. "Not my business." Only, as far as he was concerned, everything Tara did was his business. "You know what, I gotta go. Later, Doc." And despite hearing her calling out his name, Jax snapped the phone closed.

* * *

><p>He long since stopped kissing her. He wasn't drunk enough to ignore how wrong her taste was. Or the fact that her lips weren't quite full enough. She trailed her mouth over him and even that wasn't right. The kisses were sloppy, her mouth alternately too wet and not wet enough. She smelled of the bar, smoke and stale beer. No matter how long Tara stayed in the clubhouse, she never reeked of the place. This one didn't fill his hands, not the way Tara did.<p>

He gave a sigh of relief when her mouth closed over him. His hands fisted in her hair, but the grip was off. Her hair wasn't thick enough, soft enough. But he kept them there because she needed a bit of guidance and he didn't mind that. When she crawled up his body, he moved quickly to flip her over onto her knees. He didn't need to see her face for this part.

He gripped her hips when he drove himself inside of her and with his eyes closed it was a little easier to get over how thin she was. With his eyes closed it was easier to see another woman laid out before him. Dark hair spread out against the bed, deep green eyes slanted up at him, and full red lips parted on her breathy moans. He grew harder, his thrusts more desperate, and when he came he had to bite his lip to keep from calling out another name.

* * *

><p>"Jax! Shit."<p>

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah." Tara sighed as she followed him to their table. If Jax Teller wasn't the most bull brained and spoiled man she ever met, she didn't know who was. "It's fine. Thanks for meeting with me, Jason."

"No, problem." He held her chair out before walking around to his. He leaned back in his chair, undoing the buttons of his suit jacket. "I'm glad you called. I was afraid you'd get in and out of California without me seeing you." He gave her a sincere smile.

Jason Dylan. Probably one of the most attractive men she ever knew. His eyes were grey, pure grey. She'd never seen eyes like his before. And his hair, a lovely shade of auburn, was neatly cut in what Kozik always called 'the lawyer boy'. The funny thing was when she first met him, during her freshman year at UC San Diego, he was a botany major. And during their last two years, he sported the most obnoxious dreads. Now he was a slick, big shot attorney. She never would have been able to call that one. "Nearly did."

When the waitress approached the table his smile became slicker. "I'll have whatever's on tap."

"I'll have the same."

"Nothing to eat?"

They both shook their head and waited for her to walk away. "So, what's up?"

"Joshua Kohn."

Immediately, Jason's relaxed posture was gone. "Did he contact you?"

"He called a few days ago. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to worry my dad. But he showed up at the bar _and _the clubhouse. When the guys told him to leave he told them the RO didn't mean anything."

"I'll check and see if ATF had reason to be in Tacoma. But considering the case pending against Lenny and Kohn's history with you, I doubt they sent him. I might be able to use it, but he could just say he had no way of knowing rather you'd be there or not."

Tara had hoped Joshua being at the clubhouse would be enough. She knew whatever she told Jason, he'd go back and discuss it with her dad. And she was really hoping it wouldn't get back to him just how close Joshua had come to her and Nikolai. "He showed up at the hospital, Jason. And when he couldn't get someone there to tell him where I was, he went to Nikolai's daycare."

Jason's hand reached out to cover hers. "Now _that_ is a direct violation of the RO. Proving his obsession with you and making him an unreliable witness." He paused as the waitress set their drinks on the table, waited for her to walk away. "The thing is Tara your dad still copped to the weapon charges, he won't walk."

"Right now that's better than triple homicide. I really appreciate everything you're doing,"

"Anything for you. How's Nikolai?"

"Perfect."

"She says with all the objectivity of a mother."

There was a smile on her lips as she lifted her glass. "Maybe I'm not the most objective person but I stand behind my statement. What about you? How's Marcus?"

"Good, he's good. We were actually thinking about, maybe, adopting."

"Jason that's great. You and Marcus will be great parents."

"We're in the early stages, you know just talking. And speaking of Marcus, Happy called me. Told me to keep this meeting to business."

"Yeah, he and Kozik are convinced you're trying to get in my pants." She made an absent motion with her hands. "Somehow I always forget to mention that you're gay."

"Obviously. You do know that picking with your brothers this way is going to get my ass seriously kicked."

Tara waved him off. "I wouldn't let it get that far."

They both stayed for a second beer catching up on things that happened since the last time they saw each other. Talking about old classmates they've run into since graduation.

"I should get going." Tara stood up. She imagined she had maybe another hour or so before Donna called demanding she come pick up Nikolai. "Give Marcus my best."

"Sure thing." When she reached for her purse, he waved her hand away. "I got this. Don't forget, I want you to go to the local PD, inquire about the RO. I want it on record that you still feel threatened."

"Okay." They walked out together. Tara glanced over her shoulder to wave at Jason one last time and because she wasn't watching where she was going ran right into David Hale. "David, hi. I'm sorry I didn't see you."

"No problem." He gave her his wide, boyish grin. "Tara Janowitz, I heard you were back in town. It's been a long time."

"Yeah it has." She took in his uniform. If Jax had been meant to run SAMCRO, David Hale was meant to keep the streets of Charming safe. "It's good to see you."

"You too. So, you heading home?"

"Yeah. But I was actually hoping to talk to you. Maybe I can come into the station tomorrow. If there is a time you're not too busy?"

"I can talk now. Is there something wrong?"

"If you have plans, I can wait until tomorrow."

"No," He was quick to dismiss. "I was just going to meet my dad and Jacob for drinks, I didn't really want to come any way. Do you have your car? I can give you a ride home and we can talk."

Tara didn't really know what to make of his eagerness. Donna always insisted David had a crush on her. But initially, Donna had misinterpreted Opie's puppy dog looks their way as a crush on Tara. She stopped listening to Donna's guy advice then. "Okay, thanks."

He placed his hand on her lower back, leading her the short ways towards his jeep. "I saw Jax and your boy at the carnival. They seemed to get along well."

"Yeah," Tara smiled thinking about the photo booth pictures given to her by Gemma. She wished she'd been there to see them, as they looked positively adorable together. She could still remember the day Jax confronted her about the pregnancy. He'd been absolutely livid when he showed up at her door. He looked so devastated, he looked like she felt when she found out he married Wendy. The fight that ensued had been one of their worse. Shooting right pass the one they had at Opie and Donna's wedding. To see Jax and Nikolai together now, both smiling and happy, it meant so much. Especially when there was a time she'd been afraid they would never get there.

"You know I had been meaning to come by and see you. But things just got crazy."

"It's okay. I've been back long enough to know just how busy you were."

He sent another grin her way before taking one hand off the wheel to turn up the volume on the radio. "This okay."

"What?" The first strands of the song slammed into her. "Yeah, it's fine." This was their song, hers and Jax's. Not that he'd ever admit it. Songs and anniversaries and all those couple type things, that hadn't been him. But The Sundays had been a major part of Tara's teenage life. _Blind_ had been on constant loop in her car.

It had been late August when Jax followed her out to Oswald's woods. The tightening in her lower belly started almost immediately. It always excited her to see him on his bike. But watching him in her review mirror had that excitement doubling. He looked so…happy. The sadness that had lingered in his eyes after his father died was slowly receding. He smiled easier, quicker, and they were falling in love.

She knew, when she asked him to follow her, exactly what was going to happen. She had actually made the decision days before hand. The smug grin he gave her before he climbed onto his bike told her he knew as well. It had been cramped and awkward and hot in the backseat of the Cutlass. And The Sundays' cover of Wild Horses had been playing on the radio the first time he entered her. From that moment on, as far as Tara was concerned, it had been their song.

As for Jax, despite not being one for songs or anniversaries or all those couple things, she'd watch him whenever they were together and this song played. There was no mistaking his grin, the song meant as much to him as it did to her.

"Tara."

The sharp voice and strong hand on her shoulder snapped Tara from her thoughts. Mind clearing she glanced around, noticing for the first time that they were in her driveway. "Oh, sorry. Guess I drifted off."

"It's alright. So you want to tell me what's going on?"

"You'll probably think I'm being dramatic, but I have a question. About a restraining order I have. I want to make sure it's still valid here, even though I got it in another state."

"Each state is different. Where'd you get the RO?"

"Illinois. And Washington."

"I'll look into it for you. What are the guys' names?"

"Guy. Just the one." He looked so concerned, so ready to jump right into this and help her Tara felt bad for dragging him into it. "And you know what, maybe you shouldn't-"

"Tara," He laid one large hand over hers, eyes full of understanding. "I'll look into it. You don't want to give me his name that's fine."

"Thanks, David." She started to get out of the car, wasn't at all surprised when he got out as well. If nothing else, David Hale was a gentleman. "You don't have to see me to my door.

"My grandmother will kill me if I didn't."

Tara laughed as they walked the short distance to her door. "It really is nice to see you again, David. And really thank you." She had meant to simply lean in and kiss him on the cheek. At least that's what she told herself. But she'd been thinking about Jax. And suddenly remembered that Jax was in Vegas fucking the first blonde who smiled at him. And before she knew it, her mouth was on David's.

His arms came around her quickly. And she could admit they were bigger than she imagined. He held too tightly. His hands didn't move to grip her ass or boobs, but stayed safely on her back. The desperation was all in his mouth, in his full lips that kissed too frantically. There were no teasing little nips and bites, no sexy little flick of the tongue.

When her hands left his shoulders, there was no hair for her to grip or tug or pull until he growled in warning. His cheeks were clean shaven and soft, but she didn't get a thrill when she imagined how they'd feel between her thighs. It was wrong. This was just so wrong.

"I'm sorry, David. I should go, it's getting late."

"Yeah," He shook his head as if to clear it. "Yeah, you're right. Maybe we can catch up over dinner sometime."

Yeah, she definitely messed this one up. "That'll be nice. Goodnight."

"Night."

She returned his smile as best she could and did her best not to appear as rushed as she was to get into the house.

* * *

><p>He saw her the moment he stepped off the elevator. The grin appearing on his face, despite his disappointment at her not being in her scrubs. He thought she was really fucking cute in those scrubs. Thought how much fun it would be to play doctor now, he wouldn't at all mind being the patient this time around. Coming up behind her, he gave her shoulder a tap, grin still in place when she turned to face him.<p>

"Hey."

There had to be a stupid grin on his face, but he didn't care. She was still here, she wasn't going any where. "Hey, you worked tonight."

"No. I start tomorrow. Actually just came by to see Abel."

"You been back there yet."

"Not yet. How was your trip?"

He held open his cut. "Uneventful." When she rolled her eyes, he threw his arm around her shoulders to lead her back. "Where's the little man?"

"Still with Donna. Apparently he and Kenny have become fast friends."

"It's good for the little man to have someone to rough around with."

"I'm just glad he hasn't ripped their house apart." Her phone buzzed. Pulling it out, Tara saw she had a new text message. "I'll be right in."

"Alright." Jax went immediately to Abel's incubator, eyes scanning his son for any changes since the last time he'd been there.

In the hall Tara opened her cell and the text. It was a media message, she didn't recognize the number but she received a lot of messages from co-workers whose numbers she didn't know. It took a moment for the image to load and when it did she knew exactly who sent it.

The picture, and it looked to be a picture of a picture, was of Jax and the blonde she'd known he likely picked up between Charming and Vegas. She knew, but still it hurt to see. But over that hurt was fear. A bone deep fear. Joshua knew about Jax. Which meant he knew about her life in Charming. If he came here…if Jax found out about him…

God, why couldn't this nightmare just be over.


	6. Giving Back

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**Chapter 5**

Joshua Kohn was not a man who fell in love easily. Truth was there had only ever been two women he'd spoke those three words to. The first had been Mary Ann Finley. They met in college and she had been everything Josh thought he wanted in a woman; kind, loving, smart. He told her he loved her and she swore she felt the same. They made plans to marry after college, she told him she wouldn't mind being a cop's wife. But things did not turn out the way Josh had planned.

As he began his career, working his way up the ladder, working to make her happy, things became strained between them. Josh could admit that he wasn't as supportive as he could have been, didn't spend as much time with her as he thought he should have. He knew where his faults were, and admitted to causing some of the cracks in their relationship. Mary Ann had not been willing to do the same. She left him, took up with some accountant, and made it all out to be his fault.

Josh could admit that he'd been hurt, but he realized his mistake. And swore to himself the next time he fell in love with a woman, he'd hold on to her. He'd be more careful, more attentive, more loving. It took a long time for him to meet that woman, but when he did what he felt for Mary Ann paled in comparison.

Tara Janowitz had been unlike any woman he ever met. And he'd known it the instant he set eyes on her. The crowd at the bar had been nothing unusual for a Friday night. She been with a few other women, but she hadn't been a part of them. He caught the way she set back from them, observing, the hint of a smile on her lips alerting him to the fact that she was amused by them. He sent her a drink and a smile. She sent both back with a cool gaze. Josh had fallen in love.

When he approached her, began making conversation with her, he realized immediately that she was more intelligent than any woman he'd ever met. And much more guarded. She didn't talk about herself, didn't give him much more than the basics. She was an intern at Chicago Presbyterian and yes she always wanted to be a doctor. He could see that she'd been hurt before and swore he'd never see her hurt again.

Unlike Mary Ann, Tara didn't demand his time and attention. But she didn't have to, Josh gave her all of himself before she even had to ask. He made it a point to learn her schedule so that when she came home from work he was there waiting with a hot meal. He knew her moods so that when she was having a particularly bad day she was greeted with a dozen pink roses. He even knew her cycles and made sure her cabinets were stocked with chocolate and Tylenol. He loved her so he took care of her.

There were things she didn't tell him about herself. She didn't talk about her family or where she grew up. Her apartment was devoid of mementos, there were no pictures, no old year books. Josh had understood that she had no family, no one who loved her, and knew she needed him to correct that. At least he thought she didn't have family.

He found out about her father by chance. She went two days without answering her phone. Naturally he became worried, he didn't need to check his calendar to know it wasn't her time of the month yet-Tara could be downright bitchy during her cycle-and he'd checked in with her co-workers and knew everything was going fine at the hospital. It was concern that had him using the key he made to let himself into her apartment.

He entered the apartment as quietly as he could, a dozen roses in hand, a bottle of wine in the crook of his arm, and overheard her on the phone.

"I'm fine, I promise. I just had a couple days off and decided to spend them cut off from the world."

Josh knew that was a lie. She'd been working the last couple days, both her schedule and her co-workers confirmed that.

"I know. I'm sorry, but I'm okay. You don't have to send the boys out here to get me. Really, dad, you don't. You worry too much. I will. See you then. Love you, too. Bye."

"I didn't know your father was still alive." Joshua said, causing Tara to let out a shrill scream and throw the phone at his head. He only laughed. "Tar-Tar, calm down it's just me."

Tara's hand had gone to cover her heart. "I…How'd you get in here?"

"You left the door open." He lied. "I've told you about that. There's a lot of crazy, dangerous people out there, any one of them could have walked in." She had mumbled something he didn't entirely catch, but his mind was elsewhere and it didn't really matter. "Now, when were you going to tell me about your father?"

"There's nothing to tell."

She tried to move around him. He realized she was trying to avoid talking to him. She was afraid. Obviously talking to her father upset her a great deal.

"I'd like to meet him."

"No." She bit the word out sharply. "That…that's just not a good idea."

Josh had continued to push but he quickly realized from her fear that her father was clearly a violent man. And was most likely violent with her. He tried to tell her that he would take care of her, that he wouldn't allow anyone to hurt her. But instead of opening up, she shut down on him. And she grew distant.

Her schedule at the hospital became erratic. The locks to her apartment changed every few days, she turned off her landline and her cell. It got to the point that the only way he could see her was if he waited out front of her apartment building. He tried explaining to her that if she was afraid of her father being upset about their relationship there was no need. That he wouldn't let anyone or anything come between them.

Then she went away for three days, just disappeared without so much as a note or phone call telling him where she'd gone. He'd been frantic, worried that something had happened to her. The only reason he let himself into her apartment was because of how worried he was. He'd been hoping to find something to let him know just where she'd gone off to. He hadn't even been in her apartment that long when she walked in.

He'd been so relieved, so overjoyed at having her back, that he rushed right over to take her in his arms. He could have been angry, had every right to be angry at her, but he wasn't. He forgave her for leaving, for worrying him. And what did she do? She demanded to know what he was doing there, how he got in. But even that hadn't snapped his temper.

His eyes narrowed as they studied her. All that dark hair of hers was windblown, her cheeks flushed a bright red, and her lips were pink and swollen. His gaze traveled lower and what the open collar of her shirt revealed did snap his temper. Grabbing her roughly by the arm, Josh shoved her back against the door. His other hand fisting the collar of her shirt and ripping it away. The curve of her neck was covered in love bites, he could still make out the fucking teeth marks. Her chest and the swell of her breasts were rubbed raw in certain spots and he knew they were made by a man's beard. He became like a man possessed, tearing at her clothes, punishing himself by seeking out further evidence of her betrayal.

By the time Josh had come back to himself, Tara was pulling her torn clothes together and scrambling from the apartment. He didn't know what she hit him with, only that it had his ears ringing. It took him a moment to pull himself together, but that moment cost him as the young woman across the hall had let Tara in and when Josh had knocked, tried to talk his way inside, she threatened to call the police on him. A few days later he was served with the restraining order.

He gave her distance, but sent flowers and notes letting her know how this wasn't entirely his fault. He explained just exactly how much she hurt him. When he thought enough time had passed, when he figured she should have gotten over her anger, he went to her apartment only to find out she moved. No one seemed to know where. He'd gone to the hospital but no one there would tell him anything either. But he overheard two of her co-workers talking about a party, celebrating the end of their internship. He'd gone hoping Tara would be there and she was. But he lost her in the crowd.

It took him months to track her down in Washington. And it was a good thing he found her when he did. She gotten mixed up with the Russian mob, something he knew came from her criminal father. He'd been devastated by her choices, by what she'd been made to do by a man who was suppose to care for her. So he did what any man in love would have done, but instead of being grateful she slapped him with another restraining order. Then she disappeared on him again. Only this time it didn't take him nearly as long to track her down.

* * *

><p>Walking around the front of his best friend's home, Jax tried not to think about the ice cold beer that waited for him back at the clubhouse. Or the half finished nursery back at his own house. He was grateful to Opie and Donna for letting him have all their kids' old stuff. Abel was getting stronger every day, at least that's what every one told him. Jax liked to think that when he went and read to him, his son recognized his voice. But still, no one would tell him exactly when Abel would be going home. So Jax left the nursery for his mother to deal with. It had been his mother's idea for him to go by Opie and Donna's. And his friends had been all to happy to help out. He'd take the stuff by the house, leave it there for Gemma.<p>

He just started to lift the playpen into the back of his truck when the Cutlass pulled into the drive behind him. "Hey," He grinned when Tara stepped out of the car.

Tara returned his grin with one of her own and tried her best not stare at him. She thought it was completely unnecessary, not to mention unfair, of him to be shirtless. As long as he didn't turn around she'd be fine, as long as she didn't have to see the sweat running over that tattoo she'd be fine. Or the muscles flexing in his back…she just needed to hurry up and get to work.

"Hi." She reached into the backseat, Nikolai had already unbuckled himself and Tara made a mental note to find another car seat. She didn't understand how her two year old always managed to learn how to unbuckle his own car seat when a few of the guys back in Tacoma still hadn't figured it out. Kozik had actually cut him out of one before.

Walking over to the car, Jax leaned against the door, head tilted to the side so he could better enjoy the sight of her bent over. Thought it was better for both of them that Nikolai was there or else he would have pushed her the rest of the way inside and stripped her naked right in Opie's driveway.

"Axe!" Nikolai shouted when he finally set eyes on Jax. His arms shot into the air. "Off, mommy. Off."

"No, you keep your shirt on." It had been a fight getting a shirt on him this morning and she didn't have time to go through that with him again. When he started to frown she gave him a smacking kiss on the lips that made him giggle. Pursing his lips, Nikolai returned the kiss in kind. "Thank you, Nicky."

"Here's trouble." Opie was making his way down the drive. He was carrying a few things he didn't necessarily think Jax needed, but wanted out of his shed. Donna was finding it difficult to part with a lot of the kids old stuff and he figured Gemma wouldn't have a problem tossing out the shit Jax didn't need. "Tara, your kid is bad as fuck."

"Hello to you to, Opie." With a grin she stretched up onto the tips of her toes to greet him with a kiss. Kissing Opie hello had been a standard greeting since she was fourteen and she realized it pissed Jax off. It been a part of their relationship for so long now, it hardly even registered to either of them. "And I'm very much aware of my son's…not so angelic behavior."

"He's bad as fuck." Opie repeated.

Donna gave her husband a playful punch on the arm. "He's a sweetheart."

"You're a liar." Tara grinned at one of her oldest friends. She was under no illusions about her son, he was a little wild man. The only thing she could figure was that Donna missed having a baby around or Nikolai became a completely different person in her presence. "Go say hi to your Aunt Donna"

When she turned back into the car, Jax scooped the kid up and because Tara wasn't looking slipped the shirt off him.

By the time Tara turned away from the car both Jax and Nikolai were grinning proudly at her. She didn't know which was more proud of himself. "Cute." Shaking her head, she turned her attention to Donna. "I'm gonna leave his seat and everything here. Gemma's gonna be by later to pick him up." She held out a plain white envelope. "Here's my schedule and everything for the week."

Donna took the envelope, looked inside. "Tara, you don't have to pay me upfront."

"I do. It's easier to have it taken care of. That way when he breaks something and I have to reimburse you, I don't have to add it all in. Trust me, it's the way I had to do it with his daycare."

Opie took the envelope from Donna so that he could take a look at the check and nearly choked. "Tara are you serious? This is too much."

"That's half of what I paid his daycare."

With a frown, Jax looked at the check Opie flashed. "You're shitting me. It's one kid."

"And it was a top of the line daycare facility."

"Top of the line, all they had to do was watch the little man. What the hell all goes into that?"

"They had a very good curriculum, all the caregivers were first aid and CPR certified, had degrees in early childhood development, the ratio of caregivers to children-" As she spoke she noticed the looks she was getting from the three people she known since she was a child. "It was highly recommended."

There was a knowing grin on Opie's lips. "How long did it take you to settle on it?"

Tara didn't answer. There was no way she was going to confirm their suspicions that she stressed for weeks over which daycare to place Nikolai. It wasn't that she was ashamed, it was the safety of her child. She wasn't just going to entrust her baby to any group of assholes. So she researched, she interviewed, she questioned co-workers until she found one that met her standards.

No, she wasn't ashamed. But she wasn't going to prove them right either. "Not long at all, actually." She lied, making sure not to look any of them in the eye as she lifted her son out of Jax's arms. "He's wearing his big boy underpants."

"Spongebob, mommy!" Nikolai corrected. "Spongebob."

"Yeah, his Spongebob underpants." Tara caught his hand before he could pull his shorts down and show everyone. "There's a couple extra set of clothes in his bag in case of an accident, but it really shouldn't be a problem until his nap in which case there are pull-ups. He's doing really well with the potty training, though. Actually, he can't stand the thought of being wet, he'll tell you when he even thinks he's wet. He's kind of-"

"Neurotic." Opie supplied.

"Like his mom." Jax offered.

"Particular." Tara decided, just barely resisting the urge to reach out and hit one or both of them. "Alright, Nicky, Mommy has to go. Be good for your Aunt Donna." Instead of responding Nikolai placed his hands on her cheeks and gave her a wet kiss on the lips, followed by several more. With a laugh Tara pulled him into a hug.

Everyone had been so proud of her for getting into college, for becoming a doctor. Her father was proud of the fact that she sought a life outside of the club, a life where she could stand on her own two feet. But as far as Tara was concerned she was holding the greatest thing she'd ever done in her arms. She hadn't deserved him. She ran back to Tacoma because she'd gotten in way over her head with Kohn. Had underestimated just how far he was willing to go. She went back to Alexei because it was easy, simple. Had gotten pregnant because she'd been careless.

No, she hadn't done anything to deserve her baby. But she was doing her best to be everything he deserved.

"Gemma should be here before you guys head out."

"No problem." Donna waved away her concern as she lifted Nikolai onto her hip. "We'll be okay."

"I know. Alright, I'm gone."

"We're gonna see you later, right." Jax nodded as he reached out to take Nikolai from Donna.

"Yeah, Gemma didn't really give me a choice." Tara rolled her eyes before looking to Opie. "Later, babe."

Opie gave her nod. "Alright, darlin."

Jax's gaze narrowed on his best friend, a look that caused a knowing Donna to smirk. He waited until Tara pulled out of the drive before he spoke. "I really wish you all would cut that shit out."

Donna shook her head. "The only reason they do it, is because you hate so much. Seriously, Jax, take the fun out of it and they'll stop."

* * *

><p>It may have been ridiculous and he probably wouldn't admit it out loud, but Jax was sure Abel knew his voice. Believed that he heard every word he said. He never knew it was possible to feel this way. So proud and so full of love it felt like it would simply erupt out of him. Didn't know he was capable of bringing something so pure and innocent into the world. And strong. Every breathe he took, every night he made it through was just further proof that Abel was one strong kid. Stronger than Jax thought he'd ever be.<p>

More and more he found himself wondering just what his kid would look like. Tara had told him, due to Abel being a preemie, it would be a while before he'd see himself or Wendy in their son. But still he couldn't help but study Abel's face, trying to find some glimpse of himself. Opie's boy, Kenny, looked just like him. Nikolai was the spitting image of Tara. Jax wanted that. Wanted to be able to grin proudly-the way Opie and Tara did-when someone commented on how much their sons looked like them.

He hadn't been fair to them, Tara moreso than Opie. Their kids, it changed them both. Realized now that it was suppose to. But, and he would never say this to anyone, he'd been jealous. Jealous that it seemed they had found some meaning to their lives, found something more to live for. All he had was the club. It had been his own fault, the way he punished Tara for going to school.

Maybe if he'd been able to stay away from her, able to stop thinking about her, but he hadn't. Once he even showed up at her door in Chicago. It hadn't even been his fucking intention. Nothing had been making sense and he needed to clear his head. He hopped on his bike looking for a little peace and found himself on Tara's doorstep. Convinced her to take a little trip with him. And as always just being with her calmed him in a way nothing else could. That had been the last time they were together, the last time they were able to spend time together just the two of them.

After her kid had been born, she changed. Not for the worse, now sitting with his own son, Jax realized that she changed for the better. When she started making decisions based on her kid he didn't get it. Didn't understand why she felt she needed to be different, better. But seeing the way Nikolai looked at her and looking at his own son, he understood. He wanted Abel to smile at him that way, wanted to be able to look his son in the eye without feeling ashamed of who he was or what he did.

Thinking about Abel, how Abel would look, or how he wanted Abel to view him was the easy part. The danger came when he started thinking in terms of raising. If he wasn't ready to be a father, there was no way in hell Wendy was prepared to be a mother. There were days he didn't think she really wanted to be. All signs pointed to him being a single father. That was something he didn't know if he was at all prepared for. And the only thing that was worse were the times he allowed himself to imagine more for Abel, for himself. He imagined a family and he knew it was dangerous. Knew to think in terms of himself and Tara and their boys would be a problem. So he did his best not to. Sometimes he even succeeded.

As he continued to read to his son, between apologies for not being as good as his mother, he caught sight of a man lurking outside. Suspicious, with his life it was hard not to be, he set the book aside and stepped through the door.

Joshua allowed an indifferent smirk to play across his lips when Jax Teller stepped out of the room. Punk kid, he thought unable to believe the type of men Tara allowed herself to get involved with. This guy was dangerous, reckless, and it was clear he didn't care a thing for Tara. He was hoping she'd see that, hoping that picture would prove that Teller didn't love her. When she continued to hang around him, Josh wanted a closer look. Wanted to see what it was about Teller that had her compromising herself.

Standing eye to eye with Teller as he was now, he could say he didn't get it. "I've a boy myself. He was never this small, but I never got a chance to see him when he was born. Treasure these moments."

Jax nodded, not at all liking the vibe he was getting from this guy, he watched to make sure he left before going back to his son.

* * *

><p>"Tara's here." Luanne came up beside Gemma, gesturing across the field to where Tara was walking through the crowd. "You better catch her before she gets distracted."<p>

Gemma nodded, her gaze going from Tara to Jax and Nikolai. They were standing with Opie, Donna and their kids. Jax was tossing a madly giggling Nikolai into the air. In a few months that would be him and Abel. Tara assured her that if the baby continued to progress he would be home before they knew it. In her mind's eye, Gemma could see them as they would be. Jax, Tara, Abel and Nikolai; John Teller's son and grandson with Lenny Janowitz's daughter and grandson. They'd command respect. And when they had their first son together- there was no doubt in Gemma's mind Jax and Tara would give her another grandson-it would seal their legacy. Her legacy. All she had to do was make sure they got their shit together.

Years ago she nearly had them. Had talked Jax into using Wendy to get Tara to move back to Charming. But she'd forgotten that Lenny's hold over Tara was just as, if not stronger, than the one she had over Jax. And though Lenny never said anything, Gemma knew he had other ideas for his daughter than being Jax Teller's Old Lady. With Tara in Chicago and Jax a drunken whoring mess without her, things had spiraled out of Gemma's control.

She didn't really know what had changed for Lenny. When the kids had been younger and everyone had started to see what was going on between them, it hadn't really been a problem. Granted it had taken both JT and Lenny a little longer to see than everyone else. Both men figured people were just talking, making the obvious connection-John Teller's son/Lenny Janowitz's daughter.

Then the kids turned fifteen, Tara had already been in Charming for the summer, Lenny had come in to visit with her. There was a cook out at the clubhouse. John had wanted to keep Jax close, as he had a habit of showing off when the other charters rolled in. Lenny wanted to spend a little time with his daughter. But the two teenagers spent the entire day tucked away from everyone else. By the end of the summer Lenny caught them together.

Gemma knew Lenny didn't have anything against Jax. There was no doubt he could have gone the whole of his life without seeing Jax feeling up his little girl. But Tara loved and wanted Jax, so that's who Lenny wanted for her as well. It was just that he wanted more for her. So he convinced her to take a few classes at the community college, while Jax was at school. In the end that was all he needed to do. When Tara had gone as far as she could at the community college she made the decision to transfer to UC San Diego. By the time she decided to go to med school, Gemma had lost complete control of the situation.

Now Tara was finally back to stay. And anyone with eyes could see that she and Jax were still completely crazy about one another. Gemma just had to find the right way to push them together.

"Hey, Gemma." Wayne Unser approached the SAMCRO booth. "Your girl hasn't been back in town a month and she's got my deputy all twisted up."

Gemma frowned, she had no doubt of who he was talking about. David Hale had been like an eager puppy around Tara since they were teenagers. But Tara had always been about Jax, so nothing had ever come of it. "What are you talking about?"

"Tara. Della said she saw them out together about a week ago. Come to find out she asked Hale to look into something for her and he's practically tripping over himself to get it done. Won't even tell me what it is, wants to be a big hero. It gets him out of my ass for a bit, but one of us should be doing actual work."

With a smirk at Wayne, Gemma's eyes went back to Tara, who seemed distracted and just a little edgy. From the Sheriff's booth Hale gave her a wide grin and a wave, Tara waved back but moved in the opposite direction. The smile Hale wore dropped immediately, suddenly there was another man besides him gesturing in the direction Tara went. "Who's the new face?"

Unser didn't bother glancing back, but gave a displeased, long suffering sigh. "ATF pain in my ass."

"Huh," Gemma tapped Luanne. "Take over things here." She shortened the distance between herself and Jax and Tara quickly. And it seemed like it wasn't a moment too soon as it looked like they were beginning to argue.

"Come on, he was looking forward to it."

Tara pulled Nikolai out of Jax's arms and settled him on her hip. "He doesn't even know who the hell Elvis is. He'll get over it."

"Hey, kids." Gemma had planned to position herself at Tara's side to keep her from leaving but it seemed Ellie beat her to it. Her small arms locking around Tara's waist. "What's going on? You were suppose to be here twenty minutes ago."

"Yeah, sorry." It was a struggle for Tara to maintain her control. She received another call from Josh. He wanted to let her know just how much he missed her, missed talking to her. She understood that what he was really doing was letting her know he hadn't forgotten about her. "I, uh, got caught up. And I'm sorry but I won't be able to help out." Not in her current mood. And definitely not with both Jax and David floating around.

"Tara we were counting on you."

"I know, sorry. Is his stuff in your car? Do you have your keys with you?"

"Hey," With a concerned frown, Jax reached out to give Tara's shirt a tug. "What's going on? What the hell's wrong with you?"

Tara shook her head, but hid her expression in Nikolai's neck as she leaned in to kiss him. Forced herself to take ten calming breaths. "Nothing."

"Bullshit." Opie tossed out. "You're acting jumpy as hell."

"Am I?" When she looked up at them again, she seemed to have collected herself as she was now the picture of calm. "Bad day. I was originally scheduled to be off tomorrow and I was going to go see my dad but now that's no longer an option."

"Are you sure this isn't about avoiding Hale? Maybe trying to get out of a second date."

"What?" It came from both Jax and Tara.

Jax's face was a mix of confusion and anger. While Tara's was disbelief and guilt. Gemma knew her kids, there was nothing they could hide from her. And looking at Tara now, she knew without a doubt that something had definitely gone on between her and David Hale. "Didn't the two of you go out?"

Tara's brow creased in thought, brain working quickly to find a way out of this. She'd never been any good at lying to Gemma or at least lying for long. The woman had always been able to ferret the truth out of her. "No." Because technically they hadn't gone out.

"Huh," Gemma frowned as if in confusion. "Della Unser said she saw the two of you together about a week ago."

"Well…we were together but I wouldn't say we went out."

"What would you say?" Jax asked a little too casually. Remembering the man's voice he heard while he and Tara were on the phone. Had it been Hale? He thought he would have recognized his voice, but he'd been so fucking mad he hadn't really paid attention.

"He gave me a ride home." Which was the complete truth. A week ago when Della Unser would have seen her with David he was giving her a ride home. If Gemma had sad a few days ago, well it would have been a total lie. There were things Tara did, that she sometimes couldn't even say why she did it. Sleeping with David Hale was one of those things.

He was a friend, she considered him a good friend, and she knew how he felt about her. She didn't want to hurt him, didn't want to lose his friendship. But she knew that once she talked to him, explained that she didn't think it would be a good idea for them to continue a physical or pursue an emotional relationship, both would occur. "Look, I have to go. And I need Nicky's car seat."

"Car's open." Gemma slapped her son on the shoulder. She wouldn't say anything about Hale, it would only send Jax through the fucking roof. And Tara would respond by pulling away. "Go help her, Jackson." When it looked like Tara was about to argue with that Gemma hitched her eyebrow in warning and had both of them complying with her order.

"That was not about her dad." Opie spoke softly when Tara and Jax walked away. He looked down at his wife. "Something else is going on with her. She say anything to you?"

Wrapping her arms around Kenny's shoulders, Donna shook her head. "No. But you know how Tara is, you practically have drag information out of her."

"Well I don't like it."

Reaching out, Gemma ran a comforting hand down Opie's arm. "Don't worry, sweetie. We'll get it out of her eventually."


	7. AK51

**I disclaim. I own nothing**

**Chapter 6**

"Pop-pop!" Arms thrown up in the air, Nikolai's voice was practically a squeal when he spotted his grandfather. Tara laughed but held tight to her son, she knew if he could he'd have jumped out of her arms and shot across the room.

The smile she wore, however, quickly faded with one look at her dad. It was a look she recognized well, though it was rarely aimed her way: Lenny was pissed. She'd known that Jason had likely already spoken with him, but she was hoping her dad would have gotten over it by the time she came to visit again. Or at the very least seeing Nikolai would soothe things over. If he called her 'little girl' she was screwed.

"Hi, dad." Leaning forward Tara kissed his cheek and wrapped her arms tight around his neck. When she stepped back she held on to Nikolai as he hugged him as well. She had to hang on as Nikolai often found himself distracted by his grandfather's neck prosthetic and it was just better all around if Tara held him. "How are you?"

"Sit down, little girl." Lenny waited for her to settle into the bench across from him. It still gave him a bit of a jolt to see her with Nikolai, when there was a part of him that still saw her as that bright eyed little girl who always leapt into his arms whenever she saw him.

Looking at Tara now, he wished he loved her mother. If for no other reason than to give his little girl something more of the woman who gave birth to her. Wished he had more information to give other than 'she was first generation American' and that he _thought_ her family was from Cork. He didn't know how much Tara remembered about her mother, she rarely if ever talked about her.

Mira Knowles had not been a croweater or sweet butt or club hanger on. She'd simply been a girl who'd grown up with Gemma, who caught Lenny's eye. He wanted her and she wanted a taste of the life Gemma had run off to. Tara had not been planned and if Lenny was being honest she had not been wanted by either of them.

It was pure chance that had him in Charming when Mira went into labor. And because he was in town he stopped in to make sure Mira had everything she needed, only to find out that what she needed was a ride to the hospital. Lenny had felt inconvenienced, but he got her to the hospital. Someone had called Gemma, who was heavily pregnant herself, and when she showed up she brought the entire club with her. And Lenny felt stuck. Hours later his baby, his little princess, was placed in his arms. And he never felt anything like he felt in that moment.

Now here she was, still his baby, with a baby of her own.

He could remember when she told him she was pregnant. Even pissed, couldn't adequately describe his feelings. He never liked her relationship with Alexei. It's not to say he didn't like Alexei, because he did. He was a decent enough guy, their business relationship was easy and fair. And when Tara first started going out with him, Lenny hadn't objected, he didn't really have room to. But he didn't like that the entire basis of her relationship with Alexei was alternately because she couldn't have Jax or she was trying to piss Jax off. There was no denying he loved Tara, took care of her, and did his best to provide her with the best things. But as far as Lenny was concerned the only thing that mattered was Tara's happiness and her safety. Alexei could only guarantee one of those.

The thing was, being pregnant, having her son, grounded Tara in a way nothing else could. And Lenny was proud as fuck of her and the kid. The boy was a Janowitz through and through. "You know, you were a blonde when you were his age."

Tara ran a hand over Nikolai's hair. "Yeah, I know. So were you." It was a sticking point with her dad, he was almost obsessed with Nikolai's hair getting darker. "But Alexei was a blonde."

Lenny waved that off. "Doesn't matter what Alexei was."

"He should have something of his dad's, since he doesn't have his name." She shot her father a look, knowing Nikolai's last name being Janowitz was all his doing.

"Don't get mouthy, little girl. Now when you weren't going to tell me about that fucker turning up again."

"I didn't want to worry you."

"I've been worried about you since the day you were born and I'm going to worry about you until the day they put me in the ground." Reaching out Lenny took her hand. "Did you tell Clay and Jax what's going on?"

Tara shook her head frantically. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because what?"

"Because I'm ashamed, okay." Tara bit off harshly. "I'm ashamed that I was stupid enough to get involved with this guy and not realize how crazy he was. And I can't let him anywhere near Jax. He set you and Alexei up. Now you're here and Alexei's dead." And Josh got a fucking accommodation for it. Even after she went to his superiors, embarrassed herself by putting her relationship with both Alexei and Joshua out there. But they hadn't cared, deemed that Josh had been acting in the line of duty and not on his obsession with her. Actually went so far as to suggest the restraining order, both of them, was an over reaction on her part. "If Jax finds out-"

"He'd hunt that son of a bitch down and rip his heart out." Lenny finished.

And that was exactly why Tara wanted Jax to stay out of it. Attempting to hunt Josh down and rip his heart out was exactly how her father landed himself behind bars. So she'd avoid repeating that with Jax.

"Where are you with him? If you two are starting up again, you're going to have to tell him the truth."

"We're not starting up again." Tara mumbled, trying not to let her disappointment show.

"The two of you in the same town, you're starting up again." Lenny decided and this he didn't have much of a problem with. He always liked Jax, granted every time he saw the little bastards with his hands on Tara he wanted to rip them off, but still he was a good kid. And even though Lenny would prefer his daughter not to be involved in the club, he was okay with her being with Jax. Because Jax was what _she_ wanted. The kid made her happy and that's all Lenny wanted for her. When he pushed her to go to college, he was simply pushing her to build something more for herself. He didn't want for her entire life to be about Jax, about the club.

One of his biggest regrets was involving Tara in the club as much as he did. At the time he felt he was protecting her. Thought that the only way for her to survive was to know everything. It was advice he got from John Teller, but looking back Lenny realized he kept her from living a normal life. He locked her into the club, into the life, and he hated it. So he encouraged her to seek more out of life before she settled into being an Old Lady. "I want you to tell Clay, Jax, and the rest of the guys what's going on."

"Dad, I don't think-"

"Tell them." Lenny interrupted. Knowing his daughter, he knew what to say to get her to do as he asked. "Anything happens to you, SAMCRO, Tacoma, they're going to go fucking crazy. And we'll all end up in here. That what you want?"

"No."

Lenny nodded. "Then you tell them. Am I clear."

"Crystal." Tara sighed, she could list a hundred reasons why this was a bad idea. Wanted to tell her dad that even though the boys loved her, they wouldn't risk their freedom for her. But he was determined. And she was afraid that if she didn't tell Jax soon, her father would find a way to, and that would only cause more problems than she needed at the moment.

* * *

><p>Tara was running late, really late, and she hated it. After coming back from visiting her father, she'd been met at her door by a highly pissed off Happy. And had to endure yet another lecture from another man she loved. It may have been a little easier to take if Happy yelled, ranted, and swore at her. Like Kozik always did, which made laughing his lectures off a lot easier. But Happy was calm, rational, and thoroughly disappointed in her. More importantly he'd been scared shitless when he came to see her only to find her gone. Which in turn made her feel like shit.<p>

Jax had called and she ignored it. She promised her dad that the next time she saw Jax she'd tell him the truth about Josh. She wasn't ready to tell Jax the truth about Josh. So her restless night, lead to her late start in the morning. Nikolai, thank God, was on his best behavior. Tara realized she'd have to pay for that later, but at the moment she was thankful to be spared chasing him around the house.

By the time she pulled up at the Winston home, Opie was just climbing onto his bike. "Hey."

"Long night?"

"Something like that." Tara had Nikolai out of the car seat and on her hip in record time, his bag thrown over her shoulder. Stopping by Opie's bike her lips just barely brushed his cheek in greeting.

"Kiss and run." Opie strapped on his helmet. "I feel so cheap."

Tara rolled her eyes but continued on her way, stepping into the house without bothering to knock. "Hey, Donna."

"No small talk. You're late, just go." Donna waved her away.

With a smile of appreciation, Tara set Nikolai on his feet before cupping his face in her hands. "I love you. Be good." She kissed him. When Kenny and Ellie came out to say hi, she greeted them both with a hug and kiss. "I haven't forgot about the ice cream. If your mom says it's okay, I'll take you after work."

"We'll see." Donna picked Nikolai up. "Now go." When Tara started back out the door, she laughed. "The bag, Tara."

"Shit. Right." Setting the bag down, she gave everyone one last wave before shooting out the door.

She made it to the hospital in record time. Two hours into her shift and her bad morning was a distant memory. She didn't have any surgeries scheduled for the day. But there was a consult midday that had gone smoothly enough. The patient was a fifteen month old with parents who were clearly out of their depth. They were young, late teens/early twenties and she had to guide them into asking all the right questions.

More than half-way through her shift, after spending her lunch break with Abel, Tara was in the lounge doing some reading for her upcoming surgery. And admittedly she was more than a little bored. There were days when she appreciated the slower pace of the small community hospital, appreciated the feeling of home she felt in the narrow halls. But she couldn't deny she missed the hectic pace of Seattle's Children's and Chicago Presbyterian. Missed the feeling of being a part of something larger.

The ringing of her cell brought Tara out of thoughts that were really just leading her nowhere. Pulling the phone out of her pocket she flipped it open without checking the number. "Hello?"

"Tara? Hi, it's Hale-David."

"Hey. What's going on?"

"I was, uh, just wondering if maybe you wanted to grab dinner tonight."

Tara had to bite back a sigh. This was another reason why sleeping with Hale had been a bad idea. Any other time she would have made plans with him, just to hang out with a friend. Now the situation was complicated, sticky, and she had to be careful with him now. "I can't." Which was the truth. She'd be at the hospital all day, there was no way she'd go out all night, no way she'd spend even more time away from Nikolai. "Listen, David, we need to talk." She didn't want to do this over the phone, but it had to be done. "What happened between us-"

"Sorry to cut you off, Tara, but a call just came through. I have to go. Maybe we could meet for lunch tomorrow."

"Yeah, sure." This time Tara did sigh, the longer this went on, the longer she went without telling Hale just where she stood, the worse she felt. Taking her frustration out on her cell, she started to put the phone back in the pocket of her lab coat when it rang again. And again she didn't bother checking the id. "Hello?"

"Tara, sweetie, thank God. It's Luanne."

"Hey, Luanne. What's going on?"

"Have you talked to Jax or Clay today?"

"Not yet." Grabbing a bottle of water out of the employee fridge, Tara all but dropped onto the couch in the lounge. "Why? What's going on?"

"It's Gemma and Clay. Apparently, he tapped some sweet butt while the boys were in Nevada."

Rolling her eyes, Tara started to bring the bottle to her lips. "And? I doubt it's the first time Clay's tapped a sweet butt on a run."

"She showed up here this morning."

Almost immediately Tara began to choke on her water. "Shit." She began to cough. Did she just complain about being bored? Now she was going to have to help the woman she considered a mother hide a body. "Shit."

"Exactly. Apparently she showed up at the garage, Clay sent her away, but Gemma ran into her again. Broke the bitch's nose."

"Oh, thank God." Tara gave a sigh of relief, then realized what she said. "Because, you know, it could have been worse. How long ago did this happen?"

"Not sure. One of the croweaters saw the whole thing. Gemma was arrested, they took the tart to the hospital. Apparently the club is dealing with some heavy shit right now. Someone has to cover Gemma."

"Right. I'll go see if she was brought in."

"Thanks, sweetheart."

Tara found the girl easy enough, since everyone was buzzing about the girl who got popped in the nose with a skateboard. Pasting on a her pleasant doctor smile, she pulled back the curtain surrounding the girl's bed. "Hi, I'm Dr. Knowles."

"I thought my doctor was the cute guy with the buzz cut."

"Dr. Klein? He probably is. And he is cute, isn't he?" Absently, Tara picked up the chart and started flipping through it.

"Are you a shrink? Look my old man didn't do this to me. I don't even have an old man."

"No? What's your name?"

"Cherry."

Yeah, Tara thought, sure it was. "Having any pain?"

"Not much, they gave me something."

"That's good. Broken nose," Tara glanced around, made sure she wasn't being overheard. "I remember this one time, I was seventeen maybe eighteen, and I came across this girl coming on to my boyfriend. I snapped, I had warned her before, you know, to stay away from him. So when I saw her with him, I got so angry I just flew off the handle. I ended up breaking her nose, I don't remember that. What I do remember is bending over her and pressing down on her nose until she promised to stay away from him." She shook her head, unable to believe she was relaying this story proudly. Since it was another moment from her past she wasn't too proud of. "Do you have kids, Cherry?"

"No." There was a hint of fear in Cherry's eyes. "Why?"

"I have a little boy." Tara smiled at the thought of Nikolai's impish grin. "He is the greatest thing I have ever done." Replacing the chart she took a seat on the foot of the bed. "I spoil him, give him whatever he wants. I have help, the woman who raised me-Gemma Morrow-I think she'd give him the moon if she could."

Cherry pushed herself up in the bed. "You-you know Gemma."

"She's like a mother to me. My son just adores her. If anything were to happen to her, she gets taken away from him, he'd just be crushed. And I absolutely hate to see him hurt. I don't even know what I would do if someone were to do something to hurt him." Standing up, Tara absently glanced around the room. "Have you spoken to the police yet? You know, about what happened."

"N-no. No, not yet. But there's nothing to talk to them about. I'm not pressing charges or anything."

"I'm not the one you should be telling that to." Tara smiled kindly. "I'm just a doctor. Is there anyone we can call for you? Someone who can come get you?"

"Do you know Half-Sack, I mean Kip?"

Tara frowned. "The prospect?" She hadn't been expecting that. "I know how to reach him. Dr. Klein will be in shortly." Well that was fun, Tara thought as she stepped back out into the hall, even if it wasn't very nice. But someone had to look out for Gemma. And with that taken care of she could find out just what the hell was going on at the clubhouse with Jax and Clay. Pulling out her cell she dialed Piney's number, figuring if something really bad was going down he'd be the furthest away from it.

"Hello?"

"Op? Sorry, I thought I was calling Piney."

"You did, he's refusing to answer his phone."

"What's going on?"

"Catch the news today, Tara."

Tara's mind began to spin, running through her day and trying to pick out and piece together any bits of information she'd come across. And then trying to relate it back to SAMCRO. "Um…" Then it hit her, the shooting. Three people dead. "Oh, no."

"Yeah."

"But-" She knew he couldn't tell her over the phone just how SAMCRO was involved, so she began to twist the facts in her mind. Some guy was busted out of jail during transport, but he wasn't a SON. So they weren't connected that way. But the guns. "Jesus Christ."

"Yup."

"So…" She wanted to ask why Piney was so pissed, but Piney was always pissed. "Where are you?"

"Dad and I decided to get some fishing done. Jax suggested it, thought we could use a little father/son time."

Which meant they were at the cabin and Piney was right in the middle of whatever had gone down. "Shit."

"Yeah."

"_And you tell that little girl ain't shit she can say to me gonna smooth things over with that boyfriend of hers._"

Nope, Tara thought with a sigh, Piney wasn't pissed. He was livid. "Well, you have fun with that."

"I shouldn't get to have all the fun, you should come up here. Join us."

"So he can yell at me until he's blue in the face, I don't think so. Later, babe."

"Alright, darlin."

Tara clicked the phone off, but before she could slip it back inside her lab coat it started ringing again. And again she answered without checking the ID. "Hello?"

"Tara, don't hang up."

At the sound of his voice her blood ran cold. "Josh, please." She hated how small she sounded, how afraid she was. Hated that he turned her into someone she barely recognized.

"I was just sitting here thinking, about you and me. _Him._ I'm so disappointed in the choices you've made, Tara. But they shouldn't be his choices. I heard rumblings…you want to see the kind of life you're dragging him into, drive by Teller-Morrow in an hour."

* * *

><p>It was early morning by the time Jax found himself back at the clubhouse. By the looks of things the prospect had done his job and put everything back in order. Going immediately to the bedside table he checked to make sure his old man's manuscript was still there, he gave a sigh of relief to find that it was where he left it. Absently his eyes scanned the room, trying to find anything out of order, problem was he could hardly remember what he had to begin with. Deciding not to stress about it too much and having nothing really jump out at him, he went to his dresser. That's when he noticed the mirror.<p>

There'd been a picture of him and Tara there. His mother had taken it on his sixteenth birthday, the day his brothers gave him his first bike. Now it was gone. The set of photo booth pictures of him and Nikolai were also gone. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw that the two pictures he had of him and Tara were still taped above his bed.

Not at all appreciating having his shit moved, Jax walked out into the main room of the clubhouse. "Hey, where's the prospect?"

Juice glanced up from his computer. "Probably wherever the Nevada sweet butt is. Why?"

"Some of my shits been moved. Pictures on my mirror." The thought of them being destroyed in the raid just pissed him off. Sure he could probably make copies of the photo booth pictures Tara had, but he didn't want to explain that his set were lost during an ATF raid.

"I'll ask him about it when I see him."

"Alright. Anybody asks I'm with the kid."

"Which one?" Juice asked with a laugh.

"Fuck you." Jax tossed back. The guys were having a lot of fun giving him shit, wondering how he went from a free agent to a tied down father of two. He tried not to let it bother him and being considered Nikolai's father didn't bother him. The thought that it could be taken away from him, however, did. Tara never stayed in one place long, sometimes she didn't seem capable of if.

Sure she was calling Charming home now, but for how long? Jax didn't understand how she could do it. Even back when she was splitting her time between Tacoma and Charming or San Diego, Charming, and Tacoma it just seemed like a lot of work. He knew a lot of it had to do with one of the basic principles of Tara's character: she never had to or even learned how, to deal with things. When her mom died, Lenny came and took her away before the body was even in the ground good. Lenny had stressed the importance of an education on her, so she buried herself in school work. And during the summer and breaks he brought her to Charming so she wouldn't be aware of how alone she was in Tacoma. The club sheltered her from everything. And Lenny was always removing her from anything that could upset her. So that's how Tara dealt with things, by removing herself from them. Or as Jax often thought of it, running.

"Hey."

At the sound of Tara's voice Jax tried to shake off his thoughts. He didn't want her leaving, didn't want to think about only seeing Nikolai sporadically. "Hey."

"You okay?" Tara tried to broach the subject carefully.

"Yeah, why?"

"I was going by the clubhouse yesterday, seem to be a bit of a commotion."

"Yeah," Jax tried to brush the whole thing off, didn't want to talk about SAMCRO business with her, not when it seemed they had so little time together. "That was a bunch of bullshit. We got this ATF agent harassing us. Following me. Showed up here. The guy's nuts. He's looking for dirt that doesn't exist."

Tara felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room, for a moment she'd have sworn it actually spun. "I'm, I'm just finishing up my rounds. Do you mind giving me a ride home?"

"Sure." Jax's eyes narrowed as he watched Tara seemingly shrink back in fear. "What's going on?"

"Shitty day." Tara tried to will her heart rate to a reasonable pace, berated herself for letting her fear show, for worrying Jax. "My nerves are kind of shot."

When normally he'd perk up at the thought of Tara on the back of his bike, he knew something was wrong with her. Had known it for awhile. But he also knew Tara, she'd only tell him when she was ready. "Alright, I'll be with the kid."

Walking away from Jax, Tara made her way quickly to the lounge. Pulling out her cell she dialed Jason's office line.

"Jason Dylan's office."

"This is Tara Knowles…Janowitz, I need to speak with him." Glad to find the lounge empty, Tara began to pace as she was put on hold.

"Tara, hey." Jason came on the line almost immediately. "I'm glad you called-"

"Jason's he's here."

"It's Lenny he…wait, what?"

"My dad? What?"

"He's in solitary. He attacked a guard. I'm not sure what happened, from what I could gather he received a letter- that has subsequently and conveniently disappeared-and he snapped."

"It was Josh." Tara concluded. "I know it. He's here, Jason. Jax said there's been an ATF agent hanging around him. You have to do something, Jason. I can't have him around Jax…I can't have him…if he hurts Jax-" He killed Alexei because he thought he was the one Tara loved, the one keeping them apart.

"Hey, hey, Tara breathe. Breathe, alright. I'll make a few calls. It'll be okay."

No, Tara thought, it would not be okay. This was only going to get a lot worse.


	8. Old Bones pt1

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**AN: This chapter corresponds with Old Bones and will be split into two parts. Sorry things got pushed back, but everything should be on schedule now.**

**Chapter 7a**

It seemed the most natural thing in the world, to be riding on the back of Jax's bike. Tara thought it would be so easy to just close her eyes, rest her cheek against the solid muscle of his shoulder, and forget the trouble and worry that weighed so heavily on her own. She missed holding him, missed being held by him. Missed the way he smelled: like motor oil, leather, and something so uniquely Jax it made her stomach clench. Her arms tightened around him and when he glanced over his shoulder at her, Tara caught the smile that tugged at the corner of his lips.

They'd done this a million times, the two of them riding through Charming, but Jax thought he enjoyed the times they rode at night the most. He thought it maybe had something to do with the quiet, how Charming just shut down, and he could hear Tara breathing. Or the way it made her quiet, too, so that she'd lean forward and whisper softly in his ear. But mostly, and this he knew for a fact, was how the darkness made her bolder. Her hands always finding their way under his shirt to flit across his stomach or down to his crotch, teasing him until he was forced to pull over and drag her to the first secluded spot he could find.

He missed her playful, teasing side. Something was different with her, wrong. She was more guarded, especially with him, and that wasn't like Tara at all. They never had a problem talking to each other, surprisingly it was one of the things they were really good at. They told each other things they couldn't tell anyone else. It worried him that there was something she felt she couldn't tell him. And she was jumpy as hell, too. More than once he caught the way she'd flinch when someone tried to touch her. Or the way she always seemed to be on alert, as if she was expecting something to jump out of the shadows at her. Add to it that he knew she was avoiding Happy, shit she was avoiding the clubhouse altogether. That he considered calling Kozik bothered him, but it was Tara and he had to find out what was going on with her.

When they pulled into her drive, Tara couldn't help the disappointment that sank into her gut. She didn't want him to leave, she didn't want to let him go, but she knew he couldn't hang around long.

"Appreciate the lift."

"No problem" Jax climbed off his bike, confused when he didn't see her car. "Where's the Cutlass?"

Tara glanced around the neighborhood, breathing a sigh of relief when she didn't see Josh. "At the hospital."

Jax frowned. "It's not running right?" Though he didn't see her just leaving it at the hospital if it wasn't. Whenever she even thought something was wrong with that car-and with Tara every little sound warranted a reaction-she brought it into the garage. Actually, she would call for a tow for fear of driving it and causing more damage.

"It's running okay."

"This worry I'm getting here. Have anything to do with that car that's been following us?" As he watched, her eyes went wide and glanced frantically up the street. "The compact parked halfway down the block." That she paled and began backing away in panic, pissed him off. "What the hell's going on?"

Tara knew she had to tell him now, cursed herself for not telling him earlier, when Josh wasn't around. But there would be no getting out of this, Jax was going to press now. "That ATF agent that's been looking into you guys. Older guy, tall, salt and pepper hair?"

He wasn't going to like where this ended up, there was no doubt in Jax's mind he was going to absolutely hate where this was going. "Yeah."

"I think he's here for me."

"What are you talking about?"

Tara took a deep breath, resolving to get this all out as quickly as she possibly could. "His name is Joshua Kohn. I was _with_ him in Chicago. It got violent. I tried to end it. He started stalking me." With each word she could see Jax's anger building. "Don't." She tried to stop him when he headed in the direction of Josh's care. "He's dangerous."

But Jax didn't hear her, honestly he stopped hearing everything she said after 'it got violent'. "Go back inside, Tara. Lock the door."

* * *

><p>It took everything he had not to drive his knife into the fuckers throat. But even that seemed too good for him, too quick. And as he walked away some part of Jax hoped Kohn wouldn't take his warning for what it was because he wanted to hurt this guy. Wanted to hurt him for putting that frightened look in Tara's eyes, for daring to put his fucking hands on her.<p>

She was _with_ him, in Chicago. At the moment Jax couldn't even get into all the implications of that. Could only think about the time he'd gone to see her. The nerves in her voice when she asked who was at the door. The way she all but leapt into his arms and clung to him. And the way she so readily, so easily agreed to go away with him. Wasn't even going to bring anything until he insisted she at least needed her id.

That weekend they made plans. He was going to leave Wendy, she was going to finish school, start her career in California. They were going to be together, finally together again. When he dropped her off, she begged him to stay, but he had to get back to Charming, to SAMCRO. He'd been on the road less than an hour when he pulled over to call her like some fucking lovesick teenager, but she didn't answer. He continued to call, called for two days but she didn't answer, didn't return any of his calls.

Jax had been pissed, thought she changed her mind, thought a whole lot of things that pissed him off. Now he wondered if he took her back to that son of bitch. That when he dropped her off, if he dropped her right into that fucker's lap. It was this thought that propelled him back to her front door, had him beating on the wood harder than he should have.

"Jax?"

And there it was again, the nerves and fear in her voice. Biting off a swear, Jax made an effort to calm down. "Yeah, it's me." When the door slowly crept open, he fought the urge to shove it the rest of the way open and pull her out. "Come on."

Tara frowned, stepping back to allow him to enter, but Jax stayed on the porch. "What?"

"Let's go."

"Where?"

"I'm not leaving you alone, but I gotta take care of some shit, so you're going to the clubhouse." He saw her start to argue. "Tara, I'm not gonna argue with you on this. Let's go."

"I have to get Nicky."

Jax wanted to demand how the fuck she planned on doing that when her car was at the hospital. Or if she thought he'd actually let her bring Nikolai back to the house with a nut job ATF agent after her. "Call Donna, have her bring him to the clubhouse."

Tara nodded and for once chose not to argue with him, reaching back she grabbed her purse. "Let me just…" She balanced her cell between her ear and shoulder as she pulled her keys out.

She was locking up, she was Lenny Janowitz's daughter, and she was locking up her fucking house in Charming. Jax pulled out his prepay to call Clay.

"Donna, hey, if it's not too much trouble can you bring Nikolai to the clubhouse…"

Jax tuned out the conversation as he made his way back to his bike. "Clay. Something's come up, I need everybody at the clubhouse….it's Tara." And that was all he had to say to have his step-father ending the conversation to call in the rest of the boys.

Climbing onto the back of his bike, Tara caught the end of the conversation. "You're going to tell the guys?"

"Yeah, just as you should have the second you got back into town."

* * *

><p>"Hey," Climbing off of Jax's bike, Tara placed a hesitant hand on his arm. "I'll tell them, okay."<p>

"Why should I believe that?"

"Look," Her apologetic nature was gone. "You're pissed I get it. But I really don't need this shit."

Running a hand over his face, Jax sighed. "I'm not…" He couldn't say he wasn't pissed, because he was. "I'm not pissed at you. It's just…why didn't you tell me you were in this kind of trouble. As soon as you realized this guy was crazy you should have come to me."

"You know why he killed Alexei? Because he thought Alexei was who I wanted to be with. The way he thinks…he thought the only reason I was in Tacoma was to be with Alexei. I didn't come here because I didn't want him to connect Charming to you. I didn't want him to near you."

Seeing that she was upset, Jax placed his hand on her hip to gain her attention. "He's not gonna hurt me. And he's sure as shit not gonna hurt you. I promise. Go ahead inside, I got something I need to do."

"Alright." But Tara stayed where she was as she watched Jax ride off. She considered staying outside, just getting her shit together before heading in the clubhouse. Unfortunately the decision as to what she was going to do was made for her.

The door to the clubhouse opened, Clay's body practically filling the entryway, pointing angrily in her direction. "Little girl, you get your ass in here right the hell now."

_Little _girl, he was really pissed. They only ever called her 'little girl' when they were angry at her. Except for Piney, who always called her little girl, but then he always seemed to be pissed at her.

Tara started towards the clubhouse, all the while praying that Piney wasn't inside. The man took every available opportunity to yell at her. "Clay, I-"

"Uh-uh." Clay hitched a thumb over his shoulder. "Inside."

And damned if Piney's wasn't the first face she saw when she stepped inside. He was seated at the bar, arms crossed over his wide chest. And he wore that scary look, where it seemed like he didn't know if he wanted to hug her or shake her. But he seemed to be the only one aware of what was going on. Opie, who was playing pool, gave her a smile and a nod. Juice and Chibs were seated together at a table both looked up and grinned when they saw her. Bobby was at the bar with Happy, but both of them seemed to be aware of the mood and gave her apologetic looks.

"Hey, Princess." Tig pulled a beer out started to hand it to her only for Piney to snatch it away.

"She don't get a beer." Piney slammed the bottle down on the bar, drawing everyone's attention. "You sit your ass down."

"That really necessary, Piney?"

Tara jumped when she felt the hand press into her back

"Hey," Gemma's voice was gentle, as she ran soothing circles on Tara's back. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Just tired." There was an empty chair at the table with Juice and Chibs, Tara headed that way only for Piney to grab her wrist and pull her down besides him.

"Okay, what the hell is going on?" Gemma demanded.

"I got a letter from Lenny," Piney began to explain though his eyes remained on Tara. "Thanking the club for watching out for his little girl. Wanted to apologize because he knew she was stubborn and likely uncooperative and not making things easy. But wanted us to know if there ever anything we needed in return for looking out for Tara and Nikolai-the two most important things in his life-he'd give without hesitation.

"Why does she need looking out for?" Opie asked. "What's going on?"

"Apparently she's in some kind of trouble." Clay told him. "That right, Tara?"

"The ATF agent that's been hassling you guys, his name is Joshua Kohn. He's the same agent that arrested my dad and killed Alexei." Tara spoke the words to her own hands, too ashamed to look anyone in the eye. "I met him a few years ago, we were together, it was before Nikolai was born. Before I even moved back to Tacoma. Things got…violent."

"Violent!" Clay exploded. "This son of bitch put his hands on you?"

White hot shame rushed through her. She could still remember the pain, blinding hot pain that stole her breath. And the shock, the utter shock that he hit her. It had been the shock that had her reflecting on how large his hands were. How much damage a man's hands could cause when they lashed out in anger and not the playful knocks the boys in the club had given her. She'd been in more than a few catfights, but she'd never been hit. And she'd sure as shit never been hit by a man. Despite being brought up in the club, she never even had the fear of being hit by a man.

"Little girl." Happy's voice was deceptively calm and he was much more dangerous because of it. He'd known Tara since she was a kid, he knew when she was guilty and, though he didn't know why, she looked real fucking guilty right now. "You told your old man things got weird. You didn't say violent."

"I don't-" Tara swallowed back her tears. "I don't want you guys to get involved in this. He set up Alexei and my dad, wanted them both out of the way because he thought _they_ were the ones keeping us apart. Claimed he shot Alexei in 'the line of duty'. Busted my dad for triple homicide." Those men, those ATF agents had been there because of Josh. There was no doubt in Tara's mind he'd planned on killing both Alexei and her father that day. "I don't want my mess bleeding onto anyone else. I've already brought too much heat down on SAMCRO as it is."

"You didn't answer his question, Tara." Gemma was in front of her now, hands on her shoulders, forcing the younger woman to look her in the eye. "This Kohn guy, did he hit you?"

But she couldn't say it. Couldn't admit the mistake she made. She'd been arrogant, dismissive, she'd underestimated Josh. The times he grabbed a bit too forcefully, the times he was a little too insistent with her, she brushed off. She took his apologies because she didn't want to bother fighting with him. Then he hit her and she hadn't known what to do. "It would have killed my dad if he knew." Her voice was barely a whisper.

"Lenny is the least of your worries." Piney ambled off the stool. "Somebody give me a goddamn gun."

"Piney." Tara objected

"Sit down, old man." Clay waved him back. "You're not gonna shoot him, that's too quick. Hitting our girl, this fucker is going to die a slow death."

Tara pushed past Gemma and had to move quickly to head the group of men off. "Clay," Her hands pressed against the solid wall of his chest. "This isn't necessary. I called my Dad's lawyer, he said he'd take care of this."

"He said that because the wants to get in your pants."

Clay flinched. "Alright, so we kill the fed then find the lawyer and kill him, too. Or the other way around. Either way, kiddo, we need you to get out of the way."

He started forward, which forced her to take several steps back. "Clay, listen, Josh is crazy but he's still ATF. And right now the ATF have taken up residence down at the station. Something happens to one of them the first place they're going to come look is here, SAMCRO doesn't need this type of heat."

"She's right, Clay." Although Gemma was practically vibrating with fury herself, realizing now the look she hadn't recognized in Tara's eyes had been fear. Tara had never been afraid, if anything she was too ballsy for her own damn good. "As long as ATF is in town we have to be cool."

Clay was obviously struggling with this, his jaw clenched in anger. "Fine. Call Unser." He instructed Juice. "Let him know his deputy is playing bitch to a psychotic freak." Reaching out he pulled Tara to his chest, dropping a kiss to the top of her head. "Don't ever do something like this again. You get in trouble, you let us know." But even though he knew what she and Gemma said was reasonable, he was still angry. And still very much wanted to put his fist through something. "I have to find out through another letter that you're trouble, I don't care how old you are, I'll put you over my knee."

"I'll put you over my knee, too, pretty girl" Bobby leaned forward to kiss her cheek. "And I don't even need a reason to do it."

"I can give you a reason not to." Opie stepped in. "Jax's foot in your ass."

Before Tara could say anything, her cell rang. Having learned her lesson she checked the id before answering. It was the hospital. "Hello…yeah…okay…I'll be right there." Clicking the phone off, Tara shoved it back into her bag. "I need to get back to the hospital. Hap? Can you give me a ride?"

"No problem."

"Gemma, I hate to ask, but Donna's on her way with Nikolai. I thought I was done for the day."

"Don't worry, I'll keep him."

"Thanks, I'll be back later to pick him up."

"Pick him up?" Clay shook his head. "No. Jax made a call and I agree. Until that sick fuck is gone, you stay here."

Tara started to argue, started to tell them it wasn't necessary, but taking one look at their faces she knew there would be no winning this argument. "Yeah. Fine."

* * *

><p>As Jax marched into the station part of him hoped that Kohn would be there, that the fucker would give him just one reason, one good reason to end his sorry existence. He hit Tara, Jax knew she'd never been hit a day in her life. And she'd done her fair share of hitting, slapping, and punching members of the club. Even when one of her playful slaps packed a bit of a sting none of them dared to raise a hand at her.<p>

"Hey," Jax's voice practically bounced off the walls of the station. For some reason he wanted to take a swing at Hale, felt if the deputy hadn't been so busy trying to fuck with SAMCRO Kohn wouldn't have been able to get so close to Tara. "You better reign in your ATF boyfriend."

Refusing to be intimidated by the biker prince, Hale stood to his full height. "Agent Kohn isn't on my payroll. I don't keep tabs."

"Well you should. He's isn't here for SAMCRO, Hale, he's here for Tara."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"This guy was stalking her in Chicago. Thinks she came back to Charming to be with me. I'm telling you this guy is nuts and he's gonna hurt her."

Realization seemed to slowly dawn on Hale. "Jesus Christ. That's who she had the restraining order against." And it suddenly made sense to him why information on the RO was hard to come by, Kohn obviously pulled strings to have it buried.

"You knew." Jax was torn between being pissed that Hale knew before him and being pissed that Hale knew and didn't do anything about it.

"No, but it makes sense now."

Jax started to demand just what it was Hale knew when Unser stepped out of his office, mentioning something about bones being dug up.

"Kohn is _my_ problem."

"Coming after Tara made him mine."

"I'll take care of Kohn. And I'll take care of Tara."

Jax's eyes narrowed, he knew when another man was laying claim to a woman. "Yeah?"

Hale nodded. "We've been seeing each other."

It wouldn't help matters, at all, if he wrapped his hands around Hale's throat and just started to squeeze. Logically, Jax knew that whatever was between Hale and Tara wasn't exactly what Hale believed it was. Just as he knew he had no right to be pissed. Didn't change the fact that he was. "Coming after Tara made him _my_ problem. He's gonna hurt her and I don't give a shit that he's a fed-"

"I said I'll handle it."

"You better, man, or I'm gonna." Jax stared to walk away, took two steps before turning back. "And you might wanna talk to Tara before you go around telling people you're together."

"What's that suppose to mean?"

The corners of Jax's mouth turned up in an arrogant smirk. "You know exactly what it means. Tara and anybody who isn't me, that shit's a no go."

Now Hale was practically vibrating with anger. "The fact that she has a child with somebody else disproves that theory."

"Believe that if you want to, but you know I'm right."

* * *

><p>Tara was both physically and emotionally exhausted. She was actually grateful to have been called back into the hospital. It was the only time her constantly working mind was quiet. She was able to lose herself in the surgery, to focus her mind on what needed to be done. Now she was nearing the end of her shift, she wanted to get back to her baby, but she just needed a few more moments of quiet. Her mind was just floating in that hazy place between dreams and reality when she became aware of someone else in the lounge with her.<p>

"Why didn't you tell me it was Kohn?"

Realizing the illusion of peace was shattered, Tara sighed as she shifted over to give Hale room on the couch besides her. "Jax told you."

"I didn't know that Kohn was the guy that was stalking you. I could've-"

"I tried to get help in Chicago and Seattle. After what went down with my dad and Alexei, I complained to his superiors. Three precincts in Chicago, two in Tacoma before I could even get those restraining orders. I didn't think there was anything you could do."

"Tara, Kohn's bosses doesn't even know that he's here. The guy's in deep shit. He's done."

She didn't want to get her hopes up, didn't want to believe this was finally over. "Really."

"He's leaving Charming. I promise. And I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"I didn't protect you like I should have."

"David," Tara considered taking his hand in hers, but considering what it was she was going to do decided against it. "That's not your job."

"You don't understand. Tara, I can't stop thinking about that night. You and I-"

"Are really good friends." She finished gently. "And I'd really like to keep things that way." The words came out slowly and Tara felt like shit as she watched the meaning behind them sink in.

"Yeah," David nodded, practically jumping to his feet. "I'd like that, too. I need to-I should get back."

Tara nodded, but said nothing as he moved away from her as quickly as he could.

* * *

><p>Despite the events of the day and with her head angled back awkwardly so that Nikolai could rest his chin on hers, Tara was more than content at the moment. But she found it difficult not to be when her son was in her arms, especially when he was pressing kisses to the tip of her nose. "Love you, Nicky."<p>

"Aw, Mommy."

"Hey,"

"Hey," Tara glanced over at Donna who dropped onto the picnic table besides her. She had been trying her best not to watch while Donna and Opie had been arguing, honestly she tried her best not to get involved. Gemma was pressing her to pull Donna in, Jax was asking her to reassure Donna. Tara felt that her job was merely to support her friend. She asked Donna to be Nikolai's babysitter not only because she trusted the woman with her child, but because she wanted to ease some of the financial stress her friend was feeling without bruising her pride. "You didn't have to stay."

"I didn't mind, really."

"Everything okay?"

"Did you know Kyle?"

"Kyle who?" Tara asked absently.

"I don't really know his last name. He was at the fundraiser, he was involved with the club, but he got out."

Oh, Tara thought, that Kyle. "He didn't get out, Donna, he was kicked out. The guy had to get the club's permission to come see his own family." She wanted to tell Donna about seeing Kyle at the hospital, about the severe burns on his back, but she couldn't. Opie preferred to keep Donna out of club business and Tara had to respect his wishes.

"But," Donna turned towards Tara, there was an eagerness about her. Like she was pressing Tara to agree with her. "That's because his wife decided to stay here. I wouldn't do that. I'd go with Opie, I'd follow him anywhere."

"Except back into the club."

"Sometimes I forget Gemma's the one who raised you. Then you say things like that and you sound just like her."

Tara sighed. She knew Gemma and Donna had their problems, always had. But she loved them both and had made the decision early on never to get in the middle of their problems. It had not been easy. "I didn't mean it like that. Donna, you and Opie, that's real and solid."

"We're drowning, Tara. He went to jail because of the club. He loves our kids more than anything in this world but they look at him like he's a stranger. And that's because of the club."

Tara wanted to tell her it was because of Kyle, but this wasn't about fault. "It's hard for him, Donna. He doesn't-"

"If you're going to tell me he doesn't know anything else, I've heard it. From Jax, from Opie, I don't need to hear it again. You were raised in this club just like they were and you got out. Jesus, Tara, you're a doctor."

"It was different for me, just like it'll be different for Nicky. He'll have options, Jax and Opie didn't." Just like Abel and Kenny wouldn't, but Tara knew not to say that.

"I just don't know if I can keep doing this, Tara."

For a long time Tara said nothing. She'd never been married, didn't understand the disconnect Donna felt with the club. What she did know was that Opie and Donna belonged together. But she had to be careful, had to make sure what she said didn't come off to Donna the wrong way. "Don't make any decisions now, Donna. Not when you're mad at him, when your emotions are high. Odds are you're going to do something you'll regret."

"Did you regret leaving Jax?"

"I did, until I had Nicky. Then I couldn't."

"Mommy," Nikolai touched her cheek, turning her face toward him. "Bed now."

"Okay," Tara turned to Donna. "Come inside while I settle him down."

"No," Donna glanced back at the clubhouse. "I can't. Go ahead, I'll talk to you later."

"Alright. Just promise me you'll think things through before making a decision. Ope loves you, Donna."

"I know."

Standing, Tara settled Nikolai into the crook of her arm. Her son may have been bad, just a little wild, and needlessly spoiled, but she had no problem overlooking all of that when she considered how easily he settled down for nap and bedtime. His eyes were already drooping, his breathing growing slow and steady.

"I wanna talk to you." Gemma caught Tara by the elbow.

"Can it wait, I need to get Nicky to bed." A conversation with Gemma was really the last thing she wanted to deal with right now.

Gemma simply kicked out the chair opposite her.

With a sigh, Tara sat. Not quite asleep, Nikolai's hand pointed towards the wall. "Axe, Mommy."

"Yeah, that's Jax."

"I had the prospect clean out his room, change the sheets, so you can lay Nikolai down once he's asleep."

"I was going to lay him down in my room."

"We're using your room for storage now." Gemma lied easily. "Don't worry, we'll have the prospect start cleaning shit out of there in the morning."

Tara's eyes narrowed, trying to find the lie in Gemma's words. She couldn't say for sure one way or the other, Gemma was a fantastic liar. "You put me and Nicky in Jax's room, where is he going to sleep."

"The two of you've never shared a bed before?" The smirk played easily over her lips. "Speaking of beds, how'd Hale find his way into yours. Don't look so shocked. I know you, remember."

"It was a one time thing." Tara glanced down at Nikolai, making sure he was asleep. She knew he couldn't really understand what she was saying even if he'd been awake, but still it was better to be safe than sorry. "He went out of his way for me."

"So far out a simple 'thank you' wouldn't have been suffice."

"Is it really necessary to make me feel worse than I already do? I wasn't thinking, okay. He came over, just as I was getting home from work, Nicky was still at Donna's. One thing kind of lead to another."

"You know he's always had a thing for you."

Apparently Gemma could in fact make her feel worse.

"Well, did you let him know that what happened was a one time thing."

"I did."

"Good," Gemma absently toyed with a cigarette. "Anyway I can get you to tell me how the boy scout was?"

Not even bothering to respond to that, Tara pushed back from the table. "Goodnight, Gemma."

Because she hadn't really been expecting an answer, Gemma just smirked. "Night, baby."

* * *

><p>It was late by the time Jax let himself into his room at the clubhouse. He knew Tara and Nikolai were bunked there and he was doing his best not to think of this as him coming home to them.<p>

"Hey,"

A frown played briefly over Jax's features. The bedside lamp was on and Tara was sitting up in the bed. Nikolai, stripped down to just a diaper, was curled up asleep next to her. There was a large book in her lap. "Hey, what are you still doing up?"

"Had some reading to do." But she closed the book and let it drop heavily to the floor. "Waiting up for you. Is this okay, me and Nicky bunking here?"

"Yeah, of course. I'll take the chair." Jax stripped off his cut and holster, continuing until he was down to just his boxers.

"It's your bed."

Not since he was sixteen years old had he been able to lay in a bed with her and not need to be inside her. And he may have been a father for all of five minutes but he knew being rock hard in the bed with a kid was all kinds of fucked up. "It's yours and the little man's tonight."

"Thanks." Tara pulled the top comforter off the bed, held it out to Jax. "For everything."

Pulling the chair close to the bed, he propped his feet up on the end, and pulled the comforter over his legs. "Not a problem, babe. Kohn's been taken care of, you don't have to worry about him anymore."

"Still taking care of me?"

Jax shot her a sleepy grin. "Always, baby."


	9. Old Bones pt2

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**Chapter 7 cont.**

It was early morning when Gemma let herself into Jax's house. She'd worked her ass off getting the house in order and now she only needed to put on the small finishing touches. She couldn't wait to get Abel home, to see Jax with his son in his arms. Gemma considered getting another bed, a little toddler bed to put in Abel's nursery, but she didn't want to get too far ahead of herself. Didn't mean she couldn't get all the junkie's shit out, make room for Tara and Nikolai.

Her mind was elsewhere, which was why she didn't notice something off when she first stepped into the house. It wasn't until she was pass the nursery, on her way to Jax's bedroom with the little feminine touches she thought Tara would like, when she caught the mess out the corner of her eye.

The nursery was wrecked. All the things she'd lovingly picked out for her grandson torn apart and tossed aside. Shock kept the anger at bay, her mind couldn't even comprehend what she was looking at. Then she saw the pictures taped to the wall. The picture of her boys with their faces crossed out. Pictures of Jax with some pussy he could have picked up anywhere. And pictures of Tara in varying states of undress, the word _mine_ scribbled over each one.

Disgusted, angry, Gemma started out of the room. Felt the difference in the carpet even as she heard the _squish_, her nose answering before she could even ask the question.

"Son of a bitch."

* * *

><p>When his mother called and told him he needed to get to the house, the first call Jax made was to Tara. Touching base, making sure all was quiet with her. He played the call off like it was nothing, but she knew him well enough to know something was up. But much to Jax's relief she didn't press.<p>

Gemma was still in the nursery. She hadn't cleaned up anything yet, she wanted Jax to get the full effect. Wanted him seething with anger when he went after the fed.

Jax's anger spiked the moment he walked into his son's nursery. That fuck, that dead fuck, had come into his home. He touched and ruined his son's things. And Jax couldn't even think about the smell that hit his nostrils. His eyes landed on the pictures on the wall. The pictures of him and his dad, him and Thomas that was missing from his room. His and Thomas' faces crossed out.

He felt sick that pictures of him and some random pussy was taped to the wall of his son's room. He stepped closer, almost sure he wasn't seeing what he thought he was. But placed throughout the vulgar collage were pictures of Tara. Jax didn't know if it was worse that the pictures were clearly not taken in her mother's house here in Charming. But what he assumed was her apartment in Chicago and what he knew was the house she shared with Alexei in Tacoma.

There were pictures of Tara in nothing but her bra and panties, in nothing but her panties, or in nothing at all. The possessive words scribbled across the pictures serving only to piss Jax off even more. "Kohn." He all but growled the other man's name, already envisioning ways to make him pay.

Having already figured out as much, Gemma kept her eyes on her son. "That son of a bitch."

"He's dead." Jax vowed.

Gemma nodded in approval at the glare in her son's eyes. "At least."

"Get these goddamn pictures down." So intent was he on finding and killing Kohn, Jax missed the pleased smirk on his mother's face.

* * *

><p>David Hale was the first on the scene. The block was empty, the town had a way of disappearing when SAMCRO related trouble began. The sound of fist on flesh practically echoed through the street. Kohn was half dead, body limp as Jax used one hand to raise his head off the ground and the other to drive him back down.<p>

It took three men to pull Jax off of Kohn. The EMTs came, started loading Kohn onto a stretcher.

"Work on him in your truck, get him back to the station." Hale ordered. "I do not want him within a hundred yards of St. Thomas."

The two EMTs shot him a confused look but followed his orders. By the time he turned back to Jax, the biker was on his feet. For the first time he noted the pair of scissors in Teller's leg. And watched, in more than a little horror, as Jax gripped the pair of scissors and pulled them out of his leg.

"Jesus Christ. Floyd we're gonna need a few towels." The old barber hustled into the shop and hurried out with a few towels, handing them off to Jax. "Stone." Hale motioned to one of the deputies. "Get Floyd's statement."

* * *

><p>With both men patched up and Kohn ordered back to Chicago, Hale thought he should be breathing a bit easier. He didn't know what the guy put Tara through, she wouldn't talk to him about it. He had a feeling she'd never talk to anybody about it. Stepping outside the station he noticed Jax leaning against his bike. At the sight of Kohn, he was moving forward.<p>

"Teller." Hale warned, hand on the butt of his gun.

Not the least bit threatened, Jax continued forward. "Where's his shit? I think he has a few things of mine."

Cautiously, Hale waved the two other officers away, giving a nod to pop the trunk on the cruiser.

"You can't-"

"I did." Hale cut off Kohn's complaint as he watched Jax search through the trunk. He carelessly tossed clothes around, many of them landing on the ground.

It took a moment but Jax finally found what he was looking for. Slamming the trunk closed he walked around the car, holding the photos up for Kohn to see. "These" His fingers tapped the pictures, his words pointed. "are _mine_."

There was a smirk on Jax's face that Hale was very well acquainted with. It was the same one he had in high school whenever his hands slid over Tara's ass. Hale hated that fucking smirk.

"That's my son." There was more than a hint of hysteria in Kohn's voice. "She has no right to keep him from me."

Jax's smirk may have wavered slightly, but his resolve didn't. "You're never going to see either one of them again." And with that he turned to walk back to his bike.

* * *

><p>It was late when Jax found himself on Tara's porch. He wasn't ready to go back to the clubhouse, he didn't want to be alone. The fight with his mother weighing heavily on his shoulders. Somehow she made this whole mess with Kohn, his and Tara's fault. Blaming his pride, her stubbornness. Said if he had got his shit together, made Tara his Old Lady and meant it she'd never had gotten involved with Kohn. Accused Tara of running away, of hiding behind this protective wall, and not asking for help when she needed it.<p>

Jax had tried to brush her off, didn't want to hear what she was saying, as his brain could not come up with a formula that resulted in Kohn being his and Tara's fault. But then she threw Hale in his face. Told him that his wandering dick drove Tara right into the deputy chief's bed. And that she wouldn't be surprised if Tara took Nikolai to play happy families with Hale.

It was the last thing Jax needed to hear, especially with that bitch Stahl's words playing in his mind. He began to see Tara with Hale. Imagined she used him to get rid of Kohn just so she could move on into a relationship with someone else. She fucked Hale, hadn't she? Couldn't even wait to be fully rid of Kohn before she moved on.

He doubted Hale even knew what to do with her. Boy scout probably couldn't even make her cum. Doubted Tara gripped at Hale's arms, sank her teeth into his shoulder, or clawed at his back. Was sure Hale hadn't been able to hit the place inside of her that could make her scream. And he knew Hale didn't know what it was like to have Tara whisper 'I love you' in his ear as she came down from her orgasm.

When the lights from the Cutlass cut across the yard, Jax crushed out his cigarette. He said nothing, just watched as Tara stepped out of the car. She turned towards the backseat but Nikolai had already unbuckled himself.

"Axe!" Nikolai literally hit the ground running. He was giggling madly when he launched himself into Jax's arms.

"What's up, little man?" Jax brushed his hand over Nikolai's hair, in the last few weeks it had grown even longer. He didn't even know how the kid even saw anything past the long curls over his eyes. Despite himself Jax studied the kid, trying to look for hints of Kohn. Of Alexei. But there was just Tara.

Tara lowered herself to the step next to him. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders she pulled him in close. "Hale told me what happened. You okay?"

"Yeah." Jax took a moment, just a moment to appreciate being so close to her. It just felt so fucking good to be close to her again. "Kohn's gone. Watched him leave town."

Tara gave a sigh of relief. "Thank you." Pulling back her heart gave a helpless flutter at the gentle way he held Nikolai. But even as he held her son close, he gave her a look she wasn't sure she liked. "What is it?"

"You left Chicago cause you were afraid this guy was gonna hurt you."

"One of the reasons."

"Did you come back here because you knew I'd hurt this guy? Do what the cops wouldn't?"

"When I left Chicago I thought that was going to be the end with Josh, I had no idea he'd follow me to Tacoma. After what happened with my dad and Alexei, even though it was the last thing I wanted, I stayed away from you. I did that to keep you safe." It was more than what he said, it was his tone and that hurt look on his face that got her. She didn't know what was said to him or by who, but she knew it got to him. And he was beginning to doubt her. "This doesn't sound like you Jax."

Jax shook his head, set Nikolai back. "Well he's gone now."

"Jax, please, come inside. Tell me where your head is."

"Naw," He stood, started to walk away, but Nikolai clung tightly to his leg.

"Axe, come play. Play."

Tara reached out for Nikolai's hand. "It's late, sweetie. Bedtime now, come here."

"No." Nikolai's arms tightened around his leg. "Axe, bedtime now."

Jax looked at Tara with a frown, not fully understanding what the kid wanted.

"Nicky, Mommy'll put you to bed. Jax has to go."

He was going to leave, but the kid was looking at him with big hopeful eyes. Tara's eyes. Despite the pain in his leg, Jax reached down to lift Nikolai into his arms. "It's alright. I'll take you little man."

Tara remained on the porch as Jax carried Nikolai into the house. And wondered how it was she managed to make every man in her life pissed off at her at exactly he same time.

* * *

><p>For all the little man's talk about 'Axe' and 'Axe, bedtime.' When his eyes started to droop and his head too heavy to hold up, it was straight to Tara he went. A sleepy pout gracing his face, he walked into the kitchen, arms held out to his mother.<p>

"Mommy, bed now."

Smiling Tara reached down and lifted him into her arms. Resting his head on her shoulder, Nikolai gave a contented sigh. He was already half sleep when she laid him in his bed. Jax had followed wordlessly. Standing in the doorway as Tara settled Nikolai into a little red car bed he could remember wanting desperately when he was a kid.

"Night, Nikolai."

"Night, Mommy."

She leaned down, brushing his hair back off his brow so she could press a kiss there. "What about Jax?"

He gave a large yawn. "Night, Axe."

"Alright, little man."

Tara grabbed a stuffed dog off the foot of the bed, placed in under Nikolai's arm. By the time he curled around it, he was fast asleep. "You didn't have to stay."

"Little man wanted me to." He watched as Tara turned on a beside lamp, also shaped like a car. Actually the whole room was decked out in cars. "I thought he was into bikes."

"Bikes. Cars." Tara picked a few of his toys up off the floor, placing them on a shelf in the corner before moving by Jax out of the room. "Anything with a motor."

"Would have thought Hap and Kozik would have insisted everything he owned be Harley Davidson."

"They did. But Alexei was really into cars. He would have loved the room."

Jax followed her out into the living room. "You talk more about this guy now that he's dead then you did when he was alive."

"Don't start."

"What?" He was itching for a fight. Angry at her for still having this fucked up hold over him. "Just wondering how Hale feels having to hear all about your Russian."

"What does…" Realization played slowly over her face. "Oh. That's what this is all about. You found out about me and Hale."

Jax leaned his hand against the wall, did his best to keep from driving his fist through it. "So there's a you and Hale, now. You haven't had your fill of cops with Kohn."

"You're comparing David to Kohn, really? Besides, David and I…we're not even together."

He knew it was in his best interest, in the best interest of their relationship, that he let this go. But he couldn't. For some reason he just had to know what had gone on with her and David. Needed to know so he could stop imagining it. "What are you?"

"You don't want to do this, Jax."

When she headed back towards her bedroom, Jax grabbed her arm to keep her in place. "Yeah, I do. If you and Hale aren't together, than what are you?"

"None of your business."

That just pissed him off more. Lead him to believe there was more between her and Hale than she was admitting to him. Had him imagining her and the boy scout moving in together, setting up house. "You really think this is fair to Nik."

"What does Nicky have to do with this?"

"You have a kid now Tara, you have to think about him."

Tara gave a bitter, humorless laugh. "That's rich coming from you. You've been a father for all of what, a minute. And you're giving me parenting advice. Tell me, Jax, how discriminating has your taste been since Abel was born." Even if she hadn't seen him with Emily or the picture of him and the tramp he picked up on the way to Vegas, the way he averted his gaze would have been a dead giveaway. "That's what I thought."

"So you want Hale now?"

"No. Jesus, Jax." Tara walked back across the room, dropping down onto the couch. "David and I…it happened, okay. Now it's over."

Jax nodded, moved to sit next to her on the couch. He didn't feel better. He knew there was nothing between her and Hale. Knew that what he told Hale was the absolute truth; nothing could come of anything that happened between Tara and anyone who wasn't him. He hated that she had been with Hale, but it hadn't been what was really bothering him. "Why does Kohn think Nikolai is his son?"

"Because he's crazy." Tara shrugged. "Nikolai was about three months old when Josh showed up in Tacoma. I was just starting to relax, you know. I thought it was over. All of a sudden he shows up for Nikolai's doctor's appointment, flashing his badge and telling everyone he's the father. I hadn't seen him in two years, yet somehow he thought it was possible for him to be the father of my three month old son."

Jax's fist clenched with the need to drive into something. He didn't know what he was expecting her to say, but it certainly wasn't this. To find out this guy was so fucking nuts he'd think Nikolai was his when it was in no way possible. He couldn't imagine what this guy must have put her through. And he was ashamed, ashamed that he allowed Kohn to get to him. To make him think that Tara had gone to the Russian to protect her and her unborn child instead of coming to him. So that even as he was angry and accusing her of only coming back to him because she needed help, he was really pissed off and jealous because he thought she'd gone to another man first. "I'm sorry."

Tara shook her head. She didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to think about it any more. "It's not your fault."

"He's never gonna be able to hurt you again, Tara. I promise."

Tara could see it in his eyes, the truth of what he said. But she could also see that he wanted the truth from her. He wanted her to tell him all the ways Josh hurt her, all the things he did to terrorize her. But she couldn't, she just couldn't do it. "It's late. You can stay the night if you want." She gave his shoulder a bump with her own. "Bunk on the couch."

It was tempting, really fucking tempting, but Jax shook his head. "Naw. Need to get back." He stood, part of him wishing she'd grab his wrist and pull him back down. "See you around."

"Yeah," Tara jumped to her feet. "Hey, listen, I shouldn't be telling you this."

"What?"

"Abel." She noticed the way his brow creased, the panic in his eyes. "It's looking, very much, like we'll be taking him out of the incubator in the next few days."

"Are you serious?" He tried to tell himself not to get his hopes up, but it flashed through him so quickly he couldn't stop it.

Tara nodded. "There's a few more tests that have to be run but…" A smile spread across her face. "Pretty soon you're going to be able to hold your son."

He was back across the room, lifting her up into his arms. "That's great. Thank you."

"Thank your son. He's a strong little man, Jax. And he wanted to live."

"God," It didn't seem like so long ago that he was convinced his son wouldn't make it through a night. That he was telling himself not to get attached, not to hold to the notion of being a father. "Have you told Gemma?"

"No. I haven't told anyone. Wasn't suppose to tell anyone." Because it felt way too good to be in his arms again, Tara stepped back. "But I thought you should know."

"Yeah," Jax stepped back as well, already missing the feel of her in his arms. "I guess I'll see you around then." She nodded, but said nothing. "Night, Tara."

"Night, Jax."


	10. The Pull

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**AN: Updated my profile to now include a picture of Tara and Alexei's house.**

**Chapter 8**

Growing up with Gemma, Jax had come to know her moods by just the set of her shoulders. So the charming grin that worked on her since childhood was on his lips before he even stepped into NICU nursery. She glanced up at him, then quickly glanced away. Yeah, she was good and pissed this time.

"Tara tell you? You're going to get to hold your grandson soon."

Gemma rolled her eyes. It was exactly the right note to hit. The boy was entirely too charming for his own good and much too aware of it. In so many ways he was still so young, so childlike despite the patch on his back. "Woke me up first thing this morning to tell me. What about you?"

"She told me last night." Jax caught the calculating look in his mother's eyes. "Don't. Niko wanted me to stay and play before he went to bed. Tara and I talked, then I left. Slept at the clubhouse. Alone."

"And that makes more sense to you than staying with the woman you love."

Shaking his head, Jax looked down at his son. He couldn't believe that after so many months he'd finally be able to hold him. When he woke this morning he'd been afraid that he'd dreamed it all, that Tara never told him Abel would be out of the incubator. But his eyes were barely open when his cell rang, Tara telling him that the any day timeframe she gave him was now today.

"How's she doing? With the whole thing with the Fed?"

"She's okay." Jax shrugged. "The guy's gone. She knows I wouldn't let anything happen to her."

"She also knows Hale feels the same way."

Jax's eyes were hard when he looked up at his mother. "No, he doesn't."

"Then why are you beating around the bush with this." Gemma pushed out of her chair to stand over the incubator as well. "This baby needs a mother."

"He has a mother." And he couldn't allow himself to think along the same lines as Gemma. Sometimes the thoughts crept up on him, there really was nothing he could do to stop it. But he couldn't intentionally allow his thoughts to go there.

"You really think that junky is what this baby needs." Gemma caught the look he cut her, but she ignored it. "You don't think Nikolai deserves a father."

"Tara's doing a real good job making sure he knows about his father." He didn't know why it bothered him. It _shouldn't_ bother him. It was only right, as Nikolai would have no memory of the Russian, that Tara do what she could to keep some part of the man around for their son. Jax just didn't like having that reminder around as he was very good at cancelling the Russian out of the equation completely. "She never asked me to be the little man's father."

"How was she going to do that when you were married to another woman? I know you think I'm meddling, but I just don't want to see you get hurt, baby."

"I'm not going to get hurt. Why would you think that?"

"Because you and Tara fall into this game of one-upmanship that only ever ends badly. And unless you two stop playing games, start acting like adults, it's only going to end the exact same way. With the both of you getting hurt."

Again Jax looked down at his son, but said nothing.

Gemma looked at her son. Tara was always the one area she just could not get through to him on. Unfortunately Tara was only slightly better. Not only were they stubborn, they were both just so damn spoiled that they didn't know how to deal with not getting what they wanted. And what they wanted, what they both always wanted, was each other. They did stupid things to show how much they didn't need each other. Lenny once said they were broken when they were apart and because of this, they broke other people trying to prove they weren't.

"You don't want to listen to me. Fine. Just sit back and watch as Hale swoops in to play daddy."

"Tara wouldn't let that happen. She's done with Hale."

"Don't be stupid." Gemma snapped. "Hale's heart has gone pitter-patter for Tara since you were kids. And now that they've been together, you really think he can go back to being her friend." When she saw the pain flash across his face, she pulled back. The plan had been to make him angry, territorial. Not hurt him. With a sigh, she reached out to take his hand. "I just want you to be happy, baby."

Jax smiled. "I know."

"You should go. Doctor said it might be awhile."

* * *

><p>"So everything work out with the renters?"<p>

"I've been here how long and it's just now occurring to you to ask me that."

"I've had shit, Tara, give me a break."

Tara was sitting in the middle of her living room, a basket of clothes sitting next to her. Her cell was sitting on the coffee table, the speaker on so that her hands could remain free. Nikolai was laying on his belly on the couch, face a study in concentration as he drew a picture. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, you know, club shit." Kozik's voice was dismissive. "Everything's fine. Now tell me what happened with the renters."

"Well they didn't sue me. There was a foreclosure a couple blocks over, so we got it cheap. I had to offer the first two month rent free for the inconvenience but…" She shrugged.

"You weren't sued."

"Exactly. So what's going on up there?" As much as Charming was home, she missed Tacoma. She missed the guys.

"Nothing much. Rip has an Old Lady now."

"You're shitting me. Who?"

They talked for the next twenty minutes. Kozik filling her in on the mundane every day things of the club. But it was those things that she missed. And she was glad that things were mundane, that no one she loved was hurt.

"Tell the guys I miss them."

Kozik scoffed. "I'll tell 'em you said hi. And what about me, do you miss me?"

"I miss you most of all, Scarecrow." And though her tone was joking, her words were sincere. "When are you coming down?"

"I'm trying to make the time, Princess. Listen I gotta go. Talk to you later. Bye, Nik."

Nikolai scrambled off the couch, leaning over the table until his mouth was pressed to the phone. "Bye, Kozzie." With a wide grin he snapped the phone shut.

Grabbing him around the waist, Tara pulled him into her lap. His small body jerked as she began to tickle him, blonde locks flying everywhere. "Why'd you hang up on Kozzie? Silly boy." She allowed him to scramble away from her before jumping to her feet to chase him. They made two laps around the house when there was a knock at the door.

"Knock, knock." Gemma called out as she stepped into the house.

"Yeah? Gemma?"

"It's me." She called back. Looking around she noticed the basket of clothes, it looked like Tara had folded maybe two shirts. She was willing to bet the basket had been sitting there most of the day. Tossing her purse onto the couch, she sat and pulled the basket over so she could get started.

"Hey."

"Hi, sweetheart." Gemma smiled as Tara walked out of the back of the house. Nikolai practically climbing over her back, his cheek pressed against hers, and a wild reckless smile lighting up his face.

"Gem!"

"Hi, baby." She held her arms out for Tara to lower the boy into her lap. Brushing her hand over the thick blonde hair, she kissed the dimple in his cheek. "His hair is as thick as yours. It could probably still get dark, you know."

"Now you sound like my dad."

"Lenny always was a smart man." Setting Nikolai back on his feet, Gemma went back to the basket of clothes.

"Oh, Gemma you don't have to do that."

"Someone has to." Although Tara wasn't as bad as Jax-she at least could be counted on to do her laundry-Gemma knew folding and putting them away was never Tara's strong suit. "And I don't mind doing it. I know how busy you are."

Tilting her head to the side, Tara's eyes narrowed on the other woman. She knew there was no way Gemma came over to fold her clothes. "What's going on, Gemma? Thought you'd be camped out at the hospital until they took Abel out of the incubator."

"Could say the same for you. Figured you'd want to be there for Jax and Abel."

"My shift starts in a few hours. If I can swing it, I'll be there."

Gemma's brow arched. "If you can swing it? Since when is family something you _swing_? Jax is going to hold his son for the first time. How can you not be there for that?"

"Jax wasn't there for me when I held my son for the first time." Tara snapped, hating herself almost immediately.

"How was that suppose to work, huh. Jax on one side, the Russian on the other."

Tara ran her hands over her face, she didn't want to fight with Gemma. She didn't want to fight at all. But it annoyed her to no end that they all insisted on referring to Alexei as the Russian. It was the way they said it, with such disdain, as if saying his name would give him more respect than what he deserved. "Can we not talk about this? And I didn't mean swing it like that. I have other patients, other responsibilities. But if I can be there for Jax and Abel, you know I will."

Gemma nodded as she went back to folding the clothes in the basket. "I know, baby."

Tara shifted her feet a bit, Gemma could always make her feel like a child. "I'm sorry I snapped."

"You're still on edge because of that son of a bitch fed." She began a pile of neatly folded T-shirts. "You ever going to tell me what happened with him."

"His superiors called him back to Chicago. He-"

"That's not what I meant and you know it. How many times did he put his hands on you?"

She didn't lie to Gemma, she couldn't. Tara didn't know what it was but she'd never been able to tell Gemma a convincing lie in her whole life. But this time she had to. Kohn was gone and she just couldn't get into that shit again. She didn't want to think about the times he would grab her and throw her around. Or the times his temper would snap and his hand would fly across her face. And she could not, absolutely refused to, think about the time he shoved her to the ground and tried to forced himself inside of her.

These things were behind her, they couldn't hurt her anymore. No good would ever come from Gemma or anyone else knowing. So for the first time she looked Gemma straight in the eye and she lied. "Just the once." Convincingly.

* * *

><p>As much as he tried to get over it, Jax couldn't get his mother's words out of his head. Despite everything else that was going on, he hadn't been able to stop thinking about Tara. He knew a lot of it had to do with finally being able to hold his son. Now that he was out of the incubator, Abel was even closer to coming home. And Jax started to wonder just what it was he would be bringing his son home to.<p>

An empty house, an overbearing grandmother, and father who didn't know what the fuck he was doing. Thanks to Gemma, Abel would have a nursery, a clean house but he wouldn't have a home. Jax thought the kid should have a home. Thought if he and Tara were together, if she and Nikolai lived with him, his house would be a home. Abel would have a family. But he and Tara weren't together.

He still felt like shit for believing Kohn. It was just that Tara's kid was a hot button issue for him. When he found out she went back to Tacoma after she finished med school, he convinced himself she was working her way back to him. Lenny's birthday, and fuck if he could remember how old the mand was turning but, Tara had decided to throw her father a huge party. Because of the number of charters that were showing up, Tara invited SAMCRO to come stay with her and Jax had very much considered leaving Wendy at home. Then he realized that Tara was inviting the club to stay with her at the home she shared with Alexei. In the end he had Wendy ride with his mother.

Looking back he realized she'd been different. She'd been uptight, jumpy as fuck, and anxious. At the time he chalked it up to the fact that it was the first time they'd seen each other since their weekend together. Now he knew better. Now he felt guilty as fuck for not realizing how much she needed him. Now, when there wasn't shit he could do about it.

Tara had met them at the clubhouse. Because a few other charters would be rolling in the next day, she wanted to have a bar-b-cue at her house with SAMCRO and the Tacoma boys. Clay and Gemma had already agreed to stay with her, but none of the boys had really committed to it. A lot of it had to do with wanting to go back to the clubhouse and getting drunk and fucking as many sweet butts as they could, but it also had to do with loyalty to him. But then they saw the house.

No, sorry, fucking mansion. Sprawling goddamn estate complete with pool, basketball court, and guest house. Shit, she put Clay and Gemma up in their own apartment inside the house. And everyone had decided to stay, Jax was sure they would have stayed even if Tara hadn't offered.

Wendy had been so fucking smug, making sly comments about being able to fit their house inside Tara's and still having room. Practically laughing at him as Tara showed them to a room on the opposite side of the house then where she and Alexei slept.

"What is this like the servants quarters?" Wendy scoffed.

Jax had watched as Tara's jaw clenched. "It's private."

"Wait," Wendy stopped, the hatred she always felt towards Tara shining through her eyes. "These _are_ the servants quarters. You're putting us up in the fucking servant quarters."

"Goddamn it, Wendy, will you please stop saying servant quarters." Tara had finally snapped, causing Jax to struggle with a grin. "We don't have a live in maid, so it's just another fucking room. I thought you'd want privacy. Shit."

"Hey," Jax had stepped forward, placing his hand on Tara's shoulder, unable to keep his fingers from grazing her neck. "It's cool. We'll take the room."

Jax didn't sleep in the room. After everyone had gone to bed, he went in search of Tara. Found her waiting up for him in the kitchen. It wasn't until he collapsed into the first bed he found sometime around dawn, that he realized how much he missed just talking to her. Not that anyone believed they spent the night just talking, but Jax didn't really give a shit about what anyone else thought.

He was just fucking happy to have her back, even if it was just as a friend, he was glad that she was there to reach out to again. Thought he could live with just her friendship. Believed it up until he found out she was having another man's baby. And no matter how he did the math, he could not make that kid his. And Tara didn't seem to be in any rush to hand him over either.

Dropping down onto the foot of his bed, Jax pulled out his cell. Dialing Tara's number without even having to look. They weren't together, but he still needed his friend. Needed Tara. The phone rang several times before she picked up.

"Shit. Hello."

Jax laughed, she was a bit breathless and he could hear the annoyance in her voice. "If I didn't know any better I'd think you always answered the phone that way."

"Jax, hey. Sorry, I stubbed my damn toe."

"Must of known it was me." His smile spread slowly as he lay back on the bed. "Couldn't wait to hear my voice."

"Baby, you get any more egotistical your head will explode."

"I happen to know for a fact you love my big head. And since you brought it up," Jax could practically hear her roll her eyes on the other end. "What are you wearing?"

"I was wearing a towel." Her voice dipped into something that kicked him right in the gut. "Now all I'm wearing is a few drops of water."

"Send me a picture."

"I'm old enough to know that never ends well."

"Talk to me, Tara." His voice sounded rough to his own ears. His dick already growing hard in his jeans. His heart hammering in his chest because she was just so fucking good at this. Back when they were younger, before she finally let him in her pants, this was how she kept him in line. They'd be somewhere and she'd let him get as far as filling his hands with her boobs before pushing him away, but she knew how to keep him happy. Curling up to his side to press her mouth to his ear and ease her hand down his pants. Her words alone were enough to have his eyes crossing in pleasure.

"Sorry, baby, I can't. My son and your mother are right up the hall in the living room."

"Fuck." Jax closed his eyes, but when he did all he saw was Tara standing naked before him. "You're killing me, babe. What is my mother doing there, anyway?"

"Besides folding my laundry, I'm not really sure."

"How's the little man?"

"Fine." There was a smile in her voice, there always seemed to be when she talked about Nikolai. "I have a late shift tonight at the hospital and an early shift in the morning so he's going to stay the night at Donna's. He's getting all his wild out here so he can go over there and be an absolute angel for her."

Jax laughed, if he didn't know the kid any better he'd think Tara was making Nikolai out to be a lot more diabolical than a two year old could actually be. But kid or no, Nikolai was way too fucking clever for his own good. "I think Donna's the only one he's got fooled."

"I think you're right. So, what's going on?"

Her voice became a bit distant, he could hear her moving around and figured she put him on speaker so she could get dressed. "I just wanted to call and make sure we were okay."

"Why wouldn't we be."

Jax gave an inaudible sigh of relief. It had been exactly what he needed to hear. "I should get going. I'll see you later?" He was asking more than that and he could only hope she knew it.

There was a pause. "I'll be there when you hold your son, Jax. I promise."

* * *

><p>He couldn't stop grinning like an idiot. Holding the substantial weight of his son for the first time, recalling how tiny he'd been, how sure he'd been that this day would never come. But here they were. Abel was staring at him with dark serious eyes, looking for all the world like he was asking <em>now what<em>. And really Jax had no clue what came next. What would come when it was time to take his son home? But not letting the unknown get him down, Jax continued to grin. Because he was finally able to hold his son and he was finally beginning to feel like a father.

* * *

><p>Hours later and Jax wasn't sure how he was feeling. It sure as fuck wasn't like a father. He should have known, should have fucking known that everything had gone too right today. Getting the money for the Irish, finally getting to hold his son, it all fell too perfectly. It was bound to go sideways. And fuck did it ever go sideways.<p>

Someone taking a shot a Clay. Tig pushing for war, Opie quietly backing him. Why didn't anyone see what was happening? See that going to war, rushing blindly into something they didn't fully understand was the bad move? He was afraid he wouldn't be able to stop Tig. Afraid to bring his son home if war started. And to make matters worse, they had asked him to bring Tara into it. Wanted him to bring her back to the clubhouse to take the slug out of the Irish's ass.

If someone was coming after SAMCRO and was ballsy enough to take a shot at Clay in public, they could very well go after anyone close to the club. He didn't care if Lenny told her everything, Jax didn't want her mixed up in club shit. So he got the supplies from her. Assured her it was nothing serious and that Chibs could handle it. And he said goodbye. Looked her in the eyes and basically told her she didn't belong in the club. That she made something different of herself and it was the way it should be. And what does she do? She looks at him, in a way she has only ever looked at him, and told him he was something different as well. She fucking wrecked him.

When he got her call-heard the tears and panic and fear in her voice-he almost jumped off his bike and ran back to her. Had to force himself to remain calm and get back to her safely. He forgot about Clay, forgot about the Irish with the slug in his ass, shit he forgot about the fact that someone might be out to kill him. He had to get back to her.

Seeing her that way, half dressed with blood on her fingers and smeared across her chest had really fucked him up. He couldn't think pass the way she looked, couldn't think pass the implications of her state of undress. Couldn't think pass the need to take the butt of the gun and beat Kohn to a bloody pulp. It was a feeling that only intensified when he saw Kohn, on the floor like the fucking rat he was, shirt off and bleeding from the gut. He was a fucking dead man. Had been dead the moment he fucking touched her.

Tara had pulled him back. She was shaking, scared, crying. He wanted to put her on a pair of jeans, get her in the Cutlass, and send her back to the clubhouse. Didn't want her around for what he knew he needed to do next. He tried to make her understand, convince her that killing Kohn was their only choice. But she freaked, the thought of Kohn coming back sending her into another round of hysterics that just fucking ripped right through him. What had the son of a bitch put her through?

Jax had to keep himself from squeezing her too tightly, force himself to focus on getting her calm and out of the house. But then Kohn spoke. Insulted her. Even bleeding from the gut continued to terrorize her. And Jax had just fucking snapped.

Now as he sat on the bed, gun cooling on the bedside table, Kohn dead in front of him, he couldn't take his eyes off Tara. She made a noise, this small helpless noise that just broke his heart. And Jax was afraid she wouldn't look at him again the way she had looked at him no more than twenty minutes ago.

* * *

><p>The kiss she planted on his lips seemed to surprise even her. But Jax heard what she was trying to say-<em>thank you<em>. He held her in place, searched her eyes, pleading-_I need you._ He pulled her in, brushed his lips with hers, but she jerked back-_I can't._ But Jax wouldn't let her go, held her tighter-_I can't fucking _not.

It broke her. Broke everything inside her to feel his lips on hers. It shouldn't be this way. Shouldn't feel so fucking perfect when everything was so _wrong_. But as his hands fisted in her hair, tongue seeking entrance into her mouth, she found herself not caring. She needed him, needed him so fucking bad it ached. So she pushed and he pulled and they fell back onto the bed. Tara crawled on top of him, keeping her mouth fused to his and she fought desperately to get his clothes off. She needed to feel him. All of him naked against her, buried inside her.

Jax considered tugging down his zipper, pulling her panties aside and just thrusting up into her. But it wouldn't be enough. He needed to get closer. Sitting up quickly, he began to tug frantically at his clothes. She pulled his cut over his head, carelessly dropping it on the floor behind her. He kicked off his shoes and socks, leaving her to deal with his jacket and shirt while he fought with the fly of his jeans.

It wasn't easy to shove his jeans down with Tara refusing to move. He had to place one hand on her ass to lift her up a bit as his other hand impatiently shoved his jeans down. His painfully hard dick sprang free of his boxers, slapping against the inside of Tara's thigh and causing her to moan low and long. She had his shirt and hoodie bunched up under his arms and with his jeans finally down Jax was able to lift his arms to help her remove them the rest of the way, but she only kept her mouth on his.

She couldn't stop kissing him, a shudder running down her spine at the feel of his tongue tangling with hers. Air was becoming a must, lungs burning from lack on oxygen, but she couldn't break away. It had been so long since the last time she was able to taste him this way. Felt him hard and ready against her thigh. She actually began to shake with the need to have him inside of her.

It took all the strength he had to push her away. She whimpered as their lips parted, clutching desperately at him to bring him back, and making Jax clumsy in his rush to get back to her. Once he got the shirt over his head she fought it the rest of the way off and just like his cut she tossed it over her shoulder. Hands going to her top, Jax popped the buttons off-tried not the think about the buttons already missing. Pulling it down off her arms he threw to the far corner of the room.

Reaching behind her back, Tara made quick work of the snap of her bra. Jax's mouth was on her breast before the bra even dropped to her elbows. Flipping her onto her back, Jax set back on his hunches, eyes traveling over her with the same reverence as his hands. He pressed a kiss between her breast, lips moving steadily lower until he reached her panties. His hands gripped the sides, Tara lifted her hips to help him ease them down but Jax gave the thin material a tug and snapped them right off her.

At this Tara reared up, pushing him to his back again so that she could straddle his waist. Lowering her mouth to his, she raised up slightly on her knees so that she could ease her hands between them. She gripped the base of his cock and with just the subtle shift of her hips she finally-_finally_-had him inside of her. Pushing back off his chest she lowered herself slowly onto him all the way. Loving the way he filled her-only the way he could fill her-so completely. Head falling back in pleasure, Tara began a slow grinding movement with her hips.

Jax gripped tightly at her hips, fighting to keep his eyes open and on her. Being inside Tara was like nothing in the world, she fit him so perfectly. He tried to savor the feel of her moving against, tried to keep his need to drive hard and deep into her in check. Tried as hard as he fucking could but it was a lost cause.

Moving quickly, he sat up. Holding her close to his chest, her legs wrapping around his waist. It took some maneuvering, and they never lost their rhythm, but he finally had her on her back. They were pressed so closely together Jax could have sworn she could feel his heart hammering in his chest. And being this close to her, enjoying how they lined up so well together, he was able to set a different pace.

Taking her hands in his he held them down near the top of her head, giving himself a little more leverage to drive just that bit deeper inside her. Somewhere in the back of his mind Jax knew how fucked up this situation was. Knew that they'd forever altered the balance of their lives. But it didn't matter. At the moment nothing outside of this bed mattered.


	11. Hell Followed

**I disclaim. I own nothing**

**AN: Okay, so I finally put everything for my fics in one place. So if you want to know what I imagine Dozer and Cas to look like just check the link in my profile.**

**Chapter 9**

She had to be the one to identify Alexei's body. Tara could still remember getting that call. She'd been in Northern Cali with her father, Alexei, Kozik, and Happy. Her father had suggested she head down to Charming, take Nikolai to visit Gemma. Tara hadn't argued because she wanted to see Jax and Gemma had been up her ass about not bring Nikolai around often enough. What she hadn't realized was that her father was trying to get her out of the way so he and Alexei could meet with Kohn. But she'd been so eager to see Jax, she hadn't asked questions.

Kozik and Happy had stayed with her, her father had insisted on it, and they had just barely pulled into the lot at Teller-Morrow when her cell rang. Gemma had come out to greet them, but Tara could only place Nikolai in her arms before hopping onto the back of Kozik's bike and racing off. When they got to the hospital, she was told she couldn't see her father. That he was in police custody. She didn't know what it was that had the nurse at the desk giving her what little information she could-Lenny had been shot, but he would recover-but Tara was grateful for even that.

It was while she was on the phone with Dylan, arranging for him to represent her father that she was approached by an ATF agent. He asked her to accompany him to the morgue, but he wouldn't meet her eyes. She hadn't understood, almost like her mind simply clicked off on her. Kozik went with her, holding her hand because he obviously understood more than she did.

Tara didn't remember moving through the hospital. The next thing she clearly remembered was standing in the cold impersonal morgue, she'd been placed in front of one of the body storage units, and it was at that point she started to understand. She knew what she would see when they opened the door. And still, she hadn't been prepared.

She'd seen cadavers before, worked on them with a cool detachment that a few squeamish classmates envied. When they pulled back the sheet, she didn't see a cadaver. She saw Alexei; her lover, her friend, the father of her child. She couldn't look at him. She tried to prepare herself, get into the same mindset she did when working on cadavers. But there was no detaching from this. No denying that she knew the body of the man in front of her.

Knew if they pulled the sheet just a bit lower, she'd see her name inked just under his right pectoral. That he had their son's name across his shoulders. She knew that he picked onions out of everything he ate, that he was violently allergic to shellfish. She knew he had a scar behind his left ear from a skateboard accident when he was kid.

She knew that his parents died when he was eight, that he came over from Russia with his uncle Victor two years later. Knew he worked to lose his accent because of how much the other kids teased him. She knew he wanted to take her and Nikolai back to Russia one day, show them the places he spent his childhood.

He loved her, even when she never gave him reason to. He loved Nikolai. Loved him in this big, ridiculous way she couldn't help but fall in love with. She knew he wanted to marry her. The night before they left for California he asked her, gave her a ring, told her he could be what she needed if she just gave him a chance.

She never gave him a chance. Had gone to Charming with the intention of throwing Alexei's proposal in Jax's face. To let him know that if he didn't get his shit together, she was going to marry someone else. And the guilt of that still weighed heavy on her shoulders

Now, as she put all her effort into scrubbing bits of Joshua Kohn out of her carpet all she could see was the body that had laid there. And think about how she didn't know Josh at all. She hadn't known the man that he became or truly was, only knew the one he pretended to be. When she looked at his body as Jax wrapped him up all she saw was the person who killed her child's father. And she hadn't been able to look away.

* * *

><p>"What…what are you doing?" Tara's eyes were narrowed, she felt like she was waking from a dream. Nothing made sense. Everything just felt so fucking strange. Not even Jax, standing next to her bed, seemed right. She saw the backpack in his hand and for a moment she didn't even understand what <em>that<em> was.

"I got some of Nik's things." Jax kept his eyes on the bag, he couldn't look at her. He heard just how lost she was in her voice. He couldn't bare to see it in her eyes. Didn't want to see her face the moment she decided to run. "He shouldn't…you can't stay here, Tara. Not now."

Right, Tara thought as she nodded. It wouldn't be a good idea to bring her baby home while a man's brains painted the wall in her bedroom. "I guess…we can stay with Gemma."

"She'll ask why you're not here." And he wasn't even entirely sure why he didn't trust his mother with this. All he knew was that he had to protect Tara. And the fewer people who knew about what they did, the better his chances of keeping her safe were. "My house is empty. You can stay there."

"Okay, I'll take a personal day." She felt better when she had a plan. She felt better with him here and she was no longer alone with her thoughts. "Get our stuff together and head over there." But she wasn't sure just how she'd face her baby. How was she suppose to look him in the eye knowing she killed a man.

* * *

><p>When Chibs said they needed a doctor for Cameron, Jax actually breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't want to hover around Tara, crowd her, scare her. But fuck he needed her. Needed her locked tight to his side to know she wouldn't run off on him.<p>

Gemma was pissed, at him and Tara. And Jax was almost grateful for that. As long as she was pissed she wouldn't be looking too close at them. Wouldn't be poking and prodding until she found out just what was wrong. When he said he'd go get Tara she only gave him a look that said he better bring his ass right back.

Jax had gone to his house first, but when he didn't see the Cutlass in the drive didn't bother going in. His next stop had been Op and Donna's, he figured she may have gone there to pick up Nikolai. But Donna told him she hadn't seen Tara since she dropped Nikolai off the night before. He was on his way to her house, confused on why she would even still be there when he realized who he was looking for.

Tara's mind always worked at a frantic pace, going over and through and around things in a way that would make anyone else dizzy. Shit, he never knew how she could stand it. But it made him realize that after what happened, with a mind that worked like hers, there was no way she'd be able to be alone. Tara would have to go to work.

When he found her at the hospital he meant only to see how she was doing and to ask her to come back to the clubhouse with him. But he found himself spilling his guts to her. The words tumbling off his lips without his permission. Although that tended to happen with Tara. His mother was right, something about her pulled at him. Always had and he was feeling more and more like it always would. So when she told him she wasn't going anywhere it was like he could breathe again.

* * *

><p>"My mom still mad at us."<p>

Tara stepped back as a few of the boys rolled the Irishman out of the chapel. Her neck, back, and shoulders were a little tight but she the physical discomfort was a welcome change compared to what was going on in her heart and mind. Gemma was out by the bar speaking to a croweater but shooting daggers their way. "Your mom is _pissed_ at us. She looks like she wants to hit me, Jax." And Gemma had never looked at her that way.

"Yeah, she's looking at both of us that way." Jax turned his gaze away from his mother and back to Tara. There were dark circles under her eyes, a tightness in her shoulders. "You wanna go lay down in my room?"

Tara shook her head. She didn't want to be alone. "I…I need to see Nicky." She needed to hold her baby in her arms.

He ended up following her. And like always, Tara was comforted by the sight of him on his bike in her rearview.

Donna and the kids were in the backyard when she got there. She couldn't help but to smile as Nikolai's laughter floated through the yard. He was on the swing, holding tight to the chains as Ellie pushed him. Her heart nearly stopped in her chest when Nikolai, having seen her, leapt off the swing before it came down.

"Mommy!"

Before he could wrap himself around her legs, Tara gathered him into her arms. When her arms tightened around him, Nikolai thought they were playing a game and tightened his arms around her neck as well. This is when he reminded her of Alexei. He was so fearless, so carefree. She loved that he was so unaware of the world they lived in. Knew what her father and Gemma felt as she swore to keep him from any and everything that could cause him harm.

Kohn would have hurt him. He hated any man he even suspected she cared for more than him. Didn't matter if Kohn continued to believe that Nikolai was his son or broke free of his delusion long enough to realize he couldn't be Nikolai's father. The simple fact was she love Nikolai more than she ever loved a single thing in her entire life. Kohn would have eventually seen that.

But even knowing all of that, Tara didn't know how to live with what she's done.

"Hey," Donna approached her friend carefully. There was something about the way Tara was clinging to her son that worried her. And there was a look in her eyes that didn't make her feel better at all. "You okay?"

Tara tried a smile, failed. "Yeah." Wondered if she'd ever be okay again. Would this get easier? Did she want it to? "Just tired."

"Opie told me about the fed." Wrapping an arm around Tara's shoulder she lead her over to the small table and chairs. "I figured you've been thoroughly lectured by everyone about keeping that to yourself, so I won't yell at you like I really want."

"Piney's still not talking to me." Tara mumbled softly. Nikolai was growing restless in her arms, anxious to get down and go play. Reluctantly, she set him on his feet. Watched as he ran full speed at Kenny.

"Well you didn't send him up to the cabin, so that's gotta be worth something." When Tara only shrugged, Donna leaned forward on the table. "You can talk to me. I can see something's bothering you. Talk to me, Tara."

She wanted to. God how she wanted to open her mouth and let the whole story spill from her lips. But it would have been a horrible position to put Donna in. Not to mention a betrayal to Jax that she just could not do. "I'm just tired."

Donna didn't really believe that, but she knew Tara. There was no point pressing her. "Why don't I keep Nik another night? You're off tomorrow, sleep in, get some rest."

Tara thought she should decline the offer. But she knew in her current state she'd be of no use to her son. And the more she thought about it the more she realized she couldn't stay at Jax's house, not the house he bought for and shared with another woman. Especially one he was technically still married to. So she decided she'd stay at the clubhouse. And she couldn't take Nikolai back there, not tonight when everyone was coming in. "You don't mind."

"Of course I don't." Donna watched as Tara stood up and for a moment it looked like she wasn't even sure what she was suppose to be doing. She wanted to ask, again, what was going on. Demand that Tara talk to her, but she knew it was useless. It was one of the things she hated about the club, about the life her friends and husband grew up in, it made them proficient in keeping things from her. On some level she knew they did it to protect her and if she were being honest, she didn't want to know. But she knew a lot of the times they did it out of habit. "Tara-"

"I need a shower"

Tara spoke as if the thought suddenly occurred to her. Like the thoughts were running so fast and furious through her head she tossed out the first one she could latch onto. And Donna was struck with the overwhelming urge to pull her friend into her arms and hang on to her. "Okay. You can use mine and Op's."

"Thanks."

As Tara walked away, Donna turned to look at the children. And not for the first time wondering if raising Ellie and Kenny in the same environment that Opie, Jax, and Tara had been raised in was for the best.

* * *

><p>By the time Tara got back to the clubhouse it was an absolute madhouse. She caught sight of Jax easy enough, she never had any trouble finding him in a crowd, sitting at the picnic table with the rest of SAMCRO. By the looks on everyone's face she knew they were discussing business so she knew not to approach them.<p>

"Princess!"

She heard the shout even over the noise, new the voice as well as any other, so was not surprised when she was lifted off her feet and into a pair of well muscled arms.

Bill 'Dozer' Harris was probably one of the most aptly nicknamed men Tara had ever known as he was larger than any two grown men put together. He was the current president of the Tacoma charter, having been personally groomed for the position by her father. He was maybe a few years younger than Clay, but physically in better shape than anyone. Despite being fully immersed in the club, he had always treated his body like a temple. He didn't drink, didn't smoke, and worked out like a fiend. She once saw him pick a full grown man up with one hand and fling him across the room for talking shit about his lifestyle choices. Needless to say, no one had done that again.

"Billy." Tara's arms went around his neck. Over his shoulder her eyes scanned the crowd for Kozik. Although part of her wanted and needed her best friend, another part was afraid that Kozik would take one look at her and see exactly what she'd done.

Dozer set Tara back on her feet, his large hands coming up to frame her face. "Happy told us about that fuck showing up here." His voice was every bit as deep and rough as would be expected of a man of his size. But he always gentled it for her. "You okay?"

Tara was struck with the overwhelming urge to breakdown in tears. It took nearly all her strength to keep her shit together. "Yeah. His superiors called him back to Chicago. According to one of the sheriffs here, he's done."

"Good. When are you coming home?"

Fortunately, Tara was saved from having to answer that question. Unfortunately, it was with a surprise full body tackle. And this greeting was as familiar as Dozer's, though as she was spun around at a dizzying pace didn't hold the same sort of comfort. Castor 'Cas' Howard, criminally charming and almost painfully handsome, was the VP from Tacoma. And third only to Happy and Tig as the single most violent man she'd ever known. But he had a fun and affable veneer that made him far scarier.

"Pretty girl."

Despite her mood Tara couldn't help but laugh as he placed a series of wet playful kisses on the side of her face and neck. "Cas, stop it.

"But I missed you." He dropped her to her feet, gave her a charming grin before pulling her tight to his side in a hold that was more headlock than anything else.

"When I left you said you were glad to be rid of me?"

Cas' arm tightened around her neck. "At the time I was."

"Don't listen to him." Dozer shook his head. "He started missing you and the kid the second you pulled away from the clubhouse."

"Where is little bad ass?"

With Dozer and Cas there was a familiarity and easiness that she missed. If the boys of SAMCRO were Gemma's guys, the boys in Tacoma had been Tara's. But the relationships weren't entirely the same. Although all had considered Tara their queen most remembered her as a little girl, more than a few grew up along side her, and her relationships in the club mirrored this. The men who watched her grow up tended to spoil and fuss over her while the ones she grew up with were teasing and playful.

"I really have missed you guys."

Cas grinned, dimples furrowing deeply in his cheeks. "Then come home. That fucker Kohn is gone, what are you still doing here?" A frown creased his brow. "Oh, right."

Tara turned to see what had caught Cas' attention. Jax was standing a few feet away from them and if the look on his face was any indication, he heard every word spoken between her and Cas.

* * *

><p>"I'm not leaving."<p>

Leaning against his bike, Jax kept his arms crossed over his chest but said nothing. The Tacoma charter had always acted as if Tara belonged to and with them. He didn't like how they behaved as though she was _their_ queen even when she had been _his_ Old Lady. "You don't think I know Dozer and Cas aren't the only ones asking you to go back. They know Kohn is gone now, pretty soon Kozik is going to start bringing it up every time you talk to him." The way she averted her gaze told him she knew what he said was true. "Tacoma has always been your home base. And you've always chosen them over SAMCRO."

Tara's eyes hardened. "Don't do that. You have _no_ right to do that. You asked me not to go anywhere."

"I asked you not to go to Chicago, look how fucking well that worked out."

"You never asked, you demanded." She wanted to tell him how she was going to stay, how she'd chosen him over med school. But there would be no point to it now. She could blame it on him, throw Wendy in his face and tell him how he was the one to ruin things. But the truth was, once her father made that speech, once she realized how much her going to med school meant to him-whether Wendy had been in picture or not-she'd have done what her father wanted. "We need to move past that, Jax. It doesn't matter now anyway. I meant what I said earlier. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

Arms falling to his side, Jax moved closer to her. "I know." But he just wasn't sure how long she'd stay.

* * *

><p>The next morning Tara couldn't say she was terribly surprised to find herself cornered by Gemma. She knew it was coming sooner or later. To be honest she was glad to get it out of the way.<p>

"I heard Jax telling the prospect to have all that shit cleared out of your room this morning."

Tara nodded as she poured herself a cup of coffee. She knew he wasn't particularly happy about it. If she wouldn't stay at his house, he wanted her to at least stay in his room at the clubhouse. But Tara had already spent too many nights away from her baby, she couldn't leave him at Donna's until they could go back home. It wouldn't be fair to displace Jax from his own bed. So taking her room at the clubhouse for the next few days was best for everyone involved.

"What's going on?" Gemma asked casually.

"Mold." Tara answered simply, focusing on her coffee to avoid looking at Gemma. "It's pretty bad. Got someone to take care of it, but Nicky and I have to be out of there while they do."

It was clear from the look on her face that Gemma wasn't buying any of it. "You sure it doesn't have anything to do with you and Jax bumping pelvises again." Off Tara's shocked look, Gemma rolled her eyes. "You both are practically fucking glowing this morning."

Tara nodded but said nothing.

"Why don't you stay at his house? It's got to be better for Nik there than here."

"I can't stay there. Technically it's still Wendy's."

Gemma scoffed. "Nothing of Jax's is still Wendy's. Not his house, his name, or his son." She gave Tara a pointed look. She could push here where she couldn't with Jax. Tara was always thinking a hundred steps ahead, where Jax lived moment by moment. Gemma thought if she could get Tara looking towards the future, towards what she and Jax could have with their boys, Tara would in turn get Jax on the same page. "You think that junky is going to be of any use to Abel, to Jax. You don't think I know you spend every free minute you have at the hospital with Abel."

Of course she knew. Gemma knew every goddamn thing.

When Tara remained quiet, she had to fight the urge to roll her eyes. "You and Jax, that's the way it's always been meant to be. Give your boys the family they deserve."

"I can't think about this now, Gemma."

"Well you better start, because we both know Jax isn't." Gemma softened her tone as she placed her hand on Tara's shoulder. She gave a nod out towards the clubhouse. "This isn't you, baby. And this isn't what you want for your boy."

"I can't…Wendy isn't gone, Gemma. That's her son, her house. Jax hasn't told me he wants any of those things with me. I can't just assume that he does." Because if it turned out he didn't, if Wendy came back and he tried to make his marriage work, it would kill her. She couldn't do it to Nikolai. Couldn't put Jax in his life, not knowing if he'd stay.

"I know my son. And you know him, too. You have to get this together Tara, before it spends out of your control." And Gemma knew better than anyone just how quickly that could happen.


	12. Better Half

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**Chapter 10**

With his Teller-Morrow work shirt clutched in his hand, Jax made his way from his room in the clubhouse down to Tara's. Her and the little man had been at the clubhouse for four days now. He liked having them close. But every night he left her room to go sleep alone in his, he thought about how much better it would have been if they had been in his house. Or just some place where he and Tara could share a bed every night. He didn't even mind sharing his bed with the little man. The other night Tara had to work late and Jax had ended up watching Nikolai for her. It had been pretty cool. The little man was a ball of energy and fun. And Jax had no problem getting him settled down for bed. Actually, he thought he did a pretty damn good job of making sure the kid was bathed and in bed on time.

Now it didn't really matter because they were going back to Tara's place. And Jax wasn't sure if there was something he should be doing about that.

"Nikolai Janowitz,"

Jax could hear Tara's voice through the door, although there was a hint of amusement in her voice he could tell she was a little exasperated.

"Mommy, I want Axe! Axe, Mommy!"

With a laugh, Jax gave her door a quick rap with his knuckles.

"Who is it?"

"Me."

"Axe!"

Jax didn't have to wait long for Tara's door to swing open and the grin stayed in place at the sight of her. She was in a short purple robe that had fallen open exposing a sexy black bra and panty set. Placing a hand on her hip, he leaned in to give her a quick kiss before stepping into the room. He was barely in the room when Nikolai, hair still wet from his bath and in nothing but a pair of little boxers with a car racing across the back, charged at him and wrapped his arms around his legs.

"What's up, little man? You giving your mom a hard time?" Jax lifted Nikolai off his feet.

"It's how he entertains himself." Tara lifted Nikolai out of Jax's arms and carried him to the bed. Now that Jax was in the room, her son had stopped fighting her as he was content to babble excitedly to Jax. But even though he stopped fighting her, Tara had a hell of a time getting his jeans on.

From his seat at the foot of the bed, Jax continued to nod as he could only make out every third word of what the kid was saying. "Is he like this every morning?"

"No. New place, he's just excited. Don't get me wrong, he can have his mornings but they usually don't happen four days in a row." Picking two shirts up off the bed, Tara held them up for him to pick which one he wanted to wear. Much to her everlasting pride he picked his UC San Diego shirt. "Besides he goes down so well for naps and at bedtime it's kind of hard to complain."

When she finally released him, Nikolai stood up on the bed, jumping up and down a few times before launching himself into Jax's arms. And Tara had to turn away as Jax laughed and tossed him back onto the bed. Whenever she watched Nikolai play she worked hard to refrain from uttering statements like 'it'll be a miracle if he makes it to five'. But damned if it didn't run through her mind. Her son was a little wild man and every male figure in his life went out of their way to celebrate it.

"Jax, please."

"Come on, Tara, I'm not gonna hurt him. The little man is tough." And Jax didn't know if Nikolai was trying to prove his point or give Tara a heart attack, but this time he took a running start before throwing himself into Jax's arms. "See."

Tara could only roll her eyes as Nikolai wrapped an arm around Jax's neck, looking like he was trying with all his might to put Jax in a strangle hold. Jax, having realized this, flung both himself and Nikolai onto the bed where he allowed the toddler to put a first class beating on him. They were both laughing, blonde hair flying everywhere, and Tara thought it may be a good idea to limit the amount of time the two of them spent together.

* * *

><p>Whatever good mood Tara may have been in took a steep nosedive the moment she walked into the home of her two oldest friends and found one of them packing.<p>

"Donna?"

Almost like a thief caught in the middle of looting, Donna stopped dead in her tracks and turned to Tara with a guilty expression. "Hey,"

Donna and Opie had been together longer than any two people Tara had known, including Clay and Gemma. They were high school sweethearts who made a young marriage work, they had two beautiful children that Donna did a fantastic job raising while Opie had been away. And Opie was busting his ass to provide for his family, to do better by them. They loved each other, had always loved each other in this sweet steady way that Tara sometimes envied. They couldn't be breaking up, she refused to believe they could be breaking up. "Taking some stuff to storage?"

Something about the look on Tara's face, the denial written there, made the situation all the more real to Donna. She didn't want to cry, she couldn't cry when she was making the right decision for her kids. Maybe if she didn't still love Opie, maybe if she even hated him, this could be so much easier. "I'm going to my parents house, just until I get back on my feet."

"But," Tara wanted to tell her she couldn't do that. That Opie needed her. That _she_ needed Donna and Opie to work. When everything else blew to hell in her life, Opie and Donna were always a constant. But she knew that was selfish, that this wasn't even in the least bit about her. "That's so far away." She wanted to ask how Opie was suppose to see his kids, how they were suppose to get to know their dad, if they were living in another town. But that just didn't seem wise. "You know…you're always welcome to come stay with me."

The smile Donna sent her was a little watery and she was desperate to cling to the rope her friend tossed her. But she had to put distance between her and Opie. She just had to. "You don't have the room."

"I do. I can put Nicky in with me, the kids can go in his room. There's a pullout in the office where you can stay." She was reaching, they'd be tripping all over each other and getting on one another's nerves before the week was out. "Or Jax's, his place is empty. He won't mind you and the kids staying there."

"Tara…"

"Opie loves you so much Donna." She didn't want to do this, knew it wasn't fair to Donna, but she had to try. "The guy doesn't even know what to do without you. If he knows you're this serious-"

"He knows Tara."

"Give him a chance to fix this."

Donna shook her head as if shaking away Tara's words. "I have to give my kids a chance."

* * *

><p>Tara ended up taking Nikolai to the hospital with her. St. Thomas didn't have what could be called a formal daycare, but the hospital did have a play area for children that was fully staffed and a lot of employees had taken to leaving their kids there. Tara didn't like it, she didn't know a single person that worked there, had not been able to check credentials, but it was short notice and she couldn't leave him with Donna. She was just glad it would only be for a few hours as Gemma offered to come pick him up and take him home with her. She stayed on edge, and made several stops in the play area, until Gemma arrived. Thinking about how Jax, Opie, and Donna would respond to her behavior brought a bittersweet ache to her chest.<p>

She didn't understand how Opie and Donna couldn't make it work. Struggled between blaming Opie for not doing the one thing he promised Donna he would or blaming Donna for asking a man to change what he was when she married him. In the end she couldn't blame either of them. Circumstances had gone beyond their control, there was nothing they could do about it. But it scared her, scared her to think that two people as solid as Opie and Donna were splitting up.

There was a time she wanted what they had. When she and Jax would be in the middle of one of their passionate breakdowns, when it hurt to be together but killed them to be apart. She wished they had been more like Opie and Donna. She and Jax had been intense from the word go. They wanted every bit of each other, demanded everything of one another. Loved in this maddening way that could drain the life out of the people around them. They couldn't go an hour without being together.

It was in those times, when she found herself desperate to get to Jax to be with him before she went crazy, that she'd look at Opie and Donna and want what they had. She'd see the way they were okay with each other, see how they loved each other in a tangible real world kind of way that she wished she could get with Jax. Because even as a teenager she knew what Opie and Donna had would last, while what she and Jax had would likely kill them both.

"Morning, Dr. Knowles."

The bright, overly cheery voice pulled Tara out of her thoughts. "Morning, Liz. What are you doing here this time of day?"

"I switched to days. Those swing shifts were just destroying my system."

Understanding that, Tara nodded. Walking to the sink she began to wash her hands. Just over her shoulder she could look into the nursery. Abel was awake, and having fought his way out of his blanket, his little arms and legs were moving in every which direction.

"I saw your little boy here earlier with his grandma." The young nurse stood at the sink besides Tara. "He's such a sweetie."

Tara frowned a moment. If the grandma thing hadn't thrown her off the 'sweetie' definitely did. Her baby could hardly be called sweet. "Sorry?"

"Nikolai. He introduced himself and it was the cutest thing." Liz grinned as she dried her hands. "He came in with Mrs. Morrow, she said she wanted him to see his little brother."

"Wait," Now Tara was thoroughly confused. "Gemma came by with Nikolai saying she was bringing him to see his little brother. Those were the words she used?"

"Yeah."

Tara had to bite back an irritated sigh, it was just like Gemma to go around making things the way she wanted. It really shouldn't have been a surprise. She'd tell everyone in town that Abel and Nikolai were brothers. She'd say it so free and easy everyone who spoke to her would think it the truth.

Tara knew she was going to have to talk to Gemma about it, though. What she was doing, no matter her reasons, was not fair to Nikolai. Tara didn't know where she and Jax were going. If they would even work out. She couldn't have Nikolai growing attached to a family that wasn't his. It would break his heart.

"Nikolai was actually pretty excited about it until Gemma picked Abel up." Liz continued. "Then he kind of just squatted down next to her chair with his hands buried against his stomach."

Now that, Tara thought, was her baby. "That's his _I'm not going to break anything_ position." And she thought it was utterly adorable that he'd do it around Abel. He must have been nervous out of his mind being around something so small.

"I wish I could remember the way he said Abel. It was almost like belly."

Tara laughed because she had heard him say Abel's name and for some reason it came out _Ably. _Walking into the nursery she went directly to Abel's bassinet. "You met my Nikolai today, huh, little man." She smiled at the baby as she lifted him into her arms and carried him to the examination table. "You don't know this but he's been here to see you several times already." As she continued his examination she couldn't help but wish she'd been here when Nikolai finally saw Abel out of the incubator. He was always so amazed when he saw the baby.

"He's doing so well,"

"He is." Tara agreed as she wrapped Abel tightly in the receiving blanket the way he liked. It was the same way she wrapped Nikolai up when he was baby, just thinking about when he was this small caused a familiar ache. It just seemed like he was growing up so fast on her. Shaking off the feeling and the need to go to Gemma's and wrap Nikolai up in a blanket, she carried Abel back to his bassinet. He started to fuss a bit when she laid him down. "It's okay, Abel." She placed her hand over his chest, giving him the contact the craved. And she couldn't help but to smile down at him, in return he gave her his full attention.

But all too soon the moment was broken, Tara felt like she was being watched. Keeping her mood neutral she turned to see a blond woman standing at the window. Tara recognized right away that the woman was law enforcement. A fed of some sort she was willing to bet.

"Liz," Tara removed her hand from Abel's chest and immediately the baby began to fuss. "Take over here for me."

* * *

><p>"Dr. Knowles? Agent Stahl, ATF. Can I have a moment of your time?"<p>

Even though thoughts of Kohn's body having been found and her baby growing up without her ran fast and furious through her mind, Tara made sure to keep the panic off her face. "Yeah, sure."

"It is Dr. Knowles, isn't it? Or are you back to Janowitz now?"

"Knowles." Tara answered as she lowered herself onto the couch besides the agent. There was something about this woman she didn't like. Maybe because she was ATF and Kohn and his superiors had pretty much assured she never like another ATF agent. Or maybe it was because the woman was looking at her like she knew some secret Tara didn't and was just waiting for her to walk into some unforeseen trap.

"I'm just trying to get an understanding of your situation. Your mother died when you were nine, your father came and took you away. Raised you in Tacoma. You graduated high school two years early at which point you moved back to Charming where you worked part time at Teller-Morrow while attending community college in Oakland. When you got as far as you could go you transferred to UCSD where you graduated with honors, top of the class at Loyola med. Did your internship at Chicago Presbyterian. Then it was on to Seattle's Children's where you began your residency. Really very impressive."

Not entirely sure exactly what Agent Stahl's game was, Tara nodded. "Yeah, I know. I was there."

"And now you're here, at St. Rednecks." Stahl gave a slight smile, shrugged, but didn't give Tara a chance to respond. "I must admit you are a very fascinating study. Young woman, growing up in the environment you did. A little spoiled, a lot wild. Above average intelligence. But your taste in men…" She shook her head, looking over notes she didn't need. "Attached at the hip to the biker prince. A little dalliance with a fed. A child with the Russian mobster. One of these things is not like the other."

"Alexei," Tara began with a calmness she didn't feel. She didn't like that this woman knew so much about her. "Was a financial planner."

"Alexei's uncle is known criminal Victor Putlova."

"And yet Alexei graduated, with honors, from Stanford. Where he received his degree in finance." Tara gave a polite smile she thought Gemma would be proud of.

"Well, I guess you would know better than me, seeing as how you were engaged to him."

That one caught Tara off guard and she allowed the shock to register on her face.

"Relationship to the deceased." Agent Stahl held up one of the many papers Tara had to sign when she identified Alexei's body. "You signed it Fiancé."

"Excuse me, Agent Stahl, but do you mind if I ask what it is you want with me. I have patients. Even those here at St. Rednecks deserve my care."

"Didn't mean to keep you from all this bustling activity." Stahl gave a bored look around the quiet hospital. "Quick question. Do you know of any criminal activity the Sons might be involved in?"

Tara appeared to be giving it some thought. "No."

Stahl studied her face a moment. "See, that was easy." She started to stand up. "I don't know if you are aware of this but your father has been released from solitary. It seems the guard he attacked was in possession of some very racy pictures of you. Apparently he showed them to Lenny to get a rise out of him, it worked. But under the circumstances-having a daughter himself-the warden was very understanding of Lenny's reaction."

"I was contacted by my father's lawyer." Tara gave a good natured shrug. Every part of her body ached from keeping her emotions in check. "Seems neither of us had any new information for the other today, agent."

"So it seems. You know, Kohn showing up here…he kind of proved your father's case. And not doubt the picture fiasco was him. Good lawyer could use that as reasonable doubt. Too bad Lenny already copped to the gun charges."

"My father was afraid for my life. He wanted me to have a gun, something to protect myself. It may have been foolish, certainly irresponsible, but he just could not wait to go through the proper channels."

The corners of Stahl's mouth hitched up. "I'm sure his lawyer can't wait to put you up on stand. However, you ask me, I'd say that's a lot of time to be putting in the hands of a jury Your father is an old man, anytime is too much time. It's possible I could work a deal out for him. He'd be out in time for his grandson's first day of school."

"What would I have to give you in return?" Tara had seen the calculating look in the agent's eye. Something about the woman reminded Tara of Kohn. Or maybe she just no longer trusted the feds.

"Just the tiniest bit of information on SAMCRO, maybe something that just didn't sit quite right with you. Even something old I can take back to my superiors, show I was doing my job."

Tara had a lot of things she wanted to tell Agent Stahl to take back to her superiors, but again she stayed quiet a moment as if giving her words a lot of thought. Then she gave a helpless almost frustrated shrug. "I'm sorry I can't be more help."

"Well, if you think of anything." Stahl held out a card to Tara before getting up to leave.

"Agent Stahl," Tara called before the woman could leave. "What is it that you're looking for?"

"Like I said, just something to take back to my bosses. Speaking of, Kohn never got off the plane in Chicago. Appears to be MIA."

Tara knew her fear registered in her eyes, but she didn't think that was necessarily a bad thing. The man who stalked her and murdered her child's father was allegedly on the loose. And she thought it worked as Agent Stahl studied her a moment before walking away, apparently not receiving the reaction she was looking for.

* * *

><p>"You guys know I love her as much as anyone," Tig began, thumb flicking at the lit cigarette between his fingers. "But the princess is the reason ATF is here in the first place."<p>

Clay waved Tig's words off before Jax could jump in and send the meeting spiraling out of control. "I'm not worried about Tara."

"You don't have to worry about Cherry, either." Half-Sack spoke up confidently. "She won't talk."

"Willing to bet your top rocker on that, Prospect."

"Tara's the daughter of a first nine." Piney spoke up, seemingly offended that the prospect would place his sweet butt in the same category as Tara. "She won't rat, Lenny's drilled that into her head since before she could talk."

"What about if they use her old man?" Unser threw out cautiously. "He's looking at some hard time. Her information for his freedom."

"Wouldn't be freedom." Bobby explained. "It would fucking kill Lenny if she ratted. And the old man's approval means everything to her. Tara ain't saying shit."

"Besides," Jax leaned forward in his seat. "Apparently that fed showing up here helped Lenny's case. Tara said his lawyer is pretty confident Lenny won't be facing hard time." What he didn't tell his brothers was that Kohn _disappearing_ helped Lenny's case even more. Kohn was the only eye witness to the murders. Now his recent behavior as well as his disappearance brought his entire statement into question.

Sitting back in his chair, Jax tried to stay focused on the conversation. But he was worried about Tara. Something was going on in that head of hers. He could practically see the wheels turning. Over the years he got pretty adept at figuring out just where her head was. But when her head was swimming with things, as it seemed to be now, it was hard to figure her out.

What Jax did know was that he couldn't crowd her on this. If Tara felt pressured, she'd run. If he tried to nail her down, get her to tell him what she wanted, she'd pull away from him. And if he told her what he wanted, that he not only wanted her back in Charming but wanted her completely in his life, she'd shut down. But he was afraid that if he gave her too much time, too much space, her head would fill with all kinds of doubts and he'd end up losing her anyway.

As Clay called the meeting to a close, Jax walked out of the chapel no more sure of what to do with Tara than he'd ever been. She was so contradictory in nature. It was that very thing about her that had him going so crazy over her, it was also the very thing that drove him so crazy about her.

"So, Tara and the kid are going back tonight?"

Jax looked up from his beer to his best friend. "Yeah."

"They're just going home. The way you look, think they were going back to Tacoma."

Opie's words were like a punch to the chest. Tara promised him she wasn't going anywhere and he wanted to believe her. But she promised to come back to him once before. And that hadn't gone as planned at all. "I know."

"You know there's nothing stopping you from going with her. You and Tara make shit more difficult than it really has to be."

Finally catching to tone in his best friend's voice, Jax's brow knotted in a frown. "Everything okay, bro?"

"Donna's leaving me. Packing up my kids and going back to her fucking parents house."

Now Jax felt like shit, wallowing in his own self pity because Tara was confusing him when his best friend was losing his family. And he hadn't known, hadn't even seen it. "Shit, bro, I'm sorry."

"Yeah," But Opie seemed at a loss for words, actually seemed at a loss on what he was feeling. And without another word he stood up and walked out of the clubhouse.

Jax watched his friend go. He didn't go after him because he just didn't know what to say to him. Instead he went back to Tara's room, packing up her stuff so she had one less thing to do tonight. He always loved how her room felt so different from all the others in the clubhouse. It was pretty much the same as all the others, dark wood, bed, dresser. But it didn't _feel _as dark as the others.

Unlike his own bed, hers was neatly made with bright yellow sheets-she never slept under anything heavier. The wall above her bed was a collage of photos, mostly of the guys in Tacoma. He'd gotten upset about that once, but she told him it was because she missed them while she was in Charming.

"Besides," She'd told him. "Most of the pictures are of my dad."

Which was true and why he always insisted that if they fooled around they did it in his room. Something about working his hand down her jeans with her old man watching over them, so to speak, killed the mood.

Going to the dresser his eyes moved over the pictures tacked to the mirror. Mostly all the ones there were of the two of them, more than a few featured Opie and Donna. Back then, as tense as things could get between them, they were just so much simpler. Didn't matter if they were fighting, if she was pissed at him, as long as she was with him things always worked themselves out.

Jax never even minded their fights, since it always lead to intense make up sessions. But more, to him their fights were just part of what made them…_them._ They could fight and make up in the same breath. Or they could fight until they were both red in the face and breathless only to make up without speaking a single word to one another.

But more than that, it was who they were together. She calmed something in him and he released something in her, so that they found a balance together. He always thought that was why they needed to be together because they only made sense when they were together. Because they simply got each other.

Now there was some part of herself that she was holding back from him. And he didn't know how to get her to open up to him.

* * *

><p>Walking into the house behind Tara, Jax had been unable to take his eyes off her. He thought how she reacted here would tell him everything he needed to know about just where they were going. Nikolai was on his shoulder, fast asleep, Sack was parked outside the house waiting for him in the van but Jax was in no hurry. He stopped by Nikolai's room, laid him down gently in the bed and removed his shoes-Gemma had already changed him into his pajamas-and pulled the covers over him.<p>

Tara had stayed in the doorway, watching the man she always loved taking care of the most important man in her life. Seeing the two of them together always twisted her up inside. But guilt was always the emotion that won out over the others. Because Alexei had been and, she had no doubt, would have continued to be a good father. And because of her he wouldn't be around to watch their son grow. As much as she wanted to, she didn't know how to make up for that.

Turning from Nikolai's bed, Jax noticed the look on her face. "You okay?"

Tara nodded, but turned to head to her own room before Jax had time to ferret out every thought in her head.

"I can stay." Jax offered as he followed her into her bedroom.

She could still see it, see _him_. The blood splattered on her wall, soaked into her carpet. But she saw it whenever she closed her eyes, would see it no matter where she was. "No, I gotta be okay here, you know."

Jax nodded, tried to be okay with that. He wanted her to need him, wanted her to want him here with her. "Yeah. I gotta go." Before he ended up pressing until she gave in. And it wouldn't be the same.

Even if she wanted to do this herself, wanted to be able to be here and get through a night alone, it didn't mean Tara wanted him to leave her just yet. Didn't mean she didn't need him to hold her for just a little while. "What would have happened if you'd had just waited for me? If you hadn't married Wendy?"

It wasn't something he liked to think about. He and Tara fucked up so many times over the last eleven years. "I don't know Tara what would have happened if you didn't go so far away to med school. If you'd have just come back with me to Charming after our weekend together."

"Maybe I wouldn't have killed someone." At least that would be the case if she'd never gone to Chicago. Anything other than that she didn't have a clue.

"You didn't." It was important to him that she remembered that. Not just to stress that as far as everyone was concerned Kohn had gone AWOL. But he didn't want her to think of herself as a murderer. Didn't want her to shoulder that burden. "You're gonna get passed this. You won't feel like this forever. Honestly, Tara."

For some reason that didn't make her feel better. She didn't want to get to the point where taking a man's life no longer bothered her. What would that make her if she was no longer bothered by that? "Gemma thinks we need to talk. Figure out where this thing is going."

"That what you want?"

"What is this?" The words rushed out of her when she wanted so much to be calm. When really, she had no intention of having this conversation. "Is this just about the Kohn thing? What do you want?"

"I want you to stop listening to my crazy meddling mom and get some sleep." If she just told him what she wanted. If he could just be sure she was sticking, that he wasn't losing her, everything would be so much better. He could give her what she was looking for. But he couldn't open himself up like that, not again, only for her to rip him apart again.

"We can't keep looking the other way. We have to think about this. What are we doing?" She didn't understand why he couldn't give her an answer, why he was avoiding this conversation.

"Do you love me?" If she gave him that much, he thought he'd know what to do. If he could be sure she still felt about him the way he felt about her, he thought he could give her an answer. "It's a simple question, babe." Because he still loved her. Had loved her since he was sixteen and never stopped. Never even questioned it.

Of course she loved him. But there was so much that came along with loving him. And if she gave him those words, what would that mean. Where would they go from there. They still had their sons to consider, not to mention the small matter of his marriage. Simple question, yeah. But, "It's not a simple answer."

"I know." At least he understood that this wouldn't be easy. They were different people, more responsibility. But he never had to ask himself if he still loved her, because it was always there. What he felt for her, it never went away. So he didn't understand why she couldn't just tell him she felt the same way. "I should go." Crossing the room to her, Jax framed her face in his hands so that he could press his lips to hers. He wanted to leave her with that, with what he could make her feel. "Okay?"

Tara nodded, fighting the urge to ask him to stay.

* * *

><p>Jax could tell by the look on her face that Happy must have told her about his travel plans. She was, clearly and as expected, not at all happy with this information.<p>

"Axe! Gem!"

Beating his mother out the door, Jax took Nikolai out of Tara's arms.

"Have you spoken to Donna or Opie?"

Jax shook his head realized that 'not at all happy' was a bit of an understatement. Tara was pissed and if he didn't know any better he'd think she was pouting just a bit. "You know what's going on with them?" He figured if Opie told him, Donna more than likely told Tara.

"Yeah. You think they went away to try to work things out?" It may have been a naïve way of thinking. But she wanted so much for Opie and Donna to work things out, to realize that they belonged together.

"Hey, Tara, can you-"

But whatever Happy was going to say went unheard by Tara as she simply walked away. Jax tried to battle back a grin but it just didn't go as planned. "She pissed?"

"What gave it away?" Happy took Nikolai out of Jax's arms and walked over to the truck.

Jax thought about following Happy and Nikolai. There was no telling if Happy was telling the kid goodbye or if he was pissed about Tara's attitude and telling the kid to raise hell for Tara while he was gone. The way Tara's relationship with Happy and Kozik worked, it really could have been either of those things.

"You stay there," Happy tossed over his shoulder at Jax. "This is between me and Nik."

Decision made for him, Jax walked into the cabin. He didn't see his mother, but Tara was on the couch with the Cameron. Whatever mood she was in about Happy going away for a few days was well hidden as she tended to the Irishman.

"Thanks, Doc."

"No problem." Standing from the couch Tara walked over to Jax. "His dressings need to be changed once a day. As long as he doesn't move around too much, he should be fine."

"Thanks," Jax studied her face closely. "You sleep okay?"

The smile spread across her lips before she could even think about it. Even after the way they left things the night before he was still concerned about her. Still trying to take care of her. "Yeah."

Receiving one of her rare, beautiful smiles twisted something deep in his gut. He'd only intended to see how she was. Maybe coax an invite out of her. But as the tips of her fingers played lightly in his beard and she gave that amazing smile, his question took on a whole new meaning. "Yeah?"

Seeing the interplay between them settled the unease Gemma had been feeling. She thought Tara going home would set them back, especially when she found out Jax hadn't stayed with her last night. But she was familiar with that look they shared. And thought she should interrupt before they put this whole road trip on hold.

"Mommy!" Nikolai ran into the room, throwing himself at Tara's legs. "Happy's leaving me."

"I know, baby." Tara lifted him up onto her hip. "But he's coming back." But Nikolai didn't seem to understand that. His eyes watered before he buried his face in her shoulder and locked his arms tight around her neck.

"I want Kozzie."

Jax felt bad for the kid. He never heard the little man sound so small. "Come here, Niko."

"No," Nikolai flinched away from Jax to cling tighter to his mother.

"Sometimes a boy just needs his momma." Gemma explained as she saw the hurt look on her own son's face. She placed a comforting hand on Jax's shoulder before turning her attention to Tara. "Thanks, Doc." She jerked her head towards the Irishman, before her lips curled in a pleased grin. "Doc. I'm so proud of you, baby."

"Ready for the road trip, kids." But it was obvious Happy wasn't asking, but pretty much telling everyone to get their asses in gear.

As Cherry, Half-Sack, and the Irishman made their way outside, Tara stopped in front of Happy. "Three days?"

"Tops." Happy promised as he leaned over and kissed the top of her head.

She didn't actually feel better about him leaving, but Tara realized there wasn't much she could do about it.

Jax walked out of the cabin in front of Happy, who stopped by his bike. "What's up, man?"

"I want you to take care of my girl." Happy nodded back towards the door where Tara stood with Gemma.

Jax nodded. "You know I will, bro." When Happy walked away, he turned his attention back to the door. Nikolai was still burrowed into Tara's shoulder. He liked seeing them there. And wanted more than anything for her to be standing waiting for him when he returned home.


	13. Capybara

**I disclaim. I own nothing**

**Chapter 11**

"What it do, pretty girl?"

Phone pressed between her ear and shoulder, Tara paused in the middle of folding a pair of Nikolai's jeans. Though a very large part of her was sad to have her baby growing up on her, another part couldn't wait until the day she didn't have to pack up half his bedroom just to take him out for a few hours. "Cas?"

"Ah, she remembers."

Confused as to why Cas was answering Kozik's phone Tara was able to put it aside to fall back into the easy routine of teasing with Cas. "What's that suppose to mean?"

"Means you're out in Charming being charmed by the gallant prince and forgetting about us lowly foot soldiers who have loved and cared for you all these years."

"Oh my God, you are so full of shit." Tara laid the jeans and an extra T-shirt on top of the extra pair of underwear, and a pile of pull-ups. The last thing she added to the bag was a few toys to help keep Nikolai occupied during the car ride. "When I first moved to Tacoma you told me no one wanted me there and to go back to where I came from."

"That's because everyone-including my old man-treated you like you were so goddamn special. I wanted to hang out with the guys, but they made me hang with you. I was 10, boys don't want to hang out with girls at that age."

Tara could understand that as she hadn't been exactly besides herself to be friends with Cas at that age either. But Tacoma wasn't Charming. Being the kid of a biker was different there. It didn't really mean much in Tacoma, no one was even aware of the fringe her life existed on. Her dad was smart with his money and provided her with a good life. As far as most of the kids were concerned, she was the spoiled new girl with the mountain of a father. Cas, who's father had also been a member, was the only other kid around who understood. "And you were very vocal about that, too."

"But I took care of you anyway."

"Do you remember when we were fifteen and you set me up with Steve Lively, who was the single biggest horn dog asshole to walk the earth, because you wanted to get into his sister's pants?"

"And when I saw him trying something with you, didn't I break every bone is his fingers."

"After you had successfully gotten into his sister's pants."

"You are always focusing on the negative. How about the time I distracted Alexei while you banged the pretty boy Prince at his wedding." There was something like pride in Cas' voice as he spoke. "You didn't even have to ask me. I knew what you needed and I was on it. Like you were on Jax."

"It was the reception." And even though Tara realized the distinction wasn't much, she felt it necessary to stress this one point.

"Whatever you say, Pretty Girl. So…what are you doing?"

"I was calling to talk to Kozik."

"You don't want to talk to him." Cas decided. And Tara could just imagine him kicking back and settling into the phone call. "So how are things going with you and the Prince?"

"You care?"

"Not really, just want to see where we are in this drama, that way I can have a better idea of when you're coming home. I haven't seen The Badass in months, which is bullshit by the way."

With a roll of her eyes, Tara set Nikolai's bag on the floor before dropping onto the bed. She really did want to head back to Tacoma to see all the guys, she missed them. And she wanted to get Nikolai back to see them as well, she didn't want him to forget those guys. Not only because she knew they'd love and care for him as they did for her, but because they all knew Alexei. And she just didn't think Nikolai could have enough people in his life that knew his father. But things with Jax were so weird right now. He was always looking at her as if she was going to bolt at any moment. She thought he'd give her shit if she so much as mentioned going back to Tacoma even if just for a visit.

"You guys could always head this way."

"Why the hell would we do that?"

"To see me."

Cas scoffed. "You're already spoiled enough. Besides there is a bunch of shit here you need to take care of anyway. You act like you don't have a house, a bunch of cars, and all other kinds of shit to deal with. Are you just gonna sell it now that you're in Charming?"

"I can't sell it. Alexei spent years collecting those cars and working on them, he couldn't wait to give them to Nikolai. It's his inheritance." But she'd have to find something to do with the house, hire a caretaker or sell it and put the money in the trust Alexei had set up for Nikolai. The cars needed to be dealt with as well, those she couldn't sell. "I need a lawyer."

"Get a name from Dylan." Cas suggested. "And when you do try to avoid leading Happy and Kozik to believe you're banging the guy."

"Oh, come on. You know it's funny watching Hap and Kozzie get all twitchy whenever someone mentions a lawyer."

Cas chuckled. "You're a mean little thing for such a pretty girl."

"Hey, Casanova." Kozik's voice came over the phone line. "What the fuck are you doing with my phone?"

"Talking to my Pretty Girl. Now go the fuck away."

"That's Tara? Gimme the phone, man."

On her end of the line Tara could only shake her head as the sounds of the two men wrestling over the phone became apparent. She had half a mind to hang up, because she knew it would annoy whichever man came away with the phone, but listening to them wrestling like two assholes was kind of entertaining.

"Ah, shit. Tara?"

"You're gonna pay for that dickhead. I think you ruptured my fucking spleen."

Tara laughed at Cas' proclamation. She was always hearing from the guys just how tough a son of a bitch Kozik really was, they all actually shied away from fighting with him, even playfully. But over the years she'd given him several knocks and he'd never hurt her. It always made her aware just how lucky she was to have him in her life.

"Kozik. How badly did you hurt him?"

"Barely even touched him. He's being a pussy. So what's up? You don't call, you don't write…"

"I am not about to listen to this from you, too. You guys are such shits."

* * *

><p>Jax was beyond frustrated as he left yet another message on Tara's voice mail. He hadn't been able to get a hold of her, Opie, or Donna. He didn't like it, being completely out of touch with them scared him. The places his mind wandered were dark and dangerous. He knew Opie wouldn't rat, the concept of it was completely foreign to him. But he'd seen the look in Tig and Clay's eyes, the suspicion. He knew it didn't look good, Bobby being arrested, the money in Opie's account. Wondered if he'd automatically call rat if the guy the evidence was mounting against was anyone other than his best friend.<p>

He needed someone to talk to about it. Needed to hear someone else say that it was impossible for Opie to be a rat. He'd gone to Tara, because in times like this he'd always gone to Tara. But her house was empty. Sitting in her driveway he tried her cell, but she didn't answer and his stomach dropped. He tried her door but it was locked and for a moment he actually considered breaking in.

Now he was on his bike in the middle of town holding his cell completely unsure of what his next move should be. What would he do if Opie was a rat? Could he do what the situation called for? Could he kill his best friend? It twisted him up something terrible because he simultaneously wanted to believe he was and wasn't capable of it. Thought to be a good VP, a good leader, he'd do what needed to be done. He'd kill Opie to protect the club. He just didn't think it would make him a good man, a good father, if he could kill his best friend without hesitation. What would he be if he took Kenny and Ellie's father, Donna's husband, from them when they just got him back.

He could kill in cold blood, knew now he was capable of it. And even if he had some trouble resigning himself to what he'd done, he didn't regret it. Didn't for one second regret pulling the trigger and putting a bullet in Kohn's head. He could relive that moment a thousand times and never change the end result. But Kohn had hurt Tara, put his hands on her, put that frightened look in her eye. The son of a bitch had to die.

Jax knew, that to the club, if Opie were truly a rat his crime would be considered far greater than Kohn's. But Jax wasn't sure it would be as easy. When he marched into Tara's bedroom, gun in his hands, he kept his eyes on Kohn's when he pulled the trigger because he wanted to see. Wanted to see the son of bitch's fear, wanted to see the realization come into his eyes, and wanted his face to be the last thing the fucker saw. Could he do that with Opie. Could he look his best friend in the eye as he killed him? Would he be able to look himself in the mirror if he did?

His mother and Clay kept calling, but he didn't want them. He wanted Tara. But Tara was gone. For all he knew she could be half-way back to fucking Tacoma by now. He was prepared to had that way, find her on the highway and pull her over just to tell her how much he didn't fucking need her. And how he was better off knowing her word didn't mean shit. The longer he thought about it, the better the idea sounded that Jax was just getting ready to start up his bike and head that way when his cell rang.

"Yeah," His voice was clipped and angry.

"Jax…you okay?"

He wanted to tell her no he wasn't fucking okay and that if she was calling to tell him she was already gone she could save it. "Fine."

"Oh," And the doubt was clear in Tara's voice. "Listen I'm trying to get a hold of Donna or Opie. I called both their cells, stopped by the house. I even called Donna's parents house. They said she was suppose to be there hours ago but they haven't seen her. Jax, I'm really starting to worry."

The more she talked, the more his anger subsided. He could tell how upset she was and he couldn't stand it. "There's something going on, but I can't talk about it over the phone. If you had been around you'd know that. Where were you?"

"I went to visit my dad. I'm working through the weekend, today was the only day I had to go. What the hell is wrong with you?"

He felt ridiculous. He hated this, hated this boggy ground they existed on. Thought maybe it was time for him to throttle back some before she had him anymore fucked up than he already was. "Nothing. Shits been crazy, Tara. Where are you?" He needed to see her. He would slow things down, put a little distance between them. But he just needed to see her.

"I just dropped Nik off with Gemma, now I'm heading in to work."

Back to her routine, Jax thought. Right back into the swing while he'd been twisted up at the thought of her leaving. "Alright, I'll be by later to feed the kid. Think you can get some time."

"Yeah, sure. Jax…"

He waited, not sure what she was going to say. Not sure what it was he wanted her to say. "Tara?"

"Nothing. See you in a bit."

* * *

><p>That fucking junky was back. Gemma wondered if the stupid bitch thought she was joking when she told her to stay the hell away. And Jax, she didn't know what the hell he was thinking letting her hold Abel, squatting down next to her to complete the picture of happy fucking family. He couldn't be so stupid as to think that bitch was ready to be a mother. And she hoped to God he wasn't so stupid as to give her another chance to be his wife.<p>

The look on Tara's face, Gemma inhaled deeply on her cigarette. She knew her girl, so she knew that look. She had to get a hold of this situation, get out in front of it before Jax and Tara completely fucked things up. Tara was pissed at Jax so Gemma was pretty sure her opinion would not be heard. She was going to have to go to desperate measures. Jax needed a swift kick in the ass and Tara needed someone around who could wrangle her in.

Decision made, Gemma dialed the number she found in Tara's phone.

"Yeah?"

"Kozik, it's Gemma."

"Gemma, who?"

"Don't be a smartass."

Kozik's laughter carried over the line. "What's up, Gemma?"

Sitting in her car outside of Jax's house, Gemma could only shake her head as she watched Wendy unlock the door and let herself in side. The bitch had suitcases and groceries. Gemma thought she'd die and go to hell before she allowed that junky to worm her way back into Jax's life. "I'm gonna need you to head back this way."

"What? Why?"

"Abel's coming home tomorrow, I'm having a little party at Jax's."

"You want me to come all the way back to Charming for that?"

Gemma rolled her eyes, she didn't know why these people had to make everything so damn hard. "Look Wendy's back, showed up at the hospital earlier today. Jax and Tara have started circling each other again."

"I guess Wendy's looking for more than to get to know her son?"

"I can see it in the bitch's eyes, she wants Jax back." And her son was either too blind to see it or too egotistical to cut her off at the pass. "This isn't good for our girl. You know how Tara is."

"She's going to do something crazy." Kozik spoke knowingly.

"Yeah, like run off and marry David Hale or that goddamn ER doctor she's always flirting with. I need someone here to talk some sense into her. At the very least distract her."

Kozik was quiet for a long while, Gemma could hear him talking to someone, but couldn't make out what he was saying. "Alright. We're going to head out. Don't tell her we're coming, let it be a surprise."

"Tara hates surprises."

Kozik laughed. "Yeah, I know."

* * *

><p>Despite his earlier decision to distance himself from Tara, Jax found himself at her door that night. Opie had called him. He was back home, Donna and the kids were with him. Jax didn't feel any better, knew that convincing Clay and Tig that Opie wasn't a rat wouldn't be easy. But he had to believe they'd at least hear Opie out, they'd give him a chance to explain, and if nothing else freeze him out until they could be sure he could be trusted.<p>

Wendy being back didn't help matters. Jax wasn't sure what to do about her. She was clean and he was happy for her. He knew he had to be careful there. He never treated her right, she hadn't deserved it. But he wasn't sure if she could really be a mother, he hoped she could. After everything else he'd done to her, he didn't want to have to shut her out of Abel's life. But if she wasn't clean, he wouldn't have a choice.

It was just too fucking much to deal with. He didn't want to go back to the clubhouse. Ever since Tara and Nikolai left it just wasn't the same. He couldn't go back to his house with Wendy there. He considered going and crashing at Gemma's. He found himself at Tara's.

She answered the door in a pair of loose fitting sweat pants and a black tank top. "Hi."

"Hey," He shoved his hands in his pockets, not entirely sure what it was he wanted to say to her. Considered just saying fuck it all and going back to the clubhouse. Thought about how much easier it would be to get wasted and fall into the first croweater who caught his eye. But Tara didn't give him time to say anything else, just grabbed his cut and pulled him into the house.

"Hi, Axe."

The smile curled his lips, not use to such a subdued greeting from Nikolai. He was dressed in a fleece pajama set complete with footies. "What's up little man?"

"I'm sick."

Jax looked to Tara with a frown.

"He spent the day with Gemma who apparently stuffed him full of chocolate until it escaped out of both ends. I'm just glad he waited until he got home to expel, I wouldn't have wanted Gemma to suffer the consequences of her actions or anything."

The sarcasm dripped heavily in her voice and Jax couldn't help but to grin. "Sounds like a fun night."

"Mommy, come on." Nikolai patted the spot on the couch besides him. "Lay down.

"Such a man, gets sick and he wants his mommy." But Tara walked over to the couch and sat down next to him. When she laid on her back, Nikolai climbed over her before flipping over onto his back and resting his head on the arm of the couch next to hers.

Jax watched the smile curl Tara's lips as she turned her head to press a kiss to her son's temple. She wrapped one arm around his middle and Nikolai quickly laced his fingers through hers. With her other hand she reached for the remote, pointing it at the TV to restart the movie they'd been watching.

Nikolai angled his head back towards Jax. "Happy Feet!"

Jax raised an eyebrow at Tara and she only shook her head.

"Save it, Teller. This will be you in a couple years."

"I don't think so." Some part of him wanted to join them on the couch. But this just seemed like their thing and Nikolai seemed to want his mother all to himself. "Mind if I use your shower."

Tara didn't know what was going on with him as she doubted he came all this way to use her shower. But Nikolai's stomach was still a little upset and she knew he wanted to be babied a little while longer. So she couldn't really get into what was weighing on Jax, at least not now. "Go ahead."

Nikolai only made it half-way through the movie before his droopy eyes finally closed for the night. But Tara remained where she was, holding her son, until the credits rolled. She hated when he was sick, even if she knew that his earlier vomiting and diarrhea was caused by being overly full. She just felt so helpless. So if all he wanted was to be held while he watched his favorite movie, it was what she did. Even if he didn't make to the end of the movie.

Clicking the TV off she carried him into his bedroom. But still she didn't leave him. After he was settled under the covers and clutching his stuffed dog in his arms, she sat on the side of the bed and watched him. She still hadn't gotten around to getting him that haircut and she knew she needed to. It was longer that Jax's now, she actually had to tie it back into a ponytail while he was sick. The problem was she did not know how Nikolai would act in a barber's chair. And she was avoiding finding out for as long as she could.

When she was sure he was settled for the night, she clicked on the lamp next to his bed as well as the monitor. She hadn't used the monitors since they'd been in Charming but she didn't think she could be too careful after the night they had.

Going into her own bedroom she found Jax laying naked across her bed. Seeing him there, where she always felt he belonged, brought a smile to her face. Crossing the room, she lowered herself to the edge of the bed next to him. Bringing her hand up she started to lightly trace his tattoo. Jax sighed, back subtly arching into her touch.

"Tara."

It wasn't until she heard him softly whisper her name that she became aware of how afraid she was he'd speak another. Or worse that impersonal 'darling' she knew he tossed out when he couldn't remember a girl's name.

Unable to stop herself, she leaned over and brushed her lips over his shoulders. Her hands becoming more insistent as they moved over his back, down over his ass and back up.

Jax thought he was dreaming, he'd been dreaming of Tara since he was a teenager. It was worse now after being in her shower, surrounded by the scent of the body wash and shampoo she used. By the time he stepped out of the shower he was painfully hard. Collapsing face first into her bed, where he could wallow in her scent, didn't help matters at all.

It was the light tickle of her hair on his back that cleared his mind. But it was the feel of her mouth, hot and wet, as it traveled over his back that had it fogging all over again. She started at the small of his back, alternating between kissing and biting the letters inked across his back. Then her tongue was on his spine, running slowly from the bottom all the way to the top. By the time her mouth pressed wetly to the back of his neck, he was ready to fucking beg.

There was some part of her that wanted to sit back and watch him. The muscles in his back were bunching and flexing, his hips thrusting subtly into the bed. If there was a sexier sight than a naked Jax Teller writhing in a bed, Tara honestly didn't know what it was. She climbed over him, straddling his thighs as her hands cupped his ass, and leaning forward to continue her assault on his back.

"Fuck, Tara." When her hands worked their way around him, Jax couldn't stop himself from lifting his hips so she could take his cock in her hands. The way she gripped him, both hands immediately going to work on him, caused his entire body to shudder. Her mouth was at his ear, her voice soft as she whispered how much she enjoyed his body, the things she wanted him to do to her.

That she was thrusting against his thigh wasn't lost on him at all either. They were both breathing heavily and he knew it wasn't completely out of the realm of possibility that they could both cum this way. He knew he had to take control of the situation. He didn't think it would be smart to allow Tara to take control here. Didn't think he should let her know just how weak and needy she made him.

All of a sudden the weight of the tank and sweats became too much. And Tara had to sit back to quickly pull the tank over her head. She needed to be closer to him, needed the press of his skin to hers.

When she leaned over him again, Jax brought his hand up to bury his fingers in her hair, turning his head to meet her mouth in a heated kiss. And like always she melted into the kiss, surrendering her mouth to his. Jax loved that, fucking loved the way she gave herself over to him this way. She made a soft, desperate, little whimpering noise that had all the muscles in his stomach clenching.

With his hands still in her hair, Jax shifted them around until she was laying on her back under him. Despite how much he wanted her, how desperate he was to be inside her, he simply stretched out over her. He kept his mouth on hers, but slowed down the kiss, changing the pace. His hands remained in her hair, tilting her head back a bit so he had better access to her mouth. He had to pull back a moment, take in her flushed cheeks and swollen lips. Pulling back a bit more he appreciated the way the flush ran down her neck to her chest.

Tara's back arched off the bed as Jax's hand came up to cup her breast. And when his mouth came down to cover her breast, her hands came up to tangle in his hair. She didn't know how to explain what was happening between them now. Every night, since that night they reconnected, they came together with this hint of desperation. Clinging to each other as if it could be taken away from them at any moment. And maybe that's how things started tonight, but he changed the pace of things. Touching her as if he were savoring her, kissing her as if memorizing her taste.

Tara thought how this was enough, how she'd go to sleep content and happy if he continued to touch her. Even as she thought it, as she considered pulling him to her and simply holding him until they fell asleep, Jax began to kiss his way down her torso. His hands hooking in the waistband of her sweats, making sure to take hold of her panties as well, and pulling them down and off.

Feeling as if he was too far away from her, Tara moved until they were pressed together, kneeling naked in the middle of her bed. Her hands went back into his hair as his gripped her hips to hold her close.

Then she was in his lap, wrapped around him so tightly their hearts beat rapidly against each other. He was buried deep inside of her and they rocked together slowly. Everything he felt for her welled so close to the surface it took all he had to keep it from spilling pass his lips. He didn't know how he was suppose to distance himself from her. How was he suppose to go around town, knowing she was a short ride away, and not go to her?

There was something in his eyes that scared her. Tara couldn't explain the way he looked at her, the way his hands gripped at her as his arms held her tight. He looked at her as if his next breath depended on her. As if she alone could hold him together or break him. She didn't know what to do with that, with him, so she merely held him tighter. Pulling his mouth to hers before one of them said something that couldn't be taken back.

There was no way she could know that in a few hours she'd be the one to whisper the words that would change everything.


	14. Sleep of Babies pt1

**I disclaim. I own nothing**

**AN: This is another chapter that will be split into two seperate updates. The second part will be up next week.**

**Chapter 12**

He waited for her to say something, to acknowledge the words she whispered to him. But when she was fully awake she merely kissed him good morning before climbing over him and out of the bed. Jax tried not to be bothered by that, realized that with Nikolai being sick the night before she needed to check on him. Thought she just needed to do that first, that she'd say something before he left. So he showered and dressed before making his way down the hall.

"Mommy, I wash your face."

"Okay, but we have to finish brushing our teeth first."

Coming to the bathroom, Jax leaned against the doorjamb. Nikolai was standing on a stepstool that allowed him to reach the sink. Jax thought it was kind of cute the way Nikolai seemed to be mimicking Tara's movements, even holding his toothbrush the exact way she was.

"Morning."

"Hi, Axe."

Tara glanced over at Jax, started to smile before realizing she had a mouth full of toothpaste. "Sorry," She mumbled before leaning over the sink to rinse her mouth. "Hey, good morning."

"Axe we brush our teeth."

"I can see that buddy."

"We have to do it together." Tara ran her hand over Nikolai's hair before dropping a kiss to the top of his head. "Okay, Nicky time to rinse." She had to help him, give him a little leverage or he'd spew water all over the mirror. But the rest-placing his toothbrush back in the holder, washing his face-he did himself.

"Okay, Mommy, I wash your face."

Tara didn't fully understand what this was about, his need to wash her face. But he often had random urges that she didn't understand. Deciding to just go with it, she propped him up on the counter before running another washcloth under the warm water and handing it to him.

There was a smile playing on Jax's lips as he watched Nikolai's brow crease, a line furrowing between his eyebrows so that he looked even more like Tara than he ever had. But despite the concentration on the kid's face, there was a look of complete adoration in his eyes. His movements tender and loving. What's more, Tara was looking at him the exact same way.

"All done?"

Nikolai nodded. "All done."

"All clean?"

The tips of Nikolai's fingers danced over Tara's cheeks. "Pretty Mommy."

As Jax watched, Tara's face lit up with a smile that was unlike any he'd ever seen. He wondered if they realized he was still there. If they knew this is what he wanted for Abel. Jax knew his mother loved him with a fierceness that would frightened most that did not understand their world. But there was something about the way Tara loved her son, the way they were together that he wanted for Abel.

"Jax is pretty, too." Tara shot him a teasing look. "Why don't you wash his face?"

Jax was going to back out of that, but Nikolai gave a shout of excitement. It made him long for the days when something so damn simple could make him so damn happy. And because Nikolai was looking at him with such hopeful excitement, he couldn't back out.

Stepping into the bathroom, he placed a hand on Tara's hip to turn her slightly towards him. His hands came up to cup her face, fingers tangling in her hair so he could tilt her head back. He searched her eyes, for some reason believing he could see the words she whispered to him. But as his study of her eyes continued, all he saw was confusion. To keep her from asking, he flashed her a quick smile before lowering his mouth to hers in a quick kiss.

"Try not to make too much of a mess."

Jax scoffed. "Give me some credit, Tara."

Twenty minutes later, Jax walked into the kitchen with his wet T-shirt clutched in his hand. He was carrying Nikolai, who was dressed in dry clothes even though his hair was wet.

Tara was standing at the counter, a cup of coffee in one hand and her cell in the other. She was in the middle of responding to a text from Donna when she noticed them come in. "Really?"

Jax grinned. "What?"

Neither of them looked innocent. Actually, Tara thought they both looked mighty pleased with themselves. It made her afraid to even think about what her bathroom looked like. "Here," She held her hand out towards Jax. "I'll toss your shirt in the dryer." She tried not to think about how he looked, shirtless, lovingly holding her baby in his arms.

"Thanks." Jax placed Nikolai in a chair at the table before going to the coffee pot.

"So," Tara began as she stepped back into the kitchen. "You excited about today?"

Jax grinned, tried not to let his nerves show. He was excited, not to mention relieved. With each passing day he fell more and more in love with his son. The thought of anything happening to him, of losing him, twisted him up in a way he didn't know was possible. When he found out Abel was being released, he felt he could relax. Reasoning that his son had to be healthy or else they wouldn't allow him to go home. He just didn't think he could handle anything happening to his son now. "Finally starting to feel like a dad, you know."

"Nervous?"

"Naw." His grin turned just a little wicked. "I mean, you're a parent how hard can it can it possibly be."

Tara had just pulled a box of cereal out of the cabinet for Nikolai, because it was in her hand and Jax was seated at the table, it seemed the most reasonable thing in the world to do to slap him on the back of the head with it. "Asshole."

"Were you nervous the first time you brought the little man home." Because Nikolai recognized his nickname, he turned to Jax with a wide grin. Who, in turn, ran his hand over the little boy's hair.

"Nervous?" Tara smiled, nervous was way too tame a word. She and Alexei had been absolute wrecks. "Half an hour simply strapping in his car seat. Then I made Happy and Kozik rock the car back and forth as hard as they could to make sure the seat stayed where it was before I'd put Nicky in it." After fixing Nikolai's bowl of cereal, Tara sat down at the table opposite Jax. "Before he was born I'd read all these books. Probably every book I could find on childbirth and babies and parenting. I even bought books on tape so I could listen to them while I was in the car."

Jax had to laugh because it was such a Tara thing to do. He'd made himself stay away from her while she was pregnant. He hadn't been strong enough, not nearly strong enough to see with her another man's child inside of her. But he knew his girl and he could just imagine how she'd been.

"But when I got him home, none of the things I read mattered. I mean, I remembered what the books said, knew what the experts told me I should do, but I knew what my instincts told me to do. I couldn't stop looking at him." She and Alexei had spent hours in the nursery just watching Nikolai as he slept.

"Probably fucked you up how much he looked like you." It had thrown him for a loop. A good one, as it twisted him up when he thought he might look at Tara's child and see the Russian's face.

"That one actually still gets me." There was a soft, wistful smile on her lips. "Abel looks like you."

"Yeah. So how does it work, the discharge? Do I just swing by the hospital later and pick him up?"

Hearing the buzzer go off on the dryer, Tara stood to walk back into the laundry area. "That's almost cute. No, that's not how it works at all. There's paper work, lots of it, that you have to fill out. Then there's the waiting game, if you have stuff to do, you might want to have Gemma hang around."

"You think Gemma would be anywhere else?" Standing from the table he met her as she came out of the laundry room. "So, you want me to follow you over to Gemma's?"

Tara was confused for a moment. "Oh, no I talked to Donna this morning. I'm going to be taking Nicky over there. She says she missed him" She gave a bit of an eye roll. "Between me and you, I think she wants another baby."

Jax didn't know anything about that and wasn't about to get into it with her. "Niko wanted to be there when we picked up Abel. I promised him he could."

It was just at the tip of her tongue to demand just who the hell he was to make promises to her son. But she knew it was unnecessarily bitchy. It was just that she really didn't know where things were going with Jax, how they'd end up. And with Gemma already filling Nikolai's head with things that weren't true and may never be, she couldn't have Jax reinforcing those things. Nikolai had already lost one father, she wasn't going to set him up to lose another.

"You should have talked to me about that first."

Jax didn't like the way she avoided his eyes, didn't like that he really couldn't tell what she was thinking. "He wants to be there, Tara. I promised him."

"It's just not a good idea, Jax. I don't know how long it'll take for Abel to be discharged, Nikolai would go crazy. He doesn't do boredom well. It's just better all around if he stays with Donna."

Though that may have been true, Jax didn't like it. Not only was this the second time Tara was making him break a promise he made to Nikolai, but he felt she was trying to pull Nikolai away from him. He didn't know why, but he would have sworn he saw something in her eyes. Tara was good at shutting down, pulling away, and it looked like she was pulling her son away from him. Reminding him, again, that Nikolai was not his. And it pissed him off that she didn't even seem to want him to be. "Yeah, I should get going."

He didn't kiss her goodbye. And as she watched him stop behind Nikolai's chair to drop a kiss on the top of his head, Tara realized that she handled things all wrong. Again.

* * *

><p>Tara really didn't know what the hell to do with Jax. He'd clearly been pissed off when he left her house, practically pouting when he walked out the door. Hours later he shows up to the hospital, acting like they were buddies. Like they didn't spend the morning together with her son. She couldn't stand it. Didn't want things to be this way, especially with Nikolai and Abel in the picture. Shit would get way too confusing and they had to consider how that kind of confusion would affect the boys.<p>

She could have slapped him when he brought up Wendy. Brought up there being an upside to being married to a junky. Then for him to casually remind her how they felt about each other, like she wouldn't remember how crazy things had gotten between them. Wouldn't remember feeling capable of burning down all of Charming just to get to him, be with him. He told her he could still go to that place, that dark place where death was a better option than being apart.

She tried to be casual, as casual as he was being. Giving him a playful smirk when he asked her for a little time to figure his shit out. On the inside she was fuming, wanting to grab him and shake him until he told her what it was he wanted from her.

Some part of her was afraid that he was going back to Wendy, that he was going to stay with her to help her get clean all the while expecting Tara to save his place in her bed. Making her the other woman, just as Wendy had a accused her of being.

God, had that been humiliating. Tara had wanted so bad to drive her fist into Wendy's face. Could practically hear Gemma and Cas in her ear telling her she didn't take shit from anyone. The words that floated through her head-Junky, Bitch, Second Best-trembled on her lips but did not escape. Tara hated herself for even thinking them. Hated herself for reverting back so easily.

"Think you could maybe reign in your daughter-in-law?"

Standing over Abel's bassinet, Gemma looked up at Tara with a frown. For a moment she was honestly at a loss as to who exactly Tara was talking about. "Wendy? That bitch is a lot of things, but my daughter-in-law isn't one of them." Her eyes narrowed momentarily. "What did she do?"

"Warned me off of Jax. I was with my co-workers, Gemma, and she accused me of having an affair with her husband."

"I hope you told her to go to hell. Bitch has a lot of nerve." Fastening Abel's diaper, she started to straighten out his clothes when she caught the look on Tara's face. "Tell me you let that junky whore have it."

Guilt washed over her, even though she wasn't sure if it was from Gemma's disappointment in her or not letting the junky whore have it. "She wasn't entirely wrong. They are still married."

"What's wrong with you? I didn't raise you to take shit from some delusional junky." When Abel winced at her harsh tone, Gemma lifted him into her arms to soothe, and couldn't help but smile when Tara took him from her and instantly began to rock him. "You and Jax love each other. That's why things didn't work with Wendy and why they never will. Because he will always love you."

As she started to walk Gemma out to the elevators, Tara was beginning to feel better. To believe that she and Jax could figure things out.

"Is Jax bringing Nikolai with him?" Gemma asked as she took Abel out of Tara's arms.

"Nicky's with Donna, I'm picking him up when I get off."

Gemma stopped walking. "Jax wanted him here when he picked up Abel." And she wanted him there so that Wendy wouldn't get any ideas. "_Nikolai_ wanted to be here."

Tara knew better than to tell Gemma of her fears. Knew how the other woman would react to her being afraid of Jax and Nikolai getting too close only for Nikolai to lose him. Even though she knew Gemma would understand her doing everything she could to keep her baby from getting his heart broken. She also knew Gemma would insist that it just wasn't a possibility with Jax. "The wait would have drove him crazy. And Jax couldn't have very well brought him on his bike."

"Right," Gemma didn't believe that excuse for a second but she let it go for now. "I'm calling Donna and telling her to bring Nikolai over now."

Tara nodded. "Of course you are."

Proud to see that bite back in her girl, Gemma smirked. But before they reached the elevators she stopped walking again. "You want Jax, you bounce that Junky right out of town."

"I'm not going to kick a recovering addict, Gemma." She did want Jax, but she kind of resented having to get rid of Wendy to have him.

When he showed up at the hospital to pick up Abel, Wendy at his side, they looked like a family. That hurt more than she thought it would and she kind of wanted to kick somebody's ass on principle. He nodded at her, gave a grin like the last few weeks between them hadn't happened. Even though she was afraid that she may be losing him, Tara found herself more than a little pissed off at Jax.

* * *

><p>Most everyone had arrived at Jax's by the time Tara had got there. Which really wasn't all that late, but the way Gemma was texting her it was like she'd missed the party all together. The front door was open and Tara didn't really question that because no one in there right mind would just wander into Jax Teller's house.<p>

The first person she saw when she walked inside was Opie, though Tara figured Opie would be the first person anyone would see in any room they walked into. She was glad to see him, even more she was glad to see him with Donna.

"Hey, babe."

There was an easy grin on Opie's face as he leaned down to wrap one arm around Tara's waist and lift her into a hug. "Hey, darlin'."

Pulling back Tara looked at Opie, _really_ looked at him, and she would have sworn she had not seen him this relaxed, this happy since before he went inside.

"Hey," Gemma was holding Nikolai on her hip when she came up behind Tara, impatiently pulling her away from Opie. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Somebody's in trouble." Opie muttered softly, his eyes lighting up as if he were excited to see Tara get yelled at. Which wouldn't surprise her if he was.

Reaching out, Tara easily lifted Nikolai out of Gemma's arms and settled him into her own. "I got off of work, like, twenty minutes ago, Gemma."

"The hospitals not twenty minutes away, Tara."

Not fully understanding what this was about or why Gemma was jumping up her ass this way, Tara turned to Opie who merely shrugged. "I'm sorry?" She always felt that certain situations with Gemma were best worked out with an apology.

"I just worry about you, baby." Gemma cupped her face in her hands, placed a kiss on her check before walking away, seemingly to go snap at Juice.

Tara's eyes followed Gemma until they landed on Wendy, who was staring her down as if thoughts alone would strike her dead. "This is going to be so much fun."

Opie nodded. "You should probably start drinking now."

* * *

><p>It took some time, but Tara was finally able to corner Donna in the relative privacy of the back hallway. "You look happy."<p>

"That's because I am happy." Donna smiled. "I want my family together, Tara. And I'm going to do everything in my power to keep us that way."

Tara couldn't help the wide grin that broke out on her face as she and Donna started back out to the front of the house. Opie had his arm bent at the elbow, Nikolai had both hands locked on his bicep and was happily swinging several inches off the floor. "The world better watch out."

"Damn right."

When they reached the front, Tara walked straight into Clay. She tried to back away, but he caught her, one large arm wrapping around her shoulder to pull her close.

"Excuse us for a second, Donna?" Clay waited until the other woman walked away before turning his attention to Tara, his voice lowering. "Just wanted to say the club appreciates what you did for us. I know how much your old man means to you and not taking that opportunity to get him out must have been hard for you."

Actually, it hadn't been hard for her at all. Keeping her mouth shut about the club was so ingrained in her that it never occurred to her to take Stahl's deal. It was one of those things she knew drove Donna mad, the way she, Jax, and Opie reacted on instinct where the club was concerned. "Come on, Clay. You know me better than that."

Clay smiled before giving her a one armed hug. "Well, sometimes people surprise you. Not necessarily for the better." He dropped a kiss to her head before walking away.

Tara frowned, not sure how to take Clay's words. But before she could think too much on them, Chibs came up behind her.

"I saw the work you did on the Irishman. You stitch like a fucking girl. Little dainty things, disgusting."

Use to this game, as they'd been playing it since she started med school, Tara rolled her eyes. "Not everyone wants large obnoxious stitches. Look at the scar you left on Kozik's chin. That's amateur shit."

"Spend a couple years at some big fancy school and all of a sudden she's a fucking expert." Chibs' expression was completely unimpressed. "We're gonna settle this, you little shit, don't go anywhere."

"I was called in because it was too much for you." Tara called after him. "Far as I'm concerned it's settled." When he merely shot her the finger over his shoulder, she couldn't help but laugh. Stepping into the living room she noticed Jax settled into the corner of the couch. Her eyes drifted to Wendy before she made her way over to drop onto the arm of the couch next to Jax.

When he glanced up and gave her an absent smile, his eyes flicking briefly to Wendy, it was all Tara could do to keep from smashing her fist into his incredibly attractive face. She could feel the restless energy coursing through her, the need to do something, anything to claim her place.

"Come here, little girl."

Piney's booming voice cut through her thoughts, had confusion creasing her brow. "Yeah?"

"I said come here."

Still confused and running over what she could have possible done to piss Piney off _this_ time, Tara moved off the couch to cross the room to Piney. Opie, who was still standing against the wall allowing Nikolai to use his arm as a swing, chuckled softly.

"Quiet boy." Piney bit out at his son.

Tara and Opie shared a grin, not to mention an eye roll, as she dropped onto the arm of the couch next to Piney, making sure to keep her back to the room. Or more specifically to Jax. When he caught her shirt in his hand to tug her closer, Tara braced her arms on the back of the couch so that she could lean close to him.

"I know that look in your eye, little girl. You and Jax are too old to still be doing this shit. And the last thing your boy needs is to see you fighting for some man. This is exactly what Lenny didn't want for you."

The words hit hard. Piney was always, _always_, careful to stay out of her and Jax's relationship mess. That he would say something, caused her to consider his words carefully. Her father, for all the misogyny in the club-perpetrated mostly by him-had always stressed to her that she was above it. That she wasn't like the other women involved in the club, she wasn't some croweater or sweet butt. Though he never said it aloud, she was his princess.

"You're right."

"Think I said this shit for my health."

With a roll of her eyes, Tara pulled back just enough to brush her lips over his cheek. "Speaking of your health, you've had enough to drink." When she reached for the cup in his hand he held it out away from her.

"Careful, little girl."

"What was that about?" Opie asked as Tara came over to stand next to him and Donna. But before she could even answer, Jax came up behind her.

"Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure."

Opie gave her a sympathetic look. "Catching it coming and going tonight, huh."

"Apparently." And as she followed Jax back to Abel's nursery, Tara thought she should have just gone home. Actually, with Piney's words playing in her ears, she thought she should have just gone back to Tacoma and avoided all this bullshit to begin with.

* * *

><p>Jax could see that with each word he spoke Tara became increasingly upset. Couldn't help but wonder if there was anyway to have this conversation with her that wouldn't end up with her becoming upset.<p>

"So what your saying," Tara began in a voice that was a litte _too_ controlled. "Is that, because of Wendy, I have to act like a fucking stranger with the people I've known my whole life."

"That's not what I'm saying." He didn't know why she was being so goddamn bullheaded about this. Tara wasn't stupid, she knew how she was acting, how Wendy would interpret it. "From the second you stepped in the house you were acting like my Old Lady."

"And Wendy's your Old Lady. Right?"

Jax knew that there was no way for him to answer that correctly. "She's like a heartbeat sober." And he and Tara had done their fair share of fucking Wendy up. Piling on now, especially when he didn't even know where Tara's head was, just seemed cruel. "She's always reacted to you, there's no need to push her. Especially not with whatever this is between us."

Tara's eyes hardened, her jaw clenched. "Whatever _this_ is?"

"I didn't mean it like that. Tara-"

"Mommy, I gotta pee-pee."

Realizing he hadn't spent much time with Nikolai since he arrived, as Gemma kept the kid close to her most of the night, Jax reached out for him. "Come on, little man. I'll take you." A little space between him and Tara right now would be the best thing.

"No." Tara quickly swung Nikolai up in her arms. "I'll take him. Don't want to give Wendy the wrong idea."

With a weary sigh, Jax scrubbed his hands over his face taking a moment to get himself together before stepping out of the nursery. He could never understand why his and Tara's ability to communicate with one another always broke down when it mattered most.

"Kid's been home barely an hour and you already look like shit, bro."

Because he hadn't really been paying attention, a frown creased Jax's brow as he came to a stop at the front door and found himself face to face with probably the last guy he wanted to see at the moment.

"Where's _our _kid? I saw that bucket our girl is driving so I know she's here somewhere."

Correction, Jax thought as his gaze spread from Kozik to Cas, the last _two _guys he wanted to see at the moment.


	15. Sleep of Babies pt 2

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**Chapter 12 pt.2**

Jax was well aware that things had gotten out of hand. That he handled things with Wendy and Tara the wrong way. He didn't feel guilty for considering Wendy's feelings, for wanting to keep what was between him and Tara from hurting her. But as Kozik and Cas lead Tara out of the sliding glass doors to the backyard, he couldn't help but think there may have been a better way to handle it. That he should have talked to Tara when Wendy first returned. Hashed out their shit so they both knew where they stood.

Because he'd seen the way Tara flung herself at Kozik, the way she held on, and knew she was feeling lost. Just as lost as he was in this thing they had going.

He never considered that. Never stopped to think that Tara was as unsure as he was with where they stood with each other. All he could think about was how much she hurt him when she left, when she stayed away. He didn't think about how hurt she was when he didn't follow her, when she came back knowing he'd been with a lot of women while she was away. He couldn't get over his pain at knowing she had another man's baby. Didn't realize the pain she must of felt when he married another woman. He always viewed his actions as part of the game they played and hers as things she did to hurt him. Not realizing that all the while they were hurting each other.

Every part of him was telling him to go out to the yard, break up whatever was going on between the three of them. But he fucked up and he couldn't face her again. The only thing he did, felt he could do, was keep Nikolai with him. Thinking that if Tara had taken Nikolai outside, Kozik and Cas would have snatched the two of them up and ran right back to Tacoma. Jax thought he'd be damned if he allowed that to happen. He needed to get him and Tara back to where they were the night before.

"I want mommy and Kozzie."

Nikolai looked on the verge of tears. His small, wavering, voice doing a damn good job of making Jax feel like shit. Lifting the kid onto his lap, Jax held him close to his chest. "Don't cry, little man. Mommy and Kozzie will be back in a minute." Brushing thick blonde curls off the boy's head, he gave him a smile as he nodded across the room to where Donna was holding Abel. "You wanna see Abel?"

Nikolai sniffed, his face burrowing into Jax's chest, but there was a small smile on his lips as he nodded.

Catching Donna's attention, Jax gestured her over. And he couldn't help but think it was kind of cute the way Nikolai clutched his hands tighter to his chest the closer Donna got with the baby.

* * *

><p>"Look me in the eye and tell me you're happy."<p>

That she couldn't, that he knew she couldn't, only served to piss Tara off. "Kozik…it's not just about that."

"Tara," Because she was sitting on the stairs leading down from the glass door, Kozik crouched down in front of her. "You don't have to stay here and take this."

"Playing second fiddle to some fucking junky," Cas carelessly flicked his cigarette out into the yard as he spoke. "Getting treated like pussy by the crown prince. That's bullshit and your old man would have a fucking fit if he knew it."

"Wendy is Abel's mother," Tara started to explain. Despite the way she felt, which coincidentally was exactly as Cas just described, she couldn't stop herself from defending Jax. Maybe it was embarrassment, she couldn't stand anyone else knowing how small she'd been feeling the last two days. Anymore than she could stand to think that everything between her and Jax now boiled down to fucking behind his wife's back. If she thought that way, she'd begin to think that that was all it had ever been. That she wasted years of her life, hurt a really good man, just to be Jax's pussy. "She's a recovering addict, we just…we have to be careful-"

"That's bullshit. He's playing you, pretty girl. Keeping you on his leash like he's been doing all these years."

Tara's head came up at that, her eyes hard when they glared at Cas. "I'm on no one's leash, you dick."

"Could have fucking fool me."

"That's enough." Kozik held a hand up when it looked like Cas was going to continue to argue with her. He knew the two of them. Not only could this entire conversation spiral out of his control if he didn't stop them, it would likely end with one of them putting a chair through the glass doors. "Tara, if Jax needs to figure his shit out with Wendy, let him. But you don't need to hang around for it. And if he can't be a man and just say that he wants you-"

"Fuck him." Cas interjected hotly. "If he can't step up he can fuck off."

"Yeah." Kozik agreed, his calm demeanor a complete contrast to Cas. "You and Nik should just come home. I mean, think about him for a second, Tara. You think this bullshit that you and Jax do is good for him? What's it going to say to him, watching some guy treat his mom like a fucking croweater? He deserves better than that and so do you."

"I hear you, okay." Feeling crowded Tara pushed off the stairs. Glancing into the house she saw the way Jax held her son close, the smile on his face as he looked from Nikolai to Abel. It hurt, twisted something inside of her so that she had to look away. She wanted that, Jax and their boys, but she knew there was truth in what Cas and Kozik said. Jax was all over the place and she just couldn't subject her son to that. He deserved something stable and real.

Because it hurt to think about, to consider what it was she may have to do for her son's well being, Tara turned back to Kozik and Cas. A teasing grin curling her lips. "I can't believe you two came all this way because you were worried about me."

Cas scoffed, he felt it was his duty as the closest thing Tara had to a brother to keep her ego in check. "I came because I was told Gemma was cooking. To be honest, you hardly factored in at all." It was also his duty to be a bit of an asshole.

* * *

><p>"Nikolai," Tara called as she stepped back into the house with Cas and Kozik. Jax was holding Abel now, but Nikolai was still at his side shaking out one of Abel's blankets. "Come here, honey."<p>

"Wait, Mommy. I gotta cover this baby."

Whatever bad mood Tara had been in, vanished with her baby's words. The grin practically split her face, especially as she watched Nikolai place the blanket over Abel then went about meticulously straightening the blanket once the baby was covered.

"Jesus Christ, Tara, that kid couldn't be more like you if he tried." Cas mumbled as he walked by Tara and into the kitchen.

"Mommy look!"

Tara crossed the room to kneel down behind her son, wrapping her arm around his waist to pull him against her. "Good job, Nicky. Abel looks all warm."

"Thanks for taking care of him, little man." The smile Jax had for Nikolai spread towards Tara. For a moment it was just them and their sons and it was perfect. He wondered why things couldn't be like this. Why things always had to get so fucked up between him and Tara? Thought for a moment Opie was right and they just made things difficult.

"He's going to be a good big brother." This comment came from Juice who was sitting on the opposite end of the couch from Jax.

Tara's head came up at that, eyes immediately connecting with Gemma, who was leaning against the hall post smirking down at the two of them.

And just like that, the moment was broken, and Tara swung Nikolai up in her arms and carried him over to the dining room table where Donna was sitting with Opie, Cas, and Kozik. Catching sight of Kozik, Nikolai held his arms out for the him. Lowering her son into Kozik's arms Tara took the chair between his and Donna's.

"Be honest Tara," Opie nodded towards Jax and Abel. "Makes you want another one, doesn't it?"

"I don't think the world is ready for another Nikolai Janowitz." She sent a sly smile towards her oldest friend. "But I think Donna's hearing the pitter patter."

"You know," Donna began despite the near panicked look on Opie's face. She knew it wasn't the thought of having another child that scared him, as much as the thought of having another child now when they could barely afford the two they had. "Every time I think I want another baby, I remember being in labor with Kenny, and I change my mind."

Tara winced. "That nearly put _me _off having children."

"Shit." Opie scoffed. "Nearly put me off of sex."

"Okay," Donna rolled her eyes. "It wasn't _that_ bad."

"Yeah, it was." Opie returned earning a scathing look from his wife.

Tara was getting ready to voice her agreement when she saw Wendy cross the room to sit besides Jax. She cuddled up close to him and Jax shifted Abel in his arms so that two of them could smile down at the baby. Then her view was blocked, Kozik was out of his chair and standing between her and the happy family. She gave him a grateful smile, but his effort was too late. She'd seen them and she was hurting.

"It was kind of funny when Tara popped." Cas tossed out, leaning back in his chair. "We were at the clubhouse when her water broke. She was just talking to Hap and," He made a noise that was suppose to be water splashing on the floor. "That shit was nasty."

"But our girl was a trooper." Kozik gave her shoulder an affectionate squeeze. "Shot the kid right out."

"That's cause she was fucking flying."

Tara scoffed. "Can you at least pretend to give me a little credit?"

Cas shrugged like he couldn't even be bothered. "You asked the kid who parked the car to knock you out. You don't get credit for shit like that."

"Went for the epidural." Gemma gave a disappointed shake of her head. "Pussy."

Not in the least bit ashamed, Tara shrugged. "I'd have had two if they let me."

* * *

><p>Donna left the kitchen when she saw Jax standing alone in the hall. There was a look on his face that she recognized as his 'Tara look'. She'd seen it often enough when they were kids, even more after they became adults. She and Opie had long ago decided to stay out of that relationship, it was just better for the friendships they had with Jax and Tara. But it had been hard, <em>really<em> hard to keep quiet when they stumbled from one mess into the other. Jax marrying a woman he didn't love and bedding a slew of others. Tara using a pretty decent guy to prove she didn't care about what Jax did. It had been painful to watch.

Every time Tara came home, Opie was convinced they'd get their shit together. Initially Donna had found his blind faith and optimism kind of cute but now she didn't know what to make of it. She didn't know if her friends were getting better or worse, all she knew was that they were now stuck in some sort of holding pattern where each one was waiting for the other to make a move. What she knew, and what they were obviously failing to see, was that if they waited too long they'd only end up slipping away from each other.

"Hey,"

Jax gave Donna a smile, but it didn't hold much of his usual charm. "Hey, Donna. You look good. Relaxed."

"Having my family together does that. And that includes you and Tara."

Jax didn't say anything, his eyes going back to where Tara was still sitting at the dining room table with Kozik. They were sitting close together, talking quietly. Cas was sitting across from them but Jax didn't know if he was actually participating in the conversation or not. Only that every so often Cas would look away from them to send a smug smirk his way.

"You know he's trying to talk her into going back, they both are. It's why they came all the way down here."

Jax's jaw clenched and it took some effort to battle back the sharpest edge of his temper. "Figured as much."

Donna angled her head until she was looking Jax in the eye. "Give her a reason to stay."

"It's not that easy. Wendy-"

"Last thing Wendy needs is you giving her false hope that something can still happen between the two of you. I'm not saying you and Tara are to blame for Wendy's problems, but you certainly didn't help. Why put her through another round of that?"

Jax knew she was right, but he wasn't ready to fold. Couldn't fold. "I don't even know what we are. Tara's not saying anything. Why shouldn't I give Wendy a chance if she manages to stay clean. Make some time and actually see if we can be a family."

"Because if you tell her that, it'll just be pretty lies. Pretty lies that'll be blown to shit the second you find out Tara's taken your cue and decided to make a family of her own with someone else."

* * *

><p>"Don't you and Jax ever get tired of this game?"<p>

Opie was leaning against the kitchen counter. Tara had already had one beer, would have loved another or something a little stronger but knew it was a bad idea all around. So pulling open Jax's refrigerator she grabbed one of the diet Cokes Gemma had stocked before closing the door and leaning against it.

"Are you going to lecture me, too, Ope?"

Opie shrugged, lifted his beer to his lips. "Just saying. He loves your boy."

"I know. Nicky loves him, too." As much as she thought it best to save Nikolai from the heartache, she knew it was too late. Nikolai loved Jax.

"Then give him and Abel something good." Setting his empty beer bottle on the counter, Opie closed the distance between them to drop a kiss on the top of Tara's head. "We're going to head out. See you tomorrow."

"Alright." Tara's hand came up to absently pat Opie's hip. "Night, babe."

"Night, Darlin."

Tara went out through the dinning room, Nikolai was dozing in Gemma's lap as everyone was starting to head out.

Kozik came up next to her, dropping an arm around her shoulders. "Ready to go home, Princess."

"She's not going anywhere," Gemma interrupted them. "Tara has to stay and help clean up."

"Gemma, I should really get Nicky home to bed."

"We'll lay him down on the couch in Abel's room." Even as she said it, Gemma started to walk away. "He'll be fine there until you're ready to go."

Donna stepped aside to allow Gemma to pass her, there was a smile on her lips as if she knew exactly what the other woman was doing. "You can always snatch Nik up and make a run for it."

Tara looked at Wendy, who'd already started collecting the empty beer bottles. "Even if I made it to the door Gemma would just hunt me down and drag me back." Stepping away from Kozik, she pulled Donna into a hug. "It's fine. Just try not to be surprised if you drive by tomorrow to find the house in shambles."

"I'll see if Opie can stay with the kids so I can come back and make sure you don't turn the house into Thunderdome."

Tara laughed. "You're probably wiped, you don't have to do that."

Donna gave a good natured shrug. "I want to. It's what Old Ladies do, right?"

* * *

><p>The call came in barely an hour later, Jax shot out the door to go to Opie and Tara, after making sure Gemma would stay with Abel and Nikolai, headed over to the Winston home to be with the kids.<p>

Ellie and Kenny asked her what was going on, but Tara couldn't tell them. Telling them meant admitting it to herself and she just couldn't quite get her mouth around the words. Anymore than she could get her mind around the truth. Fortunately she was saved from having to tell them their mother was gone when Mary arrived. Tara recognized her own cowardice, she was Donna's best friend, but she couldn't do it. So she simply sat on the couch, holding Kenny on her lap as Mary explained that their mother had an accident but that she hadn't felt any pain. And that she would always love them and be looking over them.

It was all Tara could do not to break down in tears of her own when Ellie turned to her, with eyes so much like Donna's, and asked if it was true. She could only nod as she held Kenny close as he cried. Ellie turned to her grandmother, small body shaking with sobs. Tara closed her eyes against the little girls pain and tightened her arms almost painfully around Kenny. They cried themselves to sleep and with Mary's help she settled them into Opie and Donna's bed.

Tara left the bedroom, it smelled like Donna, and it hurt. She existed in a world of violence, but never in a million years did she think they'd lose Donna this way. That wasn't the way it was suppose to be. It just wasn't fucking _fair._

"Tara." Mary took her hand, gave it a comforting squeeze. She'd known Tara since she was a child and could remember how she'd been dry eyed at her mother's funeral. Not because she didn't feel the pain of losing her mother, but because she didn't _understand. _Tara was always a child who had to understand.

Mary didn't think she'd ever forget being back at the clubhouse, heart breaking, as a nine year old Tara begged Lenny to help her understand why she no longer had a mother. "It's okay to cry, sweetie."

Tara could only shake her head because she didn't want to cry. She wanted to _rage. _She wanted to flip tables and break things and scream. She wanted to make something else hurt the way she was hurting. Because her best friend was dead. Because her other best friend has lost the woman he'd loved for most of his life. And she knew that if she cried, she'd break. No, she'd shatter.

Piney arrived before Opie did. He took one look at Tara and pulled her into a hard hug and just as quickly he let her go.

"Thanks for being here, sweetheart, but you should head home." He gave her shoulders a squeeze before he turned and headed up the hall.

"He's right, sweetie." Mary reached out to squeeze her hand. "Go home, hold your boy."

"But Ope-" Tara didn't think he should be left alone and wanted to be around in case he needed anything.

"Is just like his father. He's not going to want to share his pain with anyone. I'll watch Piney. You go on ahead."

Tara wasn't sure, but she nodded anyway. "Call if you need…_anything."_

"Okay, sweetie."

* * *

><p>Gemma sent Wendy to the clubhouse. Feeding her some bull about a rival MC gunning for the club and coming after Old Ladies. She told her Jax would be back soon and they'd get Abel to the clubhouse after packing a few bags. She got her going quickly, not giving her time to ask too many questions and breathed a sigh of relief when she heard Jax's bike pull in well after Wendy was gone.<p>

Jax and Tara needed each other now more than ever. When JT died, Tara had been the only person Jax allowed himself to cry with. He thought she didn't know, but she was his mother and there wasn't much he could keep from her. And Gemma knew Tara. Knew she'd battle back her grief until it exploded out of her. But if they were together, if they allowed themselves to find comfort in one another, it would ease the pain they were feeling. And all Gemma wanted for her kids tonight was that they not hurt. She could do that for Jax and Tara because she knew there was nothing she would be able to do for Opie.

"Hey," Jax glanced around the empty house. "Where's Tara?"

"She's not back yet."

Jax nodded as he tossed his key onto the ledge leading down the hallway. For a moment he forgot she left out the same time as he did, forgot she had gone to Opie's so that someone could be with the kids. Seeing Donna that way…seeing Opie so broken as he cradled his wife's body in his arms…he wanted Tara. Wanted to hold her in his arms, feel her breath flutter against his neck. "Wendy?"

Gemma gave an innocent shrug. "Don't know. You okay, baby?"

Because he needed it, Jax went willingly into his mother's arms, holding tightly. "I don't know. Donna's dead, mom."

"I know, baby. I'm so sorry." She held him a moment, not able to keep herself from thinking about the two children who were now motherless. "I should get going, there's a lot of stuff to do. Opie's going to need our help."

Reluctantly, Jax backed out of his mother's arms. "Okay. Abel and Nik?

"Still sleeping. Tara called, she's on her way back to pick up Nikolai. She probably shouldn't be alone tonight, Jax."

Jax nodded before moving down the hall to the nursery. He went to the crib first, needing to see his son, reassure himself that there was still something good in the world. He placed his hand over Abel's chest, left it there a moment, drawing comfort from the soft thump of his son's heartbeat. Turning away he went to Nikolai, adjusting the covers around the boy's shoulders because he needed to do something for him, brushing the hair off his face because he needed to touch him.

Assured that both boys were fine, happy to have them both with him, Jax moved to the rocking chair where he could sit and watch them both. After a few moments his eyes drifted close. He didn't know how long he slept, didn't know if he was even really sleeping, when he heard the front door open. Held his breath a moment, wasn't aware of how afraid he was it would be Wendy until he saw Tara in the doorway. He gave a sigh of relief at it being her, at her being whole and real. And most importantly, being there with him.

"You know," Tara began, her breath catching only to be released on a shaky sigh. "Sometimes I dream about my mother. Her face isn't always clear, fuzzy around the edges, like a worn photograph. But…I know it's her because of the way I feel." She stepped into the room, moving softly as she knelt down on the floor besides the futon. "And when I wake up, I can replay the dream, you know, and see her. Really see her, how she was, the way I remember. Most nights she doesn't speak. Or when she does I hear it with my head, you know, and not my ears." A sad smile played across her lips. "Sometimes, it's Gemma's voice I hear. It's like my mind can't get her voice right. At first I couldn't figure it out. Then suddenly I realized…I can't get her voice right because I don't remember it. I don't remember my mother's voice, Jax."

"Tara."

"Kenny…when things were bad, sometimes all I needed was to hear Donna's voice. I use to be jealous because she had such a great laugh." Her fingers began to softly play in Nikolai's hair. "I held Kenny tonight and couldn't help but hope that he could remember how great his mother's laugh was."

It broke his heart. Losing his old man had hurt like nothing he knew before. At the time when people gave him those trite useless phrases about having memories or about his dad living forever in his heart, it had been all Jax could do to keep from ripping someone's head off. But now he understood, because he had so many great memories of his dad. Maybe he held him up too high, but the man Jax remembered was a hero. More importantly Jax remembered the man.

Tara couldn't remember her mother, he knew it bothered her. She never talked about it, never complained. She had her old man and he was her entire world. But she had nothing of her mother, it was a hurt she buried deep down. He wondered how Kenny and Ellie would deal with it. Would they remember Donna? Remember how strong she was, how she held them together while Opie was away? Would they remember how much she loved them? Fuck…would they remember that she really did have a great laugh.

Pushing herself to her feet, Tara crossed her arms around her midsection as if that was all that was holding her together at the moment. "I should get him home."

Something like panic shot through him at the thought of her walking out the door. Tried to rationalize that it was the night he had, losing one of his best friends, but he was afraid that if he let her walk out the door now he'd never see her again.

Jax moved slowly, almost like he was approaching a skittish animal. He didn't touch her, shoved his hands deep into his pockets to keep from grabbing hold of her and holding her tightly to his chest. "Tara." He said her name softly, barely above a whisper but her eyes flew to his, the tears not yet brimming over. "Stay."

The air rushed out of her, relief that he still wanted her, that she wouldn't have to be alone tonight. The nod she gave him enough to knock the first tear loose, but he was there to brush it away. And he was there to take her hand, entwining their fingers as he lead her out of the nursery and into his bedroom.


	16. The Revelator pt1

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**Chapter 13 pt. 1**

Hours later Jax woke up in bed alone. He reached out for Tara, his heart racing when he found the bed empty. He jumped out of the bed, just barely remembering to grab his boxers so he wasn't running through the house naked. And when he found her, in the nursery curled up on the futon with Nikolai, he felt foolish for his reaction.

The small lamp she left on didn't provide much in the way of light, but he could see she threw on his T-shirt and had stripped Nikolai down to just his pull-up. Abel's wipes and the baby powder were set up on the changing table and there was an empty bottle in the rocking chair. Walking over to the crib he checked in on Abel, smiling to see his son sleeping so peacefully.

Jax considered going back to bed or even settling into the rocking chair. In a few hours he was going to have to go see his best friend, pay his respects. He didn't know what he was going to say to Opie, he didn't know what he _could_ say. Other than the club, Donna was the only stable thing Opie had ever known. There was no doubt Piney loved Opie. But Piney-known for benders out at his cabin-wasn't always around. He was a hardass, because that was the only kind of father he knew how to be. Mary, though she tried, just wasn't cut out to be a mother. So all Opie had was the club. Until Donna.

Opie needed Donna. Maybe not in that same all consuming-_ I'd rather die than not have you-_ way that Jax needed Tara. But it was just as real and just as important. Donna provided Opie with a warmth he never had. Tara once said that Opie had a tender spot inside of him that needed protecting. Jax had laughed, said it sounded like pussy shit to him, and Opie was no pussy.

Truth was he understood exactly what Tara meant. And it had made him smile to think that that tender spot Tara spoke of was protected by a woman as small as Donna. She gave a Opie a reason, gave him something more than the club. Jax didn't know what Opie would be now that she was gone.

It made Jax think, though he tried very hard not to let his thoughts drift that way, of just who he'd be without Tara. She broke him when she left. Jax could barely make sense of himself without her. Thinking about the way Opie held Donna's lifeless body in his arms, some part of Jax knew that if that had been him holding Tara he'd never have been able to get up. As he thought about it, he wondered if Opie did. Thought it was entirely possible that some part of his best friend was still on a darkened street holding his dead wife in his arms.

In the end Jax climbed onto the futon. It wasn't a very comfortable fit, he was practically hanging off the edge. Reaching out, he wrapped his arm around Tara's hip to pull her and Nikolai closer. It was still a tight fit, but Jax had no trouble dropping back off to sleep.

The next time Jax woke up, he once again found himself reaching for Tara only to find her gone. But he did, however, find himself staring into a pair of green eyes very much like hers. And realized the sensation he had of being crushed came from Nikolai sitting dead center of his chest.

"Morning, Axe."

"Morning, Niko." Jax lifted Nikolai off his chest and sat him next to him on the futon.

"Gem has Ably."

Sitting up, Jax scrubbed his hands roughly over his face. Glancing over he noticed that Nikolai was doing his best to sit just as he was, he even had his hands over his face the same way.

"Axe, gotta pee-pee."

"Makes two of us, buddy." Climbing off the futon, Jax lifted Nikolai into his arms to carry him into the bathroom. He was just getting ready to sit the kid on the toilet when he noticed the small portable chair next to the tub. "Well, looks like you get to go like a big boy." Sitting Nikolai on his feet, he helped him out of the pull up and turned his body towards the potty chair.

It wasn't until a few minutes later that Jax realized just how bad an idea that had been. To say piss went everywhere was an understatement. They both actually needed a shower afterwards. He was a little nervous, thought the little man would be an absolute terror, but Nikolai didn't give him any problems. Jax was able to wash them both with relative ease. But because he had no clothes for Nikolai he ended up wrapping him in a large towel and carrying him out to the kitchen.

"Hey, mom." His eyes traveled over the kitchen, tried not to let his annoyance show at the sight of Kozik sitting at the kitchen table.

It made Gemma smile to see Jax come out of the back carrying a freshly scrubbed Nikolai in his arms.

"Where's Tara?"

"At the hospital." Standing up from the table Kozik took Nikolai out of Jax's arms, doing his best not to comment on the way Jax seemed reluctant to let the boy go. "We were here when she left, she asked me to stay until either you woke up or Gemma got here." He jiggled the little boy in his arms a bit. "Let's go get you on some clothes little man. You're getting as bad as your old man with this being naked all the time thing." His words drifted off as he walked out of the kitchen.

"You going to see Ope?" Gemma asked as she placed Abel in Jax's arms.

"Yeah," Jax shifted his son in his arms, more than a little tempted to continue to move him until he woke up. He just wanted to see his son's eyes.

"How are you doing, baby?"

"Okay, I guess." Jax gave an indifferent shrug. "Was Tara gone before you got here? She had no business going to work. You should have stopped her."

"I wasn't here," Gemma felt necessary to stress. She couldn't wait until the two of them finally got on the same page as their back and forth was driving her completely crazy. "Even if I was, I couldn't stop her. Tara needs to work, you know that. She needs something to make sense."

Avoiding his mother's gaze, because he knew what she said was true, Jax pressed a kiss to Abel's head. Things had to make sense to Tara, her mind would constantly work and spin until they did. She'd go to work because she could make sense of things there, she could fix the broken there.

"It's good that she was here, that you two were together last night."

He thought so, too. But twice he'd gone to sleep with Tara in his arms. And both times he woke up to find her gone. He knew Tara well enough to know that something was going on in that big brain of hers. "I should get going."

"Sure." Gemma took Abel back into her arms. "You let Mary know I'll be by later."

"Alright," Kissing his mother's cheek, Jax leaned down to place another lingering kiss on the top of his son's head. "See you later."

* * *

><p>Tara hadn't been particularly shocked when Cas and Kozik showed up Jax's. No matter what else, she knew they cared about her and that her safety was always forefront in their minds. She also knew, after what happened with Donna, they'd insist on sticking pretty closely to her. She was trying to avoid a lecture, the conversation she knew would occur, when she asked Kozik to stay at Jax's.<p>

Cas didn't lecture, he didn't do deep philosophical discussions about death. She was counting on his companionship, the comfort of having him around. What she didn't expect was for him to grab her as she stepped out of her car and keep her pressed against the door while he got everything off his chest.

"Jesus Christ, Cas."

"Sorry." He released her quickly, obviously not aware of just how roughly he grabbed her. "But I need to talk to you."

"Can it wait?"

"Not really."

"Cas, I'm going to be late."

"Not if you shut up and let me say what I have to say." Just as quickly as he lashed out, Cas did his best to reign his temper back in. "You can't stay here, Pretty Girl." When it looked like she was going to open her mouth to speak, he shook his head. "I said shut up. I don't know what the hell SAMCRO is into and I don't give a shit. But someone rolled into this town and blew holes in the back of a woman's head."

"I know how she died, Cas."

"But do you know why, because I got a pretty damn good idea. Donna's was in Opie's truck-"

"I don't have time for this."

Tara started to walk away but Cas jumped in front of her to keep her in place. "Donna was in Opie's truck," He repeated. "There's no reason anyone would have to kill Donna, can you say the same for Opie."

"What does this have to do with me?"

"Because they're killing Old Ladies. Someone, these same people, could come after Jax while he's with you. Blow holes in you the same way they did Donna. Jesus Christ, Tara, you could have been with Donna last night. Nik could have been with her."

"I don't need to hear this!" Tara shouted, not even bothering to reign in her temper. "Donna's dead, Castor. Opie doesn't have a wife, those two kids no longer have a mother. I can't deal with all of this _shit_ you're throwing at me right now."

"You need to deal with it and you need to deal with it now because I can't deal with it later." Cas ran an impatient hand over his face, but the harshness that had been in his voice was gone when he spoke again. "You know the way you're feeling now? That pain that's twisting you up, those tears you're so hell bent on holding back. That's what I'm trying to avoid. I need you to come back to Tacoma, away from all this shit, because I don't want to feel the way you're feeling right now."

* * *

><p>Coming back from Opie's, Jax just felt wrecked. There was an emptiness in his best friend's eyes that was painful to see. Opie hadn't even looked that lost while he was in prison. To see him that way now let Jax know that the depth of Opie's pain was greater than he had imagined. Even Kenny and Ellie looked like little ghosts, existing without being present.<p>

Opie blamed himself for what happened to Donna. Jax wondered if he'd ever find a way to forgive himself. And hoped to God that Kenny and Ellie never shared their father's opinion. All three of them had already lost Donna, the last thing they needed was to lose each other as well.

The last thing he needed after the time with Opie was to go back and deal with Wendy. He wished his mother had still been there or Kozik, someone just so he wouldn't have to be alone with her. He knew she was trying, but he couldn't believe that something as simple as picking Abel up when he cried didn't even occur to her.

It wasn't her fault that Abel didn't know her, that she wasn't around those first few months. She needed to get clean, for Abel and for herself. Jax figured if she was clean she'd learn to do all the things that needed to be done for their son. But there was some part of him that wondered if Wendy _wanted_ to do all those things. She loved Abel, he knew that. But he just didn't think she was ready to be a mother.

When she told him she wanted to be a family, he thought about Donna's words. Knew she was right and that to give Wendy false hope would do her more harm than good. But the way Wendy had looked at him, hope shining in her eyes was not unlike the way she looked at him at the start of their marriage. When she would tell him, when she believed, she could make him forget all about Tara. He killed that hope in her, had ignored the light extinguishing in her eyes. Jax didn't think he could do it again. Not so soon after she was just starting to get her shit together.

So he looked her in her eyes and he lied.

* * *

><p>"That looked mighty cozy in there."<p>

Jax had forced Gemma back into the laundry room. He knew, the moment she came in and just stood in the nursery watching him and Wendy, she'd have something to say about it. Fortunately he didn't have to wait long, Gemma just barely waited until Wendy excused herself to the bathroom.

"Mom." There was a warning in his voice. He didn't know if she was in much of a mood to heed it or not, so he decided to change the subject. "Where's Nik?"

"He's back at Tara's with Kozik."

"Why?" Because it was convenient for him, Jax forgot that Tara trusted Kozik with Nikolai's life. That he'd been a fixture in the little boy's life since the day he was born. "Tara didn't say anything about Kozik keeping Nik today."

"Cas called, said Tara thought it would be best for Nik to stay with him and Kozik because of everything going on." There was a hint of fear in her son's eyes that she was only now beginning to understand. She knew he loved Nikolai, but she wasn't aware that he was actually afraid of losing the boy. "It makes sense Jax. I'm sure that's all that's going on."

Jax nodded but he wasn't so sure. There was a sinking feeling in his gut. He needed to get to the hospital. He needed to see Tara.

* * *

><p>Although Cas' words stuck with her, Tara was able to put them aside for most of the day. It was one of the reasons she loved what she did. There were rules, an order to doing things; pre-op, post-op, scrubbing in, prep. The steps of which that had been so drilled into her brain, they became rote. She didn't have to think while doing them as it was second nature. But the surgery itself required a hundred percent of her attention. Didn't allow for her mind to drift or spin the way it usually did.<p>

Her dad had loved her, it was the one constant thing she had since childhood. Her mother was a hazy memory, created from what she wanted and imagined a mother to be. She bounced too often between Charming and Tacoma to consider either home. She had Jax and Opie and Cas and Donna, eventually she had Kozik and Happy. But her time with them fluctuated with her living situation. Her father, the way he loved her, had always been the same.

Lenny had done his very best by her, better than she knew a lot of others did. He'd always been concerned about her well being and her safety, maybe overly so. He just…he never knew how to protect her from things he couldn't…well shoot. He didn't know how to make her mother's death easier for her. Or what to do about her having a hard time making friends. Even the trouble she had when trying to decide exactly what to do with her life. All he knew how to do was remove her from those situations. He wasn't trying to hurt her, just protect her the best way he knew how.

It never occurred to Lenny, hell or even Tara, that his idea of protection threw her into a sort of chaos. But it hadn't seemed like chaos to Tara, it was just her life. She didn't have a normal childhood, but she had a good one. Her father had always understood her almost pathological need for things to make sense. Her need to know and understand…well, everything.

It's why she always liked science and math. There was no guessing in math or science. There were formulas, formulas that needed to be followed. There was no hidden meaning to a problem put in front of her, nothing for her to interpret. There was order. She loved being a doctor because she understood the human body. Understood the parts and what each part did and it's purpose in the bigger picture. As crazy as it may sound, the only time her mind quieted down was when she was cutting someone open. Even if her mind started to whirl and thoughts began to creep in, she could shut them down. It was the only time she could.

But now the surgery was over and she was walking through the hospital with two other residents. She didn't know what the hell they were talking about, the words hardly filtering through her brain at all.

Maybe there was some truth in what Cas said, not just today but the night before as well. She couldn't blame the violence on Jax, couldn't act like it was all new to her. She couldn't be above that, not with Kohn's blood staining her hands. She couldn't even blame all the problems they were currently having on him.

What she could do, what she _had_ to do, was take a step back and look at everything that has happened since she returned to Charming, to Jax. She brought Kohn into his life, no matter what Jax said she was the reason he was dead. She struggled with the guilt, struggled with the twist the guilt took inside of her. She wasn't sorry Kohn was dead, not after what he did to Alexei. Sometimes, when she thought about Alexei's lifeless body and all the things he'd miss with Nikolai, she was even glad she'd been the one to put the first bullet in Kohn.

But she was a doctor, her job was to save lives. So she felt guilt in an almost disconnected way. Guilt for killing _a _man, not necessarily the man that she killed. She felt guilty for putting that haunted look in Jax's eyes. For being the reason he killed someone in cold blood.

And now everything with Wendy. Did she even have the right to be upset? He and Wendy did share a child. If they could make it work, didn't Abel deserve to be raised in a home with both his parents? Didn't he deserve that they at least try? She didn't know how much of Wendy's problems were her fault, but she knew she didn't make things easy for the other woman. Maybe she owed it to Wendy to step back now. If Alexei were still alive she wouldn't allow Jax to come between him and Nikolai, so she didn't have the right to ask Jax to allow her to come between Wendy and Abel.

The problem was Tara wanted Jax and she wanted Abel. She has loved Jax since she was sixteen years old. And has grown to love Abel everyday he was in the hospital. She thought she could be good for them. And that they could be good for her and Nikolai. But maybe this wasn't about what she wanted or needed.

If she continued to allow Nikolai to get attached to Jax and Abel only for things to go shit side up, it would kill him. She and Jax had yet to figure things out in a way that wouldn't cause themselves pain, let alone others. She couldn't have her mess blowing back badly on her baby, she couldn't hurt him that way.

She wouldn't be able to stay away from Jax if she stayed in Charming. It had been all she could do to stay away from him while she'd been in Chicago and Tacoma. She had no self control when it came to him. And that lack of self control is what could ultimately end up hurting everyone. If she left, if she gave Jax up, it would break her heart. But maybe it was what was best for Nikolai, Abel, and hell, even Wendy.


	17. The Revelator pt2

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**AN: So this is it, the end. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and/or alerted and to everyone who stuck with this.**

**Want to give a great big thanks to Miss Eve. Not just for her input in this chapter but her help throughout this fic. Seriously don't know what this would have been without her.**

**Chapter 13 pt.2**

Jax wasn't sure how long he sat in the hospital waiting for Tara. Worse, he wasn't sure how long he would have continued to sit and wait on her. He knew the look on her face. Knew her mind was a million miles away and she likely hadn't heard a word either of the women with her said.

When she noticed him, something flashed in her eyes that he wasn't quite sure he trusted before she excused herself from her companions. He wondered how she could stand it, her mind always running the way it did. She could be impulsive, he'd be lying if he said he didn't prefer her that way. Things always worked out better for him when she went on impulse. When Tara allowed her brain to lead her, the results could kill him dead.

"Just wanted to see how you were doing?" Jax asked as Tara lead him into a room away from the main hub of the hospital. "You were gone when I woke up." He didn't mean to sound as accusatory as he did, but she scared the shit out of him.

"Sorry, it was early." And he and Nik just looked so cute together that she didn't want to disturb them. "I know how tired you were."

He wasn't sure he bought it, but didn't see the point in borrowing trouble. "You okay, Tara?"

"I don't know." Mainly because she tried to keep her mind off of Donna. She couldn't think about her, about the fact that she'd never see her again. "You see Opie today?"

Jax nodded, it was all he could do. Because there was no explaining the state of mind his best friend was in.

They were quiet for long moments, it seemed the hospital itself ceased to make noise. Tara knew she had to say something, maybe now wasn't the time. But if she continued to sit and say nothing, one look from Jax and she'd break down in tears.

"It seems like…the last few weeks it's been one thing after another. And I'm scared Jax. I thought once Kohn was out of my life, it would be over. But I'm more afraid now than I was before. Afraid of getting caught, afraid of _not_ getting caught. And I know I brought so much shit with me-"

"No," Jax reached for her hand, his voice insistent. "You didn't do anything wrong, Tara."

Unwilling to believe that, Tara shook her head. "I got away with murder. What does that make me?"

He waited until her eyes met his, wanted her to see the truth of his words. "A survivor."

With a nod, Tara leaned forward to press a kiss to the hand currently holding hers. "I believe you are a good man, with a good heart. I believe you try to do as much good as you can." And she felt as if she was doing him more harm than good at the moment. "Being with you these last few weeks, seeing how you are with my son…it's what I've wanted for so long."

Jax frowned, what she was saying seemed to differ from the way she was saying it.

"But I'm just not sure if being in Charming is what's best anymore. I'm sure I can get my position back at Seattle's Childrens-"

No, there had been no misunderstanding of her words. Snatching his hand away from her, Jax realized she was saying exactly what he thought she'd been saying. "Don't you ever get tired of it?" That she had nerve to seemed confused by his question only pissed him off. "Running?"

"I'm not running. I'm trying to be realistic here, Jax."

He had to get up, to move away from her. Had to walk off the bitter anger he felt towards her at the moment. "Your life is a series of hit and runs. The minute someone makes you feel uncomfortable, tests your loyalties, little Tara packs her bags and hits the road." It was all he could do not to cross the room and shake her. Just shake her until she understood just what it was they could be, that they were the only thing in the world that made sense to him. "But I guess you got what you wanted from me, right? Used me to do your dirty work."

At this Tara jumped to her feet. She knew he was hurting, shit she was hurting. She was prepared for him to lash out, but she couldn't deal with this. Couldn't have him believing that their time together was some sort of manipulation. "That's not fair."

"Fair?" He threw the word back out at her. How fucking dare she talk about fair? "You wanna know how many women I've slept with over the last ten years."

Tara's stomach rolled. Despite what he just accused her of, she wanted so badly to run for the door and keep going. She didn't want to hear this, didn't _need_ to hear this. "Don't do this."

"Hundreds!" He bit the word off, throwing it out at her like it was a physical thing. Feeling just a hint of satisfaction at the way she recoiled. "Maybe more I don't know. I barely see their faces. I married Wendy because I was lonely." His mother had told him Tara wouldn't be able to stand him being married to another woman. That it was the best way to get her back. He'd been desperate, willing to try anything. In the end it seemed he succeeded only in pushing her farther away. He stayed married because he was stuck, because he figured _why the fuck not._ "Because I got tired of endless disconnect. It was just a sad time out." These were truths he swore never to share with her, but once he got started it was hard to stop. "Because when I'm inside someone there's only one face I see."

Tara's breath caught in her lungs. She hadn't been prepared for that. Hearing it now she thought maybe she should have been.

"I thought that weekend we had in Chicago was the last chance we'd ever get. You had Nikolai, Wendy got pregnant, I checked out. When you came back, just when I needed you, it was like some kind of sign to me. Like I was finally getting a shot to do things different, better. Now that chance is running back to Tacoma."

Tara tried to speak, but she didn't know what to say. She knew what she wanted to do, to just take him in her arms. To hold tight and promise to never leave. To finally give them a chance. But she couldn't get the words out. And he seemed to recognize that.

With a disappointed shake of his head at her silence, Jax framed her face in his hands. Pulling her close he pressed his mouth hard to hers. It was a goodbye, it was a fuck you, it was a 'look at what your giving up'. More it was to keep from wrapping his arms around her and begging her not to leave him. He wouldn't do that. He'd be goddamned if he did that. He'd suffer, but fuck if she wouldn't suffer right along with him. Pulling away he took a moment to look into her eyes, almost pleased by the reflection of pain he saw there. "Take care, Doc." And with one last touch to her shoulder Jax turned and walked out of the room. Hand going to his face as if to wipe away her kiss. In truth he was wiping away his tears.

* * *

><p>It was late when Tara returned home. Cas had been waiting for her when she left the hospital, but they hadn't spoken a word to each other. She didn't know if it was because they were pissed at each other or because they didn't know what to do with what he admitted only hours ago. Thought maybe it was a little of both.<p>

He didn't come into the house with her, actually waited for her to step inside before pulling off. The sound of the bike's engine and the screech of tires echoing loudly on the quiet street.

"Mommy!"

"Nikolai." Tara gave a wide smile as she scooped him up into her arms. Holding Nikolai tight to her chest, she took a moment to just enjoy having her baby in her arms.

Kozik stood back, not wanting to interrupt this moment between them. He knew she had a lot of shit on her. His concern about her relationship with Jax seeming trivial in the face of everything else. He'd always taken his job in protecting her seriously. And he'd continue to protect her, even at the cost of himself.

Kozik just didn't know who or where he'd be without Lenny. The man took him in, gave him a home and a family. When he was dropped in Charming, he didn't understand, not until Tara moved there the following year. Kozik knew what Lenny needed from him, and thought taking care of Tara was the least he could do. She'd always been special to him. She was the first thing he ever allowed himself to love. Her childish fascination and innocent interest in him getting through when nothing else could.

He didn't know, not really, when she went from being a cute shy kid to a beautiful wild young woman. Didn't know when his feelings for her went from an innocent fondness to a quiet yearning. But he never wondered what they could have been, never tried to push for more than what they had. Because he loved her and he knew she loved him. And having spent the first fifteen years of his life with no family, no friends, it made what he and Tara had all the more special.

"How are you liking his hair cut?"

With a frown, Tara pulled Nikolai back a bit, running a hand over his hair. It wasn't a major cut, but there wasn't near as much hair falling into his eyes. "You took him to Floyd's?"

"Yeah, that's as much as he let him cut before he started to get…well, you know how he gets."

Because that was true enough, Tara nodded. "I'm going to get him settled down for bed. You going to hang around a bit?"

"That was the plan."

Tara nodded, started to say something but changed her mind. Instead giving a strained smile before heading down the hall to Nikolai's room.

Kozik kicked back on the couch to wait for her. He was use to the routine of Nikolai's bedtime, the excited squeals the kid gave as he played in the tub, the random bits of conversation that floated down the hall. He knew each step in the process and just how long it would take before the kid's eyes finally drifted close. So he was surprised when he sat alone on the couch long after he knew Nikolai had gone to sleep.

Curious, he pushed off the couch and headed down the hall towards Tara's room. Making enough noise so she knew he was headed her way. Ever since that fuck Kohn, it was best not to sneak up on her. She was on the floor besides the bed, as he watched she proceeded to pull her suitcases off from under the bed.

"What are you doing, Princess?"

Having grabbed hold of all the bags, Tara sat back, shooting a bored look towards Kozik. "Cross stitching."

Not at all bothered by the attitude she shot him, Kozik just shrugged as he walked across the room to drop down onto her bed. "Last night you didn't exactly seem beside yourself to go home."

"I realized you and Cas made some really good points."

Maybe, Kozik thought, but he knew her well enough to know it was more than that. "What are you running from, Princess?" At this she shot him a look that could have dropped him cold.

"I'm not running from anything. I just…I had a lot of time to think. It would just be better if I went back to Tacoma."

Kozik realized he should have been happy about this. He didn't want her dealing with anymore of Jax's shit than she had to. And much like Cas, he realized that things in Charming may be getting out of hand. He preferred to have Tara and Nikolai close, where he could keep them safe. But Lenny was always going on about Tara's happiness. Looking at her now, Kozik realized that Tara going back to Tacoma would not make her happy. "Better for who, Tara?"

She didn't want to answer that, didn't even see why it mattered. She was doing what he was pressing her to do the night before. It seemed that no matter what she did, the men in her life would give her shit. With an irritated huff, she kicked her suitcases aside and began to strip out of her clothes.

"I know I didn't tell you this morning, but I'm sorry about Donna. She-"

"I don't want to talk about Donna." Tara snapped, flinging her shirt into the corner.

Realization hit and he knew exactly what she was running from. Knowing what he had to do, Kozik braced himself for the shit storm he was about to bring on himself. "It shouldn't have gone down like that."

"It shouldn't have gone down at all." Tara mumbled. Thoughts of Donna, of what those last moments must have been like for her were trying to creep into her mind. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to push them out. Trying to think of other things, anything else.

"You're right. Losing anyone is hard, especially someone you've known your whole life. But to lose her so suddenly-" He had to move quickly to avoid the shoe she threw at his head.

"I said I don't want to talk about Donna!"

Kozik approached her slowly. Tara's temper was a dangerous thing, even moreso if she bottled it for too long. "It's okay to be upset, Princess. One of your oldest friends was gunned down last night." She started to shake her head frantically. "It's not going to hurt less by avoiding it. Tara, what you're doing doesn't even make sense. Giving up Jax, just so you don't have to deal with losing Donna. That shit's crazy. Going to Tacoma isn't going to make her any less dead."

Tara's hand shot out quickly, the sting in her hand the only thing making her realize what she had done. But once she felt that release, the momentary satisfaction of causing damage, it was hard to stop. She continued to slap at him, not aware of the stinging in her hands or the tears coursing down her cheeks.

God it hurt. She couldn't breathe it hurt so fucking much. How was she suppose to do this? When the shock wore off, how was she suppose to deal with the reality? How was she suppose to get use to the idea of waking up ten years from now and Donna not being there? What was she suppose to do? How does life continue on?

She didn't know when she stopped fighting him, didn't know when he wrapped his arms around her. But before she was even aware of what was happening, she found herself sobbing against his chest.

When her legs gave out on her, Kozik picked her up and carried her to the bed. He held her in his lap. Just held her as tightly as he could for as long as she needed.

"How am I suppose to live without her?" Tara mumbled softly against Kozik's chest. She was still in his lap, his shirt was practically soaked through with her tears.

Kozik didn't have an answer for her, so he said nothing. And they fell back into a companionable silence. He had no doubt she'd get through this. Thought if anyone could, it would be her. She was stronger than anyone knew, stronger than she gave herself credit for. Stronger than even he gave her credit for. "Things like this happen…makes you realize just how much shit matters. You hold on to that."

Tara nodded, her eyes drifting closed. She thought about what mattered, thought about family, saw Nikolai, Abel, and Jax. "I've loved him since I was sixteen years old. But everything is just so fucked up now. _I_ fucked up."

"You panicked." Kozik corrected with a shrug. "Wouldn't be you if you didn't." That got a smile out of her. "You want him."

It wasn't a question. The answer was practically chiseled in stone and locked away in her heart. "It's not just about what I want." She paused. "I don't know what to do, Kozzie."

Tightening his arms around her, Kozik dropped a kiss to the top of her head. "Yeah, you do."

* * *

><p>Every inch of him hurt, from the tips of his hair to the soles of his feet, he hurt. But the physical ache caused by a night spent passed out on the ground, the nausea caused by one too many bottles of whiskey, was nothing compared to the pain in his chest. He'd lost everything. Jax didn't understand it.<p>

Two days before he'd woken up with Tara in his arms, his best friends safe at home, and his club easing their way out of the hole they'd been in. Now Donna was dead, Opie was lost, Tara had once again slipped through his fingers. And everything he thought he knew about the club turned out to be a fucking lie.

He'd gotten drunk, passed out in the cemetery because he didn't know where to go or what to do. Still didn't know when his rolling stomach forced him awake. But as the cool water ran through his fingers, it became clear to him where he had to be. He owed Donna that much.

He wasn't sure how he was going to look Opie in the eye. Didn't know what he'd do when he saw Clay and Tig. But he'd pay his respect to Donna. After that he didn't know.

Jax didn't know why he was surprised to see Tara there. Realized that her going back to Tacoma had nothing to do with her missing Donna's funeral. He felt betrayed by the relief that rushed through him, by the calmness that just seeing her brought. He was going to ignore her, ignore the feelings he realized she'd always stir up inside of him. But then she stood up, taking his kutte from Juice as she made her way towards him.

The day before, when he saw something in her eyes he didn't quite trust, he realized now it was the flight response he knew pushed her more than others. What he saw in her eyes now was the exact opposite of that. Before he saw her take his kutte, he was prepared to leave it wherever it had been. To say fuck it and the club. But seeing Tara with it clicked something inside of him. If she stayed because she was willing to fight, than why couldn't he do the same. He couldn't explain it, but he would have sworn when she settled the kutte onto his shoulders the weight of the patch was different.

He knew, even before he turned to look her in her eyes, that he couldn't tell her the truth about Donna. Couldn't tell her that Tig and Clay, two men she loved, were responsible for Donna's death. Jax wasn't sure how he'd do it, keep this truth from Tara and Opie, but he knew he had to. It would kill Opie and it'd break Tara's heart. He'd lose both of them. There'd be no way Opie could handle that, he'd go after Clay and Tig. And he'd get himself killed. Tara would run for the hills. No, she'd run straight to her old man, who encourage her to run for the hills Maybe it was selfish, maybe they needed the truth, but after everything else Jax just couldn't lose them.

Confident he was making the right decision, Jax took her into his arms. When she leaned in to kiss him, her eyes remained partially open, and that was different as well. She was the first real thing he felt since he walked away from her at the hospital. Just like always, Tara made him real and whole. She gave him a nod and it was exactly what he needed.

* * *

><p>Tara had noticed his busted lip, the moment that passed between him and Gemma and Clay and Tig. But when he walked away she knew better than to follow him. She knew where he was going. Knew he needed that time to himself. There was something brewing. It scared her. But she made her decision. She'd stick with him no matter what.<p>

Long after everyone headed back to their cars, Tara remained seated at Donna's gravesite. She didn't realize how peaceful a cemetery could be. She hadn't been to this particular one since her mother's funeral. Wasn't exactly proud of the fact that didn't even know where in the large cemetery her mother was buried.

She'd flown Alexei back to Russia, buried him with his parents. His uncle had objected, admittedly Tara hadn't been all too fond of the idea as he would be so far away from Nikolai. But she knew it was what Alexei would have wanted. And she knew the father Alexei would want her to give their son was the one in her memories. Still she swore to one day take Nikolai there. Just as she'd take him to the house Alexei grew up in. She'd give him as much of his father as she could.

"I'll do the same for you." Tara spoke the words softly, as if Donna were seated in the chair next to her. "Opie won't let them forget you and neither will I. I promise."

She heard the crunch of the grass under heavy footsteps, turned her head to see Piney lumbering her way. Standing she moved to meet him halfway.

Piney jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "He's with his old man."

Tara nodded. "I know."

"Of course you do." Piney lifted one large hand to cup her cheek, his eyes softening as a smile tugged at one corner of his mouth. "You're a good girl. It's good you stayed."

Tara wasn't sure how he even knew she was thinking about leaving. Wanted to ask, but he was walking away before she could even think to form the words. As she watched him, she thought maybe it was better she hadn't. As there was no telling the answer she'd get with Piney.

With one last look back towards Donna's grave, Tara started to walk away. The procession was heading back to Opie's house. And Tara was glad Mary didn't give in to Gemma's insistence that it'd be at the clubhouse. It wouldn't have been what Donna wanted. The clubhouse wasn't Donna, it would be wrong to remember her there.

Tara wandered through the cemetery, not even sure of her destination until she found herself staring at Jax's bike. Wasn't even sure how long she stood staring at it before she felt his hand slide into hers. He didn't say anything, she didn't need him to, just lead her to his bike. He released her hand just long enough to climb on, when he was settled, he held his hand out for hers again.

Tara didn't even need to think about it, simply slid her hand into his before climbing onto the back of his bike. Strapping on the helmet he handed to her, she sat as close to him as she possible could before locking her arms around his waist.

Jax lifted one of her hands off his waist, brought it up to his mouth to press a kiss into her palm. Turning his head slightly, he smiled at the way she rested her head on his shoulder. "You ready?"

Tara released the breath she wasn't entirely aware of holding. "Yeah."


End file.
